Closet Issues
A Poets Journey Into The Dark Places
Closet Issues
A Poets Journey Into The Dark Places
Deidra D. S. Green
Closet Issues
A Poets Journey Into The Dark Places
Deidra D. S. Green
Copyright @ 2009 by Deidra D. S. Green
Illustration Copyright @ Jeremy Hughes
All Rights Reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in retrieval systems, or transmitted in any form, by any means, including mechanical, electronic, photocopying recording, or otherwise without prior written permission of the publisher.
RATHSI Publishing books may be purchased for educational, business, or sales promotional use.
FIRST EDITION
Library of Congress Catalog Number: 2008944111
ISBN: 978-0-9822886-2-7
DEDICATION
I must first give thanks to the Most High God for his divine grace and mercy. Words cannot express my sincerest gratitude for all those who have helped in this process and project: my children, VcToryann C’Mone and Kamerron DeAnthony Alexander who were patient and tolerant of their mom’s need to write; my mother, M. Catherine Smoot, who encouraged me before I knew I needed encouragement; my father, Robert W. Smoot, Jr., for being a permanent affirming fixture in my life; my sister Robyn Kaye who is with me constantly; my sister Ishtar, whose reading of the written word provided an emotional sounding board; my niece Ishlah, nephew, Ishijah and my beloved brother, Patrick S. Muhammad who operationalized my dreams. Thanks to the many extended family members and dear friends who continuously encourage me along this journey.
This work is also dedicated to the many victims, whose stories are reflected on these pages; those who have silently screamed thinking no one was listening. But someone was.
About The Author
Deidra was born in E. St. Louis, IL to the proud parents of Robert W. and M. Catherine Smoot. She is the eldest of the three children; her younger sister Robyn Kaye has been resting with God since 1999. Her baby brother Patrick Schayne, is an educator, author, and a dynamic speaker. Both Deidra and her brother reside in Atlanta GA.
After completing high school at Lincoln Sr. High in E. St. Louis IL , Deidra went on to attend Jackson State University on a full music scholarship. She finished her bachelor’s degree at Southern Illinois University – Carbondale, with a double major in psychology and music. While at SIU-C, Deidra volunteered at the local Domestic Violence Shelter, and the area suicide crisis network. Deidra went on to complete a Masters of Social Work Degree from the George Warren Brown School of Social Work, Washington University in St. Louis, MO.
While there, Deidra continued her work in human services by becoming a consultant for the local suicide crisis network, as well as working for the metro area dually diagnosed mentally ill and homeless population. Her dedication to service in the community was again echoed when she became a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc., in 1993.
After Deidra received her MSW, she married her high school sweetheart Anthony T. Green. Shortly thereafter, their daughter VcToryann C’Mone was born. A second child, Kamerron (K after his Aunt Robyn Kaye) DeAnthony Alexander Green was born in 2001. Kamerron was born 17 days after his father was killed in a fatal car accident.
Deidra has continued her dedication to working with the underserved and systemically disenfranchised populations in the larger community. She has served as a child welfare specialist for the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) for 5 years; and later, as a Public Service Administrator for DCFS for eight years. Deidra has continued her impassioned work with children and families in the Atlanta area. She is currently pursuing a Ph. D. in Human Services with a specialization in social and community development from Capella University with an anticipated graduation of June 2009.
To schedule Deidra to speak at your engagement, for consultation or book requests visit www.deidradsgreen.com or email reflectedgifts@yahoo.com.
Illustrator, Mr. Jeremy Hughes, is the son of proud parents Titus and Tonya Hughes. He is one of six siblings all with unique talents ( Brandon, Titus Jr., Jeremy, Amber, Kamal, Tyson). Jeremy is a sophmore at Fredrick Douglas High School in Atlanta, GA. Jeremy consistenly holds a 4.0 GPA and is a member of the National Honor Society for the top 10% in the country. Jeremy's future aspirations are to become a lawyer and a freelance artist. He is determined to complete his undergraduate work at Harvard University. For more information contact: festerhughes@yahoo.com
Inside “Closet Issues”
Introduction 14
I Did It for You 16
Scissor Happy 24
The Candy Man Can 32
A Part of the Family 38
Due Season 43
My Pink Cadillac 50
Next to Godliness 57
Barren 64
Polite Society 69
And I’m Still Here 76
Divine 81
Walking on Sunshine 89
They Think I Don’t Know 96
Babies Daddy 102
Hush 113
Little Boy Lost 122
Where Was God? 129
Who Will Speak For Me? 131
Introduction
Closet issues? Closet issues? What are they?
Are they the subject matter we would just as soon go away.
You know, the things we don’t talk about in mixed company.
We do talk about them behind closed doors and secretly.
We pray the neighbors don’t suspect and our family doesn’t know.
We whisper about them with our most secretive confidant;
only after they swear not to tell a soul.
It’s the thing we are most ashamed of;
And even when we discuss it, we treat it with kid gloves.
And sometimes the things we are ashamed of are not even our fault.
They are perpetrated by others and we simply bear the cost.
But we own them and take them in,
even when we know they are someone else’s sin.
What makes it worse is the perpetrator doesn’t feel guilty;
And if they do it’s profound, and they get our pity.
And as the victim, we take that in too;
We become even more befuddled, not knowing what to do.
So we take our feelings, their issues, our pain,
And we shove it in the back of the closet,
hoping never to see it again.
But no matter how hard we try to act as if it doesn’t exist,
In the quiet moments, when our minds wander, it comes back…….it won’t let us forget.
So we go back to the closet, piling more stuff in,
to block our direct vision of the problem within.
We stuff the closet until it’s overflowing,
Hoping to God that it will keep us from knowing
that it’s still there, no matter how hard we try,
and covering it up only adds to the lie;
the lie that we tell ourselves just to get by.
See, no matter how much stuff we put on top of this thing,
Until we face it, uncover it, pain it will always bring.
So with poetic permission, the door has been opened;
just a little to begin the process of growing.
The core issue must be uncovered in order to heal,
the cavernous pain that we currently feel.
But to get to it we have to dig deep,
Removing layer upon layer of the stuff that we’ve heaped,
on top of the real problem, who’s pain we continuously reap.
See, no growth can occur if we never face this thing;
no relief can come, only more pain it will bring.
So the door is cracked and a little light’s shining in.
Take the journey with me……and so we begin.
I DID IT FOR YOU
I always thought that when the time was right
I would have a baby,
that I would give life.
I would have a good husband and a nice house;
that before my baby, I would be a wonderful wife.
We would plan for the baby, saving money,
be prepared;
be excited at the announcement that my husband
would soon be a dad.
And everyone would be so proud of my picture perfect life
A beautiful family, now a mommy,
and a very happy wife.
That‘s a beautiful story, and something I’ve always wanted.
I’ve fantasized about it, dreamed about it,
it was to be my life, undaunted.
But unfortunately, that’s not my situation
That life wasn’t for me,
But even without the life,
there was a baby.
Children are God’s greatest gift;
or so I’ve been told.
But whoever said that had no idea,
the world was so cold.
My nice husband was not to be.
The nice house… it wasn’t for me.
Planning and preparing wasn’t how it went.
Pregnant and alone, that’s how my life was spent.
And the father of my baby wasn’t nice at all
He was a one night stand that I couldn’t call;
‘cause he was wed to another, he had his own family.
His other family didn’t include me
…..or our new baby.
So here I was pregnant and alone,
No husband, no future, everything had gone wrong.
My belly was getting bigger by the day,
I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make a way.
It was hard enough just taking care of myself,
But, taking care of a baby, well
That was something else.
Because of my faith, I would have this baby
There was no question in my mind, not even a maybe.
I had to face my consequences,
I made the decision,
To compromise my dreams
For what I thought were good reasons.
He made promises to me
that he never planned to keep.
I fell for it all,
Like a shepherd leading sheep.
I wanted to believe that my dreams could come true;
But I was led to the slaughter,
His lies were proved.
But I can’t blame him for everything
I willingly participated.
He told me what I wanted to hear,
and I was elated.
I got caught up in the moment,
Wanting so desperately to be
Everything I dreamed of being,
Living the ever after, happily.
All of that is beside the point now.
I have to focus on my baby and how
We are going to get through it,
I’m not sure what to do,
Not even a little bit.
At one time I go so depressed
I thought about ending it all;
Taking some pills, slitting my wrists,
….taking a fall.
Not just because of the baby,
It was much, much more,
I had screwed my life up
And I was tired to my core.
I was done with disappointing my family;
I was sick of failing, and yet trying to be
Something that I obviously was not,
realizing the smallness of the life that I got.
Making poor choices time after time;
not finishing school, the wrong man,
that was my patented line.
I was a failure and I knew it,
The life that I was given,
I damn near blew it.
Now I’m bringing a baby into my screwed up life;
There’s no doubt in my mind it would be full of strife.
Too scared to commit suicide,
I guess to myself, I have even lied.
I couldn’t end the pregnancy and couldn’t kill myself,
I would have to deal with the hand I was dealt.
One night without warning the baby came.
I had him at home, unexpected the pain.
I was so scared, so shocked,
unsure what to do.
Oh my God, this was real
He was actually here,
On top of the pain, there was a great deal of fear.
He deserved so much more than me,
I knew a good mother I could never be.
I had nothing to give him; no family, no home;
It would just be the two of us, destitute and alone.
I couldn’t turn to his father or my family,
He wouldn’t care and they would be disappointed in me.
Again….disappointed in something I had done;
Again saddened by my mistakes, and the things I’d done wrong.
I wouldn’t do that to them;
I wouldn’t do this to him,
I would make the right decision for once,
So his life wouldn’t be grim.
There had to be some family out there
That for my baby they would care.
To take care of this little child,
..even if it’s just for a while.
Until I could do better for myself,
I wouldn’t be able to care for anyone else.
Maybe after I get my self together,
I can try to be his mother.
But until that time arrives,
I’ve got to give him a chance at life.
I find myself bundling him up,
making sure he’s warm.
A new family would protect him,
Keep him safe from harm.
I find myself walking, fighting back tears;
setting aside my emotions, and even my fears.
I must take him to a safer place,
Oh God, please give me the grace,
to put his needs before my own
And lay him safely before your throne.
I’m sure somebody will find him here,
It’ won’t be long, I have no fear,
That when they find him they will see
A baby in need of something that I can’t be.
Should I wait and see if they come,
I don’t want you to be alone for too long.
Please baby, don’t you cry,
Right now I can’t wipe the tears from your eyes.
If I come to you someone might see
And have a bunch of questions for me.
Questions I can’t answer
And even if I could
Because you deserve so much more,
I don’t know that I would.
Risk them trying to make us right,
Me raising you, given my plight.
So for now I’ll just have to wait,
With God I must trust with your fate.
Someone’s got to come, they’ve got to come quick.
If you keep crying you might get sick.
Oh baby, don’t cry…don’t cry for me.
A good mother to you I can not be.
Oh Go, let someone come and find,
This baby…my baby
before I change my mind.
No! You can’t start questioning,
Whether this is the right decision…let it be.
Ssshhh, someone’s coming, they have heard his cry,
Please pick him up quickly and wipe the tears from his eyes.
They are looking around wondering who left this,
Please don’t’ see me,,,,take him quickly
,,,my heart is saying maybe.
Maybe this is not what I should do.
Maybe I shouldn’t give him up to who knows who!
Maybe I can make it work with help from above,
Maybe all we really need is love.
They are starting to leave, I want to cry out,
“That’s my baby! That’s my Baby!” I want to shout.
But the words stop short of my lips
No sound comes out,
My heart cries in pain,
But no words come from my mouth.
My heart tells my feet to move,
To go get my son,
To stop them from leaving
To undo what I’ve done.
But my feet remain still,
No steps do they take
No movement forward does my body make.
I guess I know in my heart I’ve done the right thing.
To let him have a good life,
One I couldn’t bring.
I stand here alone, my baby now gone.
My eyes overflowing,
Overwhelmed with the guilt,
….the guilt of knowing.
That I gave up my baby tonight.
I did it ‘cause I thought it was right.
And even though some time has gone by
Since last I heard my baby cry,
I still think of him every day,
and wonder what good things have come his way.
Whether he is with people who love him….
Whoever they are, I’m eternally grateful to them.
But I can’t help wondering
In every child I see,
Whether I see someone…………. born of me.
SCISSOR HAPPY
I am a lot like most girls my age.
I go to school, hang out with friends,
And think boys are all the rage.
Sure there is peer pressure and stuff
And some of the kinds are kind of rough.
But the teen years are like that for everyone
Some good, some bad, but mostly fun.
Like most kids I know I have a family
A brother, kid sister, mom and a daddy.
Dealing with family has its own kind of stress
Especially for a teen who likes to test
The limits of my parents’ patience.
I like my family for the most part.
My brother, sister and I get along fine,
They have a special place in my heart.
My mom is okay
But we have our moments.
I guess its like that with most girls and their moms
It can get kind of tense.
I really don’t like to talk about my dad.
Suffice it to say, he just makes me mad.
Different people have different ways of dealing with things.
The things that keep them up at night
And interferes with dreams.
For the most part I am like every other teen.
I just tend to wear long sleeves.
Yes, I wear long sleeves even when it’s hot.
When other girls are in shorts and halter tops,
I’m the one that’s not.
My body is covered; long sleeves, long pants.
Because I can’t take a chance
On my secret being exposed.
As far as I know, no one knows.
The sleeves hide the scars…
Scars? Yes scars.
Not from an accident or inflicted by another
No, these are the scars that are self created,
Self inflicted… the scars that I cover.
I am what is known as a cutter.
For a lot of people it is hard to understand
Why anyone would intentionally
Use their hand
To pick up a razor, knife, anything sharp
And cut themselves
Repeatedly as a part
of expressing the pain that’s in their heart.
What most people don’t understand about cutting
Is that without it I feel absolutely nothing.
Sure I laugh, smile, even cry
But its all an act, just one big lie.
There are no real feelings behind it,
I just go through the motions
And then people don’t suspect
that my greatest fantasies are of killing myself.
But that is something I cannot do,
‘cause that takes real emotions, too.
And I don’t have those.
They were taken from me
By someone my parents trusted
Who stole my innocence …………….and my virginity.
It happened a few years ago when I was ten
and spent the night with my best friend.
Our families lived next door to each other.
Our parents weren’t just neighbors, they were friends
My father called her father “brother”.
Our families spent a lot of time together
So there was never a question as to whether
We would have slumber parties together.
We did it all the time;
Sometimes at her house, other times at mine.
And they were always fine.
So what would make this time so different?
Who could foresee
That this time when I spent
The night with my friend
Her father would do something so awful to me.
It started out fun, two girls being silly.
We stayed up late, had lots of laughs
And talked about her crush
A boy named Billy.
After a while she fell asleep
I was still awake, but lying under the sheet.
There was a soft knock at the door.
Her father came in, as he had done before.
Before when he came he stood at the door.
Tell us to quiet down, but not anything more.
This time it was different…my friend was already sleep
And I wasn’t making any noise, not even a peep.
This time he did not stand at the door
He came into the room
And even more;
He walked over to the bed where I was laying
He checked on his daughter, and then started saying
Weird things at first, and I thought he was playing.
Then he said he wanted to tuck me in.
And that was fine, but then he began
To touch me in a way that was creepy.
I didn’t know what to do,
So I faked being sleepy.
I don’t know how long he was there…
I do remember him touching my hair…
The rest of it I don’t recall,
I don’t remember anything, anything at all.
When my friend woke up the next morning
I was dressed and ready to go
I didn’t tell my friend
She would never know
That her father was the reason I wanted to go.
For a long time I didn’t tell anyone
I blocked it out and tried to go on.
I started having bad dreams….
At night I would scream.
My mother would ask if anything was wrong.
I would tell her it was nothing
Man, I lied for so long.
I lied until I felt like I couldn’t go on.
But one night after a really bad scare
I blurted it out to my mother
I just didn’t care.
I had to tell her
It was killing me
To keep such a secret from my family.
My mother looked shocked, and then quietly started to cry.
We both did, and she wiped the tears from my eyes.
She said she was going to tell my dad;
I begged her not to
She insisted it was something she had to do.
My mom reassured me it would be okay.
She reminded me that it was not my fault anyway.
I instantly felt better after talking to her;
Like a weight had been lifted
off my shoulders.
I waited in my room, as she spoke to my dad.
I really thought knowing this would make him sad.
But when my father came in my room,
To my surprise, he was very, very mad!
Mad? How could he be mad?
When he finally spoke he questioned me!
What did you do? Were you flirting with him?
I was thinking to my self, this cannot be!!
I was thinking to my self, “What do you mean flirting with him! Dad did you forget I’m only TEN!”
But I didn’t say it,
I didn’t say a word.
My dad blamed me.
That was his final word.
And that’s when it happened for me.
That’s when I stopped feeling anything.
That’s when I knew my feelings didn’t matter.
That’s when I felt my heart shatter.
I didn’t start by cutting myself,
That happened gradually
When there was nothing left.
At first I was sad, did a lot of crying.
I tried to talk to my dad, I was really trying.
He rejected me, said I was lying.
Then I just felt like dying.
After a while I was without emotion.
I didn’t cry, wasn’t mad, felt nothin’.
I started cutting cause I wanted to feel,
Even if it was pain, at least it was real.
Cutting gave me feelings that I could control
It awakened the emotions that had grown cold.
I couldn’t stop that man from hurting me,
I couldn’t control that.