Poetry Ebooks: Free ebook sample of "Melting in the Body of Wax" by Landon Johnson (powered by Smashwords)

I have been writing poetry since I was 13 years old. I used it as a release when I had nowhere else to turn to. I didn’t so much as care about the form as I did the power behind words. I found trying to put structure to the chaos of emotion was more frustrating than a free flow. There is no rhyme or reason to my poetry, just chaos. Sometimes they are in melancholy form and others in nonsense. All I ask is not to judge the way it is written but what is written. Because sometimes it isn’t about the structure but what is being said.

-Landon Johnson

No Sleep

I close my eyes to fall asleep
But my eyelids don't fill with darkness just your smile
The ache in my soul as the void grows deeper
But silence are my words as I outwardly let you go
I don't say how many times a day I cry
The absolute pain that sears through my heart
Sometimes it becomes so paralyzing I can't breathe
I miss us but I need to let that go
I remember your kiss so vividly
The absence of your lips brings on waves of agony
Only with you did I feel intimacy in the way they wrapped around mine
Like I wasn't able to breathe without u breathing into me
Who could ever love a man like me?
I'm so broken and not able to repair
I belong in the filthiest part of the landfill
Rotting with decaying food and maggots
I hate how empty I feel
Empty stuffed with absolute guilty agony
I have officially made myself unlovable
I'm about to go stand in a population full of people
And not one person will see me let alone know I exist
Pure isolation as I stare out a window
The dread of the unknown and separation from all I love
Yet as the world is spinning out of control around me
All I can think about is you
And play over and over all my mistakes
"the greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love...
And be loved in return."
I blew that chance
I always swore I would never live my life with regrets
and now that's all my life has become,
one big regret

I, Alone

I awoke feeling the sensation of being alone.
The loneliness so thick I almost suffocated.
An ache, a void that has been left in my soul,
Stripped from every comfort, every ounce of love.
I open the door as the sunlight burns through my pale skin,
the earth eating me alive and leaving me in a blind state.
I go throughout my day trying to avoid thoughts of you,
but no matter how hard I push you are always there.
My house is littered with little reminders as I bag them away.
In my car more reminders as I collect them and hide them.
As I sit waiting at a stop light your face flashes across my windshield.
Missing you isn't what hurts the most;
it’s the fact that it's a one way street.
I alone miss you more than the world.
But you don't think twice and have already forgotten my existence.

Suffocating In the Lost Time of Love

I feel her soft blonde hair rest against my cheek
as the luscious scent of her shampoo disengages me.
The warmth of her body curled into mine.
Her slow breaths send a swarm of comfort throughout.
Only the moments entangled with her do I finally relax.
She pulls her head back and looks into my eyes.
I see the oceans swim throughout her iris.
Her pupils so black and so consuming I can't help but fall.
I nuzzle my forehead against the smoothness of her skin.
A secure force field is built around us as nothing else compares to this home.
She is my security, my only ounce of hope.

But now I am left with coldness,
a stillness that leaves everything unsettled.
The anger and resentment for everything I've done.
I sit in this quicksand and watch myself sink.
No matter how hard I try to get out to reach her,
I only sink faster and harder.
She stands in front of me with pleading eyes.
She wants me but hates me.
The people around her whisper in her ear,
conditioning her and telling her lies.
But I keep sinking,
I deserve to drown and asphyxiate in sand.
I came baring gifts of nothing but pure love to fix that past,
but they were tossed aside and forgotten,
only the unhealed wounds and scars are visible and vibrant.

I close my eyes and remember with great detail the way our bodies became one.
The way my hands would glide across her back,
my cheek connected to hers and my lips yearning to taste her neck.
The desire brewing silently between us as I would gauge each step,
Wanting her, needing her, believing in her.
The entrapment of her movements and her intoxicating scent,
I was locked in her seduction,
the naturalness to her ways.

I open my eyes and look up to see she is standing above me,
still surrounded by her confidants.
The sand has engulfed my body and is rising to my chin.
It will be a matter of slow moments before I never breathe the air again.
I close my eyes again and through the sand I can smell her scent crawling to me.
The pink sway of its desire working towards me on hands and feet,
having an erotic dance with my senses and the memories it pushes forward.
The memory of her lips to mine as the electricity ignites,
our bodies pushed into one existence.
My hands tangled in her hair as our breathing is in sync.

This memory is cut off like a hand clapped over my mouth.
I inhale and feel the heavy burden of sand fill my lungs.
My eyes desperately look for her,
begging, pleading for her to see within and see the love that I have.
I hear them speak of the ill things I had done.
And now I am finally getting what I deserve.
She still watches me as all around her they give high fives.
A celebration is in order due to my demise.
Tears start drowning the suffocating sand.
I love her and I can't tell her and I can't show her.
Every ounce of pain is stampeded in my loneliness.
Every piece of suffering drowning out my memories,
reminding me of a lost time,
a lost time lost in love.

I feel the world start to blacken around me.
Stars ignite in and out of this darkness.
Although the sand is heavy around me,
I start to feel lighter.
Like my body being drug out of my hell and back into life.
I sputter and cough as I feel hands upon my body,
massaging the sand out of my lungs.
I open my eyes to the blazing sun
disoriented and confused.
She kneels before me wiping the sand away.
I reach up to her face as she nuzzles in her cheek.
Am I dead?
"It's going to be OK" she whispers as she wipes more sand from my face.
A hand appears on her shoulder
she stands up, envelopes herself with her comrades,
takes one more look
and forever walks away.

"It's going to be OK?" I ask myself as I watch her fade away into the sunset.
I was prepared to die and suffocate.
End it all and let it fade.
But why keep me alive?
..So I can replay the time and space of us
and suffer the endless void.

Sour Spill

A lonesome being, a body in a form in this empty chair.
Fast paced movements all around me as I long to stand still.
A moment to inhale peace and exhale chaos.
Misery in the form of scars tattooed throughout this body.
A story never told except through voices of lies.
Only I know the bitter truth,
and bitter is too tasteful for the sour spill in my soul.
As my body sits erect and present
my mind and soul lost on a journey far away.
Presenting stableness is easy as the chaotic tides take flight.
It’s keeping the swells of the waves from splashing down my eyes, that is hard.
I created a monster;
I destroyed a life and made my own Frankenstein.
Let the dead die because you can't bring anything to life,
at least not with a lie.
No matter what past I run from it will always find a way back.
Might as well deal with it now because it's always worse later.

She's Not Coming Home...

She's not coming home...
I know this by the drone of silence.
She's nowhere to be found,
except bound and gagged in my memory.
I never meant for it to be this way,
as me, I never knew the right things to say.
Does she remind me? Oh yes she does,
of a hush hush time where forensics were lost in gloves.
A memory state of mind, defined in the blind,
too ashamed to show anyone my kind.

She's not coming home...
I know this by the hole in my soul.
Bowling controlling of the mastermind's condoling confines,
a hierarchy of a lost tomb.
One last week of the meek and lost,
my heart turning cold, and the silver love turning to frost.
Desire runs cold as the future will unfold,
of the time line of the blind and controlled.
Death in a bed with everything left unsaid.
Bullshit no longer fed and my veins are drained and bled.

She's not coming home...
but she is...
I heard the phone....

2:18 AM

it’s not like I can say anything,
breathe a word.
Nothing
just lost in my head.
Selfish, yea maybe,
no, maybe I am, but I don't like it.
I want to be your world, the destination in life you've longed for.
But I’m a broken mess.
A misery, a piece of nothingness that everyone regrets.
Bright sunny shine pink is what I want to be for you,
but I’m nothing but black
see my red door?
Yea, you want to paint it black.
so many road cruises and so many times I play regrets in my head,
but with you, I want you to suffer my regrets,
understand them so you know how much you mean to me.
I’m so lost without you.
Your anger and your hurt I want to take,
its mine, I gave it to you.
Let me suffer it and make it right.
This world is a mad place that I don't understand.
My love for you bursts.
It’s so real and so alive I can't imagine life without you.

The Glass House

It doesn't matter what I do
It doesn't matter what I say.
I live in this glass house where no one can hear me.
I scream my achievements, I scream my delights,
but my windows are too tinted to see.
I scream my abandonment and scream my pain,
all I can see is my family screaming at me.
This wound bursting in my chest has now been engulfed in flames.
My agony tears can't stream fast enough.
Just love me, just accept me, just fucking take me as I am!
But they don't see or hear me;
they just paint on the glass what they want to see.
The paint creates a mirror and reflects their own wants and distastes.
It creates the burdens they wish to exert their anguish upon.
No matter how much I want touch and I want affection,
they only kiss and love their own reflections.
Locked in this glass house wishing someone could see me.
Wishing someone could love me.
Wishing someone would actually miss me on the inside.
But to miss me is to know me,
and Father Time knows that no one has paid him a visit,
to understand the lonely guy in the glass house.

Naturally

I stand and watch as my destruction fades into the waves of emptiness.
To run a business and succeed...it's to manipulate someone better than you....
But then naturally, things come together
in bliss, in chaos....
somewhere it all makes sense...
blocking comes so easy...it's intuitive...it comes naturally.
And like a storm it erupts...
breaking boundaries, walls, things never imagined
like jumping off a cliff into nowhere...
finding serenity and understanding
finding that euphony
bleeding through ice and into the ocean...
salt and warmth
the old berry of black reminds me of the past,
that past that I need to let go of.
I don't want to die in a manipulative game.
I want to die digging my grave.
Shovel, dirt and sweat...feel the dirt on my face,
the entanglement of elements burying me.
The sun caking the ground that I’m digging
the rain moisturizing the clay...
grass so indefinite you forget that you live in the sand hills
air is so pure, it makes you feel tortured after nuclear air
towers of the past as the sky burns with intoxicants.
Funny to live on a farm in nuclearville,
and then live in the city of lopers eating corn.
Destruction is an inevitable presence
but naturally the rain takes form
clashes break barrier as the earth collides with light
the sun, a force of nature
it comes naturally.

Faith?

Sometimes that world,

That brilliance

Is taken away from you.

You can't think or breathe,

It’s just gone.

No matter how much sanity, how much faith

You know it's gone

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