The Fanfiction Years
planet p
Smashwords Edition
Text Copyright © 2006-2012 planet p (except for where stated)
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Author’s Note | Disclaimer
The following is a collection of poetry written over the course of six years, from 2006 to 2012, and posted on FanFiction.Net and Archive of Our Own. I make no claim of ownership to any of the fandoms I write in and make no monetary gain from doing so. I write for the enjoyment of it and to improve my writing ability.
Thanks
I would like to thank all my readers and all those who have supported me over the years by leaving reviews and constructive criticism. You’re all awesome! :)
And, of course, thanks to all those involved in bringing the fandoms we support to life and for inspiring us.
A special thank-you to Keara Kevay and Angelito G. Nambatac Jr for their kind encouragement.
If you have any comments you’d like to make on my writing, feel free to leave a review. It would be greatly appreciated. (Writers, and especially fanfic writers, live for reviews! ;))
For my family
2006
In Passing
Her daddy works a lot
Hardly ever home
He brings flowers for his wife
And chocolates for his daughter
Who dumps them in the trash
She’s on a diet
But like he cares
She sits and wonders how to cry
Perhaps if her makeup hadn’t been so cheap
It wouldn’t run so much
So she doesn’t cry
Just wonders how she will die
She met a boy in bar
Got drunk and went dancing
Woke up someplace she didn’t know
Took a cab home and puked her guts out
She talks to her mummy
But it’s like talking to the dead
A photo on the dresser
A headstone in a plot where the sea meets jagged rock
All the same in her mind
She thinks of telling her daddy
Then thinks of shooting herself with the gun he got her for her sixteenth
Jumping in front of a train, pretend like she tripped, high heel got stuck on something, and she just tumbled off the platform
Too messy
It’s always too messy
She wants to go some way nice
Some way her daddy can look upon her when she’s gone and say how proud he was
Bathtub could be good
With lots of soapy bubbles
And pretty smelling soap
Poison would be better
She could make it up the night before
And by the morning
Half bottle of vodka later
She wouldn’t even have regrets
Because she wouldn’t know she’d done it
She could get an office job
And wait to die of boredom
Marry someone rich like her daddy
And die lonely, rolling in cash
She could rob a corner store and get shot by police
But that would shame her daddy
So she would never do that
She could sell herself and wait for someone to beat her to death
Only that would hurt
There’s a boy she knows
He knows her too
They used to be friends
Before she went away
She snorts
Made her daddy proud alright
But now she can’t face her friend
Not good enough for him anymore
She wonders why she cares
Wonders that she has a heart to care
But she knows she loves him
He always loved her
She tells herself love doesn’t exist
So how can it hurt
She lies
And wants to believe
She will learn one day
And the day that it becomes real
Will be the day she dies
2008
Your eyes
I’ll be breaking free, breaking free from the chains your love has put me in, breaking free from your love.
I looked in your eyes and snapped the chains on and never even saw the cell I was delegating myself, because your love gave me wings, and like an angry frantic moth I floundered around on the ceiling with no air and too hot, seeing only grey up there and all the prettiness of you down there.
So tonight, I saw us for what we were, me your waiting arms, you my leaving sighs. And tonight, tonight, oh tonight, I’ll be breaking free, finding a way of my own, because I’ve been blinded by your light for too long, but all the time the light was burning on cold and you never really warmed my arms and my heart has grown cold.
I’ll be breaking free, breaking free from the chains your love has put me in, breaking free from your love.
I gaze at my reflection, in a jumpy window, watch the blur of tunnel walls, like the hollows of your eyes, a darkness that drew me in in false comfort, too blind, too blind, that the light hurts my head and stings my eyes, this illusion of tears is me blinded by the light.
You see, I cannot miss you, because I am leaving you for good this time, took the round circuit so many times, take a wrong turn and say it wasn't my fault. I will find a way, find a new obsession, find myself a life of my own, break free from these chains of blissful ignorance and irresponsibility, because I know you only ever looked out for you and I was just there to tag along in case you got downhearted and I would whisper words of encouragement with my smiles.
I’ll be breaking free, breaking free from the chains your love has put me in, breaking free from your love.
Because your love was only ever there for you and I was such a fool.
2009
I died today
These eyes I see
This hurt I feel is real
I see the lies
Feel them on my skin
They cover my eyes
They’re in the way again
I can’t see
Whose eyes they are
I died today
I'm breaking down
Give me your pain
Your eyes are my eyes
I'll help you sort through the lies
Help me sort through the lies
Stop these eyes
From following me
Damning me
Chaining me
I’m shedding old skins
Give me your eyes
Tell me your lies
I beg
To take your pain
Let me take your pain
I die again
I see
Your eyes
I see you
But you don’t see me
Even
Don’t even say it,
Just don’t say you trust me.
Lie,
Make me believe you mean it,
Make me angry,
Shout at me,
I’ll shout back.
Let’s fight,
Hand-to-hand combat,
I’m good at that.
Say you hate me,
Hey, maybe I hate me too,
Yeah, I know it.
Hell yeah!
Let’s shout some more.
Hit me, damn it,
So I can hit you back,
Or maybe I’ll just do it anyway.
Say something that’ll make me hate you for always,
You hate me,
I hate you back,
I can live with that.
But never say you love me,
Don’t even say it.
Tell me you can’t stand me,
And you wish I was dead.
Just don’t talk,
I can’t stand your voice;
Don’t look at me,
I can’t stand that either;
I’ll close my eyes and pretend you’re not there,
Pretend I’m someone else,
Pretend you’re someone else;
Maybe we can play nice for a while.
I never said they hurt me,
Like they hurt you;
I never said trust me,
I never wanted you to love me,
I never said trust me,
You should have run,
I never wanted to love you,
Love breaks your heart,
(Heart falls apart),
People fall out of love,
I had to stop you,
Now you still love me,
I never wanted to love you,
Maybe I did.
Everything
These hands, those arms
My hands, your arms
Your eyes, my eyes
Your lips, my lips
I'd change everything
For you
For your hands, your arms
Your eyes, your lips
I'd change everything
To bring you back
To me
To my hands, my arms
My eyes, my lips
I love you
From “To Sammy, With Fond Affection”
As we walk, I hear
The birds, I hear
Along the water’s edge, I do
The water slaps the shore with wet hands and wet fingers and wet feet
Birds scoop down from the sky above, from Heaven above, my love
As we walk, I watch
The waves, I watch
Out to sea, I do
The waves rock and sway, a lullaby for baby fishes, and babies, too
Birds scoop down from the sky, and dive upon the waves, and into the waves, searching for tea
As we walk, I hum
A lullaby, I hum
The ocean’s secret sigh, water comes and water goes, my secret heart, my secret longing, my love
Overflowing
As we walk, arm through arm, I do
I love thee, I do
As we walk, I cuddle
To you, I cuddle
Under the sky, I do
Under Heaven, we do
Come home soon
Parades in the sky,
Sing me a song,
Sing me a song,
Carnival,
Play me a song,
Play in the sky,
Flies, butterflies,
Dance like eyes,
Parades in the sky,
Cartwheels, fins and wings, through the air,
Is it the sky?
Is it the sky down there?
Under here, is it the sky?
Where does the sound go?
Under here?
Where has my parade gone?
Bubbles in my hair, bubbles in my vision,
No more air,
No more air,
There, up there,
The sky,
Down here, down here,
I,
Drowning,
With no air,
There is my carnival,
There my parade awaits me,
Walk into my arms, sing the words of my song,
Walk a little bit farther; a little bit farther, a little bit more,
You'll be home soon,
And you'll be home soon,
We'll celebrate when you're home,
We'll call the carnival,
We'll call the parade,
We'll have a parade,
When you're home;
Come home soon.
softly do my lover’s eyes burn
Soft is the wind and the lilt of the Earth,
Softly does sunshine whisper to my skin,
You need me, but not too much.
Softly does night’s caress embrace, illuminated with Moon’s face,
Softly does She cry and softly does She smile,
Warm is the day, and my lover's hand in mine,
Hold me a little longer, stay just a little longer,
Hold me tight.
Invisible blemishes and lies told out of sight, deep in the darkness of the mind,
Do they haunt us when we’re together, or when we’re apart?
Do they whisper to our sleeping forms, or murmur to our waking selves?
Speak truth, Child of the Earth; speak feeling,
Speak heart and soul and never breathe a lie,
Lovers lie to each other, lovers lie to themselves.
Try to be open and honest as the forest, try not to break me,
I bend, but I’ll break if you go too far,
I’m only living; I’m only fragile,
But I can be strong when you’re with me.
Softly do my lover’s eyes build with flame,
Softly do they burn into mine,
I need you; too much can never be too much;
Never be enough.
I love you and you love me
She speaks her words in sunshine, and they send my heart aflame,
I am aglow, at her poems, I start to melt,
Her voice is an endless poem to love, though her words may not rhyme,
I can’t help but hear it that way every time she speaks,
Songs cannot describe this spell she has made between us, this joyous incantation I have found when I am with her,
She is my bell; she pulls me up when I am down, with gentle caressing arms, and soft, warm hands,
She makes it all clearer, so that I can see the path I am to take,
She finds me when I am lost, and points the way to safety,
A compass in my darkness, that always knows just where to go,
I don't know how she does it,
But everyday I hope I can do the same for her.
I want to be her timepiece, with arms that never waiver through the passing years, with steady resolve and unfailing love,
I love her, I know,
But I’m not sure she knows it, too.
How will I tell her?
How will she know?
That’s she my light,
With everything that she does,
She makes it all worthwhile.
I’d speak the words, but I think she reads my mind,
So I’ll write her a letter instead,
And I see her smile, hands clutching paper, as the sound of her tinkling laughter tumbles about her.
Love makes moons of us all, she tells me,
We were made to reflect love’s glow,
I’m your moon, and you’re mine.
When I look at the sky, or close my eyes, I see your face shining down for me to see,
I know I’m loved because of that, you see.
You thought I didn’t know, when I knew from the start,
I love you, and you love me.
Go on
You’d go on; you can only, do what you do,
It’s what we do,
Go,
Go on,
Go.
You look into emptiness, and if you see nothing, see something, for me,
Let your eyes play, over the years, over those years,
That was us,
Hear again, anew, out of the darkness, that song,
That song that played, that we took,
That was our song.
You’ve been my song; I’ve been yours;
Who will be our song?
Who will sing our song?
Remember it in your heart, in your soul,
Go on,
It will go on,
In new hearts set aflutter, set to dancing,
Let your eyes,
Dance in the emptiness,
In the darkness,
And see us,
Again.
Essays and poetry
We’re to carry on ‘as normal’ as war rages,
We’re to tow the line, pull the strings, of this petty machine,
This money,
War,
It’s all alright,
Machine,
To argue over football scores,
Or the grades we got in school,
Last week,
Mom and dad still scream,
Big sister,
Too,
They die out there,
We make more misery,
Out there,
That’s okay, it’s living,
Who ever said, living was like this?
Who ever said?
It was pain like this?
Petty may, petty be, petty breeds,
There goes another,
Like you or me,
There goes the countryside,
Who really cares?
If there’s no golf course?
Shopping mall?
Drive past another cemetery,
Do they bury their dead in other countries?
You say, “I wouldn’t know,”
You’d buy, whatever they’re selling,
You’d accept, their lowliness,
You’d never,
Wonder why,
Why can’t it be different?
Why can’t I care?
Without hurting?
Hurting me?
There goes, another year,
Another war,
Breaks out,
Goes on,
Another life,
Breaks free,
Goes away,
Who even cares?
When there’s always more?
You know,
I’d say,
In nature,
It’s such a waste,
All the effort, the time,
But,
It’s not the same,
It’s you and me,
And we,
We buy it all,
We always do,
We do again,
It’s how we are,
Right?
Purple was my favourite colour
Teardrops from Cupid
Stain my skin purple
Purple, never sticks around
My purple, turns to yellow and brown
A bitter day in the autumn-time
Sc-sc-scuff my shoes
Over you
Your voice is cold
My love for you, spirals out of control
Wish I’d have the strength to say adieu
You don’t love me
I can’t help it, I love you
I hurt me; you hurt me, too
Wish it would stop
But the wind steals my breath
In from the wind, I mistake you as warm
In from the storm, I see calm in your eyes
I go and, sc-sc-scuff my shoes over you
A habit I know you hate, because I hate it, too
I wish I d-d-didn’t love you, love
Wish I could have walked away
Sorry, love, for the gun in my hand
I’ll put it down now
MA15’s for the movies, but I’ll never seen another one with you, again
Sorry, love
I still love you
You know
You know
You know
Love
You know
Falling star, a wish
1.
Falling star
Give me a wish
To wish upon
I'd love
To love
Someone
Falling star
Reveal to me
My true feelings
Feelings future
Feelings past
So that I might know
When I meet
That special someone
That they’re the one for me.
2.
These are the dreams that I have
When daylight hours sink beyond the edge of the world
When all of the men and all of the mice, all of the flights and all of the fancies, are laid out beneath the stars
And the weight of an entire universe
To cower or wonder
To slumber or labour under restless breaths, and sleepless thoughts
When lovers seek council in the stars
Heavy is the night
Bright the light that shines
These are the pictures that run through my mind
These are the names that are not mine
Do you walk among my dreams?
Do I know you
From another life?
Have we met before?
Do you visit me
In disguise?
Tell me the time, Orazia
When shall he meet me?
Doth the hour draw near?
Oh, Desdemona
May you be a bird, and fly away from your troubles
May they call you Deryn, may you join hands with Devaki and Dessa, darkness and wanderer, may you no longer be lost
If you stumble, may you find Dhara and Dinka, the earth and the people
What are the words that you speak, Talma?
Is that anger in your voice, or passion?
The crashing thunder will be my guide
And lead me to him
I will walk along Bourne, the stream that will take me to him
And I will be Romilda and Rohini, a warrior and a woman
But in his arms, I shall be Roisin and Rocio, the rose and the dewdrop
And I shall be Talisha
The damsel arising
If you will let me
I will be your Noga and your Nyx
And you will be mine, by the smile on my lips
My morning light
My night
You will be the heart of my thoughts
My dreams
You will be my love
Will I be yours, too?
2010
Perilous, mighty
The perilous ocean,
O shall it sweep the land,
The mighty tide,
Wrapt of mighty thoughts,
O perilous ocean,
Spare but my sweetheart,
My home,
The last of my heart and soul,
O perilous ocean,
Take not from me that,
Take not from me she,
She bears my child,
Nine months from now,
Hasten swiftly,
Quickly,
But take not my family.
Familiar shores
Beautiful ocean,
Carry away my sorrows,
Carry away my fears,
As I sit upon your rocky shore,
As I sit at your feet,
Take these tears,
Mix them with your tears,
Mix them with your blood,
Beautiful ocean,
Carry me away,
Carry me away with you,
Carry away my dreams,
Keep them safe for me,
I’ll come back for them, one day,
One day, I'll come back for you,
I’ll come back to you,
I come back to familiar shores.
Eyes in stars
Darkest night, illuminated bright, the
Air is full of song, of music weaving fabric from the air, from breaths shared, breaths exchanged
Night is full, lovers lie on the blanket of fabric in tight embraces
Come my friend, my friend love, they call, join us tonight; hold our hands and we’ll hold yours; tonight is not a night for loneliness
Even in the darkest, bleakest hours, love will bring you home, love will bring you something solid and safe, no
More grasping at a distant, fading past; your path is reborn in the present, in loving eyes, you'll finally find
Under eyes of stars, eyes of promise, you'll finally find there's no need to run
Stop now and take a breath, breathe with the rest of us
In the morning, it’ll be not just a dream
Come, come awake now, child, you’re not alone, no more will you be
Lonely; lonely is just a word, but words can’t describe this feeling
Over the years, you’ll be together; someone to hold your hand, at last; you’ll be
Very happy
Everyone deserves to be happy, no matter who they are.
Best friends
By the time the stars are out, and
Evening has fallen
Songs are being sung by night insects, by the breeze, the sounds of hearts beating, and breaths, soft and low
The night is calm
From here, just right here, I can see
Right where we’ll be
In ten years time, in years to come; our hearts are
Entwined; friendship has no beginning, it has
No end; best friends
Don’t part, for they’re always together in their hearts; our hearts glow when we love someone; it shows in the stars
Does my heart beat alone?
Gently on the breeze, fragrance sways,
And wanders,
Petals fall to caress her feet,
In the garden at the bottom of her heart.
Storms build and die by her mood;
A timely swish of wings,
Flutters apart, flutters by,
There are butterflies here,
In shades of many,
Years that have been, colours that have run,
All live on here,
In her garden.
Youth is a smile, tempting and embracing,
Arms wide, sails broad,
Here is the wind, here is the song;
Youth is a scowl,
One shan't be so upset,
Torment!
Hush be you!
Life goes on;
Such is true:
Truth is an oft liquid thing,
It flows through her hands, through fingers warm, to fall, tumble down upon her garden like rain,
Upon pale feet,
Muddies lively, colourful petals,
Now gone to ash and dust,
Crumbled into soil,
All things from whence they came.
The garden at the bottom of her heart breathes a sigh,
And dies at the touch of dawn's first rays:
To be reborn again,
A phoenix from the remnants of her life,
Come night, come darkness,
An old and faithful friend.
He says,
Eyes of blue, heart of sad hue,
Until you let go,
I’ll meet you at the bottom of the garden,
I’ll be your warmth;
To your skin,
Lend the passion I feel,
To your eyes,
Lend the glow you bring me,
Don’t you know how you brighten my days?
We’ll be one heart,
One harmony,
Separated by the earthly plane,
I’ll find you when you're alone,
When you’re lonely,
And down,
I’ll hold your hand,
If you’ll only hold mine.
And we’ll be together,
In our minds,
As in our hearts.
Dear diary, R.I.P.
What is love?
Love is the gladdened heart, and the saddened heart,
But, most of all, it is the saddened heart,
The tortured, pained, ignored heart,
The heart we tell to go away,
To bug someone else today,
But, outside of fairy tales, outside of the books that children read, and marvel at those pictures,
Love has no wings and cannot fly,
Peter and Wendy were doomed from page 1.
From "The day comes slowly"
Your smile is a thousand pink roses blossoming at once,
Your lips against mine are like dew,
Your eyes, when they look into mine, are like the sun that the plants reach for,
They draw me in and promise to keep me safe, they promise to keep me warm,
When you love me, there is nothing else in the world that I need,
I only need to love you back,
I wanted to write this poem so you would know how special you are to me,
You make the whole world special, too, just by being in it,
If you read this and laugh, I will be glad I could make you smile,
If you don’t care for me anymore, one day, I will try to understand,
I think, if that is okay with you, I think I love you.
The sun in the sky
I wake up to the sun in the sky,
I wake up and see,
The sun in the sky,
I am alone now but you see,
We all see the same sun,
In the sky,
We all feel that same warmth,
On our face,
When I see the sky,
And the sun up there,
I can’t feel lonely,
I can’t feel lost,
Because I know,
You’re seeing the same sun I’m seeing,
You’re right here with me,
When I feel that sun’s rays warm against my cheeks,
And when you’re far away,
I know it’ll be alright,
Because the sun will come back again,
The sun will rise again,
So when I feel I miss you too, too much,
I don’t let myself worry,
Because the sun you see is the same sun I see,
I don’t let myself worry,
Because I know,
The sun will show you the way,
Back to me,
Because I know,
The sun will show you the way,
Back to me,
Right here back into my arms,
I know...
The dancers
There, where you stood, your eyes, gazing into mine, there, where you stood
Oh, what were the chances, the very chances, among those merry dancers
Were your arms not so heavy, your feet not so tired
Would you have taken me in your arms
Would you have held me
In a quiet embrace?
Hush, hush, all of you merry dancers
On, on they go, dancing on, whispering as they move across the floor
Hush, just be hush
But they don’t
They don’t hush, they don’t even hear
The thought I try to send to you
Is lost
Lost in amongst all of the whispers
You are silent, and I am, too
I don’t hear your words, your thoughts
Nothing comes through
This is how we will stay
There will be no embrace, but the embrace of our eyes, locked, for but a moment,
That lasts for just a moment, a moment out of a day, a day that cannot last, but cannot end
And then
There
You turn away
So I turn away, too
Nothing has happened, nothing has changed
Am I a little sadder, are we both a little quieter
Who can tell over the whispers of those dancers
So loud they are!
Your little heart
Your little heart
Gets you down again
Your little heart
Sinks
Don’t you
Don’t you know
You make the air lighter
You make the day brighter
You make me want to
Make you smile
Lift you up when you’re down
Turn your sadness
Gloomy you
Gloomy mood
All around
Don’t you know
You mean
You mean
So much to me
You mean
The world
To this little heart
You mean the world
To my little heart
When I’m
Feeling down
Don’t you know
Lovely you
That you come along
And pick me up again
Make the world
Whole again
Don’t you know
You’re lovable
To me
Don’t you know
Silly you
That I love you so
Don’t you know
Little heart
How dear you are
To me
Don’t you know
I’ve fallen in love
With you
Don’t you know
I love you
Silly me
I love you
Tell me
Make my
Day
Tell me
You love me too
Tell me
I’m not silly at all
Tell me
I’m in your little heart
Cos
Darling heart
You’re in my heart
Cos
Silly us
I love you so much
Only Human
Only the young can take life for granted, some say
Naïve, and full to the brim with passion and energy and a thirst for life
Life happens so easily, the young often think, how could it possibly be so difficult to maintain; when would it end, how could it end?
Yet it does; surprisingly easily, no less. You
Have your high ideals, and then there is reality
Underneath all of the wonder... What? No, there is still more wonder. But it is far easier to look after what you have, to take responsibility and show respect... than to save a failing life, than to
Make things better
Actually, we aren’t miracle workers, we’re not imbued with special powers; perhaps, even, it is more that we are there, and that we want to... but sometimes, even when we don’t want them to, they still go
No. We’re not superhuman, we’re not even that different from you: we’re people, people with lives and families, people with emotions, and people who can be affected by complications... just like you.
Lost Then Found
I can honestly say
With these bare hands
I’ve never killed a man before today
But I’ve been lost
And now I’m found
I thought that I was losing
I’ve lost so much
But in amongst all of the loss
I found you
And you found me
In my heart, I was lost and alone
I can honestly say
With these bare thoughts
My feelings out there for anyone to see
Shining back at you through my eyes
That I’ve never been more lost before
But I don’t mind being lost
If you’ll come and find me
Come and find me
I want to find you, too
I won’t break your heart
But don’t you break mine
I’ll put your heart back together again
If you’ll put mine together too
Together we’ll
Be lost then found
Together we’ll
Find a way to be just us
To be together
To be lost no more.
For you
Golden sands,
Beneath my feet,
Beauty in the way,
The air, itself, moves,
In the rush,
Of water to the land.
This island is my home,
Here,
My heart is at peace,
Though there may come turmoil,
Strife and toil,
This land will keep me safe,
And sound until all harm has passed.
Island of my heart,
I know I will always love you,
And I know you will never,
Push me away;
Island of my heart,
Look how beautiful you are,
At sunset,
Or sunrise.
You can cure all my ails,
I hope,
I can do the same for you;
I will take care of you, too.
Island I love,
I hope you’ll always be this way,
I hope you’ll always be here,
For me,
And I’ll always be there,
For you.
I’ll never leave you,
You know,
For long,
I’ll always come back,
To you;
I’ll always come back,
For you.
Life worth living
Guess what?
I think you were selfish!
It was always about you-
You, you, you!
When it was about Cathy, it was about you, then, too.
It was always you.
I loved you, I cared for you, and what did you do?
What did you leave me with?
What did you ever give me?
You just didn’t see,
You just didn’t care,
Because I wasn’t really a part of your world,
I was just someone who was there,
Always there,
But you couldn’t even destroy me the way you did my father,
I wouldn’t play your game your way,
Though I always tried to please you,
To make you see,
I cared, too.
But Cathy was gone,
And that was all you could ever think about,
Your Cathy!
Your Cathy!
And damn her! Damn her for going and leaving you alone!
Well, guess what?
Now you’re gone and you’ve hurt me,
But, again, do you care?
I don’t even know.
All I know is that I hope you’re better off, wherever you’ve gone now, because you made out like all your life here was was a living hell,
So I hope it’s no longer like that, I hope you no longer have the urge to thrust that same feeling upon others,
All of the punishment you gave to those who’d hurt you in the past, did it make your future brighter, Heathcliff?
No, it never did.
But still you kept hoping,
Hoping that it would?
Now it’s different. Maybe it’s better. Now you’re free and so am I, though not truly.
I still care for you even though you’re gone,
I wish I didn’t, though, you see, because all of these questions are left hanging,
They’ll never have answers in this lifetime, I think, but I can move on.
I’ll prove it to you, too, Heathcliff.
I will move on.
I will find that brightness,
And make my life worth living!
I miss you
It’s not fair, you know
That someone so young should have to go the way
That you did
I miss you, too
Everyday
But next year
And the year after that
In ten years
I’ll be older than you
And people will expect me to forget
And move on.
Move on
I know that’s what you'd want for me
That I’m happy
And not sad
Now that you’re gone
But I can’t help wondering
How you are
Wherever you are.
Are you happy
Or sad?
Are you well, now
Has the pain lessened
Or gone away
All I want to know
Is that you're okay, too
Then I will be too
I promise.
So, wherever you are, darling
I hope you’re doing okay
I will try to, too, because I know you’re hoping the same thing for me, too.
I miss you.
All is well, once again
Because you’re gone, these are the things I tell myself:
You are the happy flower that blooms when the weather is good,
You are the tree that whistles to the wind, Wind, wind, tell me something new,
You are the grass, soft and new and sprightly as I race across it,
Tickle my feet,
You are the little things that live in the waters of our rivers, splishing and splashing, but not for me to see, but for a shadow, or a glimmer, living happily as you are,
You are happy like this, and so shall I be, knowing that you are,
Knowing that,
Knowing you are well,
And, like this, all is well once again.
Beautiful Chance
Did I love you then? Did you love me, too?
I recall, on those dark cloudy nights, how my thoughts would gather around you, and I'd think you were magic,
M-m-magic,
Oooh, witchy girl,
Buzzing thoughts, whisper at me, that I want you,
How I miss, to hold you, to feel your heart beating as I hold you tight, in my arms, safe against the cold, cold night,
You were often insecure, you'd see yourself, and you'd be no particular beauty,
You didn’t know, how you could blow me away, with just a quirk of your lips, with one small smile,
When I tried to tell you, I’d get so confused, tying knots, making a mess of my mouth,
But when you slipped your hand in mine,
Oh your warm, soft hand,
And there was that brightness to your eyes,
Then the buzzing would cease, and I knew, you did something to me, you did something to me,
Oh, girl, you were magic,
Be my,
You were magic,
And I wanted you to be my mistress,
Mistress of the night,
Mistress of my night,
C-c-command me, witchy woman, give me a reason, sing me a rhyme,
I love, love that voice of yours, the way it speaks to me, speaks all of your emotions, your very heart’s desire, without words,
Oh, yes, I loved your voice,
Hypnotise me, mesmerise me, dancing, dancing, let’s go dancing,
Give me a reason, to hold you, once again,
Give me a reason, to want you, close to me, my darling,
When I’m spinning, spinning ’round and out of control, the touch of your fingers, your hand in mine, can bring me back, back from the edge,
So tell me, tell me, you can get with me,
Tell me anything,
The sound of your voice, how it pleases me is beyond words, beyond any magic spell or lullaby,
There’s love, love, beautiful love, and there's desire; in your voice, I can hear my own heart calling out,
M-m-my heart’s echo,
Baby, my heart lives in your heart, and your heart lives in mine; can’t you see, it’s destiny?
Can’t you see, that you’re perfect for me?
And I want to be, I want to be perfect for you, baby. I do.
Give, give me a chance, to prove that I’m your man, I can be the man that you want,
Give me a chance, a beautiful chance, beautiful you.
Put your hand in my hand. Oh, baby, just give me your hand, and I’ll give you my heart. Let me give your my heart.
Lullaby Bright
That glass of water, sits by my lamp; I love that old night stand,
Here it is again, it’s dark and shivery, there’s rain pouring a pounding rhythm on my roof, and I can’t sleep,
This weather offers no lullaby; I’m deeply troubled, my thoughts can’t seem to settle down,
Sometimes, I’ll take the car out and drive, try to calm my mind, but it never seems to work,
Rain and flashing lights, red, green – amber’s holidaying in the sun – pound, pound, pound, sound like my heart, without yours,
I’d dream I wasn’t alone, I’d dream you lay down with me, I’d dream of warmth and happier things, my precious dear one, but I can’t,
I can’t sleep tonight.
I need a lullaby, I need your arms enclosing mine, I need you, and those clingy hugs, I need you, and those frustrated sighs, I need that glare you gave me, when I said I couldn’t understand the things you read,
Those romance novels, that silly magazine,
I need a fairytale ending; I need you back again.
I’m not me, without you.
Please, please, my baby, bring me a lullaby tonight.
I’ll take that glass of water and lie down, I’ll try to sleep, but I’ll be missing you, missing that twinkle in your eye, missing our next argument, so we can apologise and speak the words we’re both too afraid to share, the ‘I really do love you’s,
The hugs and kisses, and all of that laughter, that cheeky little pinch I wouldn’t give you, but you’d give me,
I’ll be missing, the way you made me love you,
I miss, the way you make me love you.
It’s late, so late, and I wish I could sleep; I wish I could dream,
I’d dream again, that you were here with me, I’d be content, I wouldn’t toss, I wouldn’t turn, and that rain wouldn’t bother me at all,
Please, please, let me sleep, let me dream,
I’ll close my eyes, but only if I can see you again, only if I can dream,
Of the lullaby you’d sing me when I couldn’t sleep.
I think I’ll close my eyes, I think I’ll listen to that rain, coming down; I think I’ll try to find that lullaby.
You Are My Healer
You are my Healer
Oh, boy
Boy
Boy
Boy
You are the fix to all that ails me
I never need tread lightly
When you are around to guide my way
You show me the way
You make it so clear
You give me
(Guidance) (Support) (Love) (Honesty) (Your hand)
All I need
You fix me, so, please, I ask you
My love
Let me fix you
Let me give you
My heart
My soul
My love
For the rest of time
You are my Healer
Let me be yours, too
Let me be yours, too
Let me
Love you
Boy
Together, we can heal each other
Together, we can heal anything
This world is new
This world is crying out for love
Crying out for new eyes
For us to see
Open your eyes and take my hand, love
And let’s lead the way
Let’s lead the way
To understanding
To love
To life
Life
Life
Life
Oh, boy
Oh, my boy
Let me be your Healer
Oh, boy
Heal me
Heal me
Heal me
Love me.
It’s Wonderful
I came to this place searching for something that was so long missing from my heart
Searching for my soul, for my life’s purpose, I found you
You make me smile, even though it may be raining, even though it may be stormy and grey
You make me find a little bit of goodness in every day, in everything I see, everything around me
You came along and you enchanted me
You put me under your spell and it’s wonderful
Today, I am alive
Today, I can stand up tall and say I don’t feel bad at all for being who I am, for being what I am
Today, I can love me as well as you
I have hope, hope for you and me, hope for the future, for our children, and our brothers and sisters, for our parents, our uncles and aunts, I have hope for all of humanity
I have hope that understanding will come to pass, that people will love again and the world will shine brighter than before
Like the brightness of your smile, like the beaming sparkle in your eyes
I hope, I love, I live
I hope, I love, I live
And I will live, I will love, I will hope – tomorrow!
We Can Love
To hope, to hope and dream, to look forward and see something that has not yet come to pass, is to breathe
I see you, I see love, I see understanding, and many embraces
I see a future I can care for, I can invest in, I can live for
If anyone said life was wasted, if anyone said it was too hard, in this day and age, then I would say, ‘Who ever said it was meant to be easy?’ I say, ‘Challenges are a part of life, my friend, the truth will find you and comfort you, if you follow the path of the truth, you will be able to tackle any obstacle in your way, you will have lived, you will have done right.’
I won’t be tempted, I won’t even contemplate, hatred and vengeance; I will see clearly that we are all people, and people need love and encouragement, then they will be strong
People need a home, and food, and love, love, love; people need to feel safe from harm, from hurt, from exploitation
We can be anything we wish, anything we want
And we can be the best we can be
If we just want it
If we just see it
If we just open our eyes
If we stand together.
We can make a difference
We can change our world
We can change the way we live
The atmosphere of distrust and hurt, of inequality and poverty, of misunderstanding and violent means and violent actions
We can love again
We can love one another
We can love life.
I will not live my life in hatred of any other, I will love and see goodness in others
I will embrace the world and be its friend
I will love, I will dream, and it will be fantastic, because that’s what I want
Because I believe in you and me, I believe in the power of us
Used for good
I believe in love
And all its ups and downs
I believe we can come through anything
If we have love and understanding in our hearts and minds.
I want to be happy
When you’re young, you’re not always inclined to see the world as someone
Of age
Sees it;
When you’re young, the world can be anything
That you want it to be:
Happy,
Exciting,
And full of promise.
You can dream that your dreams might just, one day, come true;
You can live in hope
For a brighter future,
For a better day
Tomorrow.
You can see the world
As a fantastic place.
It’s not a bad place,
All in all,
It’s just some people
Would rather everyone felt the way they do,
Or the way they want
Them to;
Some people think they can control everything,
And forget that with rights come responsibilities,
Or maybe they just don't care
Anymore
That we all live together,
That we’re all alike,
We’re all people, too –
We’re a great big family.
When I was a kid,
Younger than I am now,
I believed in the good of people,
And found out that I was right:
Some people are good,
And some people aren’t:
Some people are hurt,
And some people hurt others.
But it didn’t make me want to give up,
It gave me the strength to believe in goodness,
In a happier tomorrow,
And in today.
Today, I am as happy as I want to be –
Mostly –
And I want to be
Happy.
For real
The world may put up barriers
Walls between us
But they cannot stop us from feeling
What we feel for one another
They cannot stop our hearts
From crying out when we're apart.
All of their walls
Are only walls;
Walls to keep our physical bodies apart
Walls to hurt us
Deep inside
Walls to protect us
From what they think we can’t comprehend;
Yet, we know the truth
There are no walls, there are no barriers
To love;
Love is not just a privilege, to be cherished by the rich
The influenced
The special few;
Love lives in another world
A world in which out hearts also live
Where emotions are not just feelings inside
But tangible
Like language
Like law;
A world where it’s okay to be me
And it’s okay to be you
And no one says ‘no’ to us.
I promise you, my love, one day
I’ll break down these barriers
One day
I’ll love you for real.
Tomorrow
Tomorrow
I will no longer sleep,
Tomorrow
I will rise from slumber
And walk amongst the light;
Day will be my guide
My heart
My compass;
I will have my heart’s desire
I will be alive:
I will be loved.
Tomorrow,
I will shake off this coldness
And blink the ice from my eyes,
I will live in colours bright and bold
And dream of beauty and despair,
But these dreams will no longer trouble me;
Despair will not touch me,
I will no longer play at the doorstep of death –
I will live
And I will love.
I will thrive,
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow,
I will wake.
I love you so
How can they say
That our love is wrong?
When what I feel for you
Is this strong?
They don’t know
What I feel in my heart,
They don’t know
That you’re the one that keeps me alive.
This love I have for you
Is like a torch
Or the sun
That keeps the whole world warm
And alive.
Your love is what keeps me going
Day by day,
Before I met you
I wasn’t living;
Before I met you
I was walking in a dream
Until you came along
And you showed me how to live –
And how to really dream.
How can they criticise
Something this good?
How can they tear us apart?
Don’t they know that without you
I’d die;
Don’t they know
That you’re my reason for living
For breathing
For dreaming
At all?
You gave me a reason
When I had none
When I needed one.
Don’t they know
I love you so?
In your dreams
I cried for you
last night.
You said
you were leaving me,
but I don’t know that I understood
that
exactly.
You and I,
we never were a we;
I wished for it
for so many hours
of so many days,
but you had to go away.
Maybe I understand,
maybe I know
the reasons you have aren’t shallow,
but you hurt me all the same
by doing what you’ve done,
and the worst of it is
that I know I’m not the only one:
I know you’ve hurt yourself, too.
Tonight, I’ll do one thing for you;
tonight, I won’t cry.
Hush now and sleep,
let your dreams take you under
and dream of me and you
when we’re an us;
dream of the happy times we’ll spend together, when we’re a we:
I know it’ll give you a reason
to come back to me
when your business is done
and sorted,
and when the time is right.
Just come back to me,
that’s all I want.
I’ll be dreaming of you;
please dream of me tonight,
and hold me in your dreams.
Your lovely eyes
Hey there, Sad Eyes! Tell me your worries, tell me your woes. Troubles, too. The things that nobody knows.
I’ll whisk them away; let me whisk them away. I’ll whisk you away. Be free. Don’t you want to be free?
What ails you? Just open up and tell me. I'll tell you my secrets, if you’ll tell yours. Don’t they say, that sharing is caring. Well I’ll tell you, about sharing, if I may. It can open up a doorway, between you and me.
I’ll be your friend, if you’ll be mine. Just be honest, that’s all you have to do. Please be honest. Please tell me what’s hurting you?
If you’re hurting, maybe I’m hurting, too.
Because I care.
Go well
Sometimes, the hardest things to see, are those clearest to others looking in, from the outside. In this way, it was nearly impossible for me to see, how you’d been a friend from the beginning, how you'd stuck by me and watched me grow, feeling proud and sad and happy, all at once.
I didn’t see how much you loved me, and I took so long to admit, to myself, that I loved you just as much, but now you're gone I see what I didn’t then, and I know you weren’t the only one who grew up.
Nowadays, I feel better to know that you’re still out there, somewhere, in the universe, even if it’s not here on Earth, finding joy in the marvel of things, and I’ve come to see one other thing. I always had friends, there was always people who cared, only I was so wrapped up in the old me that the new me didn't even have a chance to know it.
I’ll try that now; I’ll try to be me and to see that people do change, just as the passing of time happens to us all, and it’s not such a bad thing. It’s called life and it’s often the greatest gift of all, just to hold it, for a moment, in your grasp, and hold it close to your beating heart.
I still miss you, but I’m not unhappy for it. We had good times together, and for that, I want to say, just this moment, Thank you.
And I miss you.
Go well.
2011
Clouds
Clouds cover the sky,
As they do my thoughts;
I can’t think straight when it’s like this,
When there’s so much I don’t understand, I don’t know:
How do I navigate through it all,
To a safe zone?
I think of your face, Jasmine, of your smile
And it helps for a little while,
But it can’t last, when you’re not here with me,
So I sink again,
And those clouds come crowding back in,
Waiting to drown me,
Wanting to drown me.
I won’t let them; I’ll come back to you, again.
I’ll always come back,
If I can.
It’s times, much like these
You always taught me
To see the good in living
And in other people’s actions
And hearts
Yet
You know
I struggle at times
And I even stumble.
I know I’m only human
And so are they
Him or her, over there
They’re only human, too
But it hurts me
It hurts me, mum
It hurts me so deeply
And I can feel so alone.
You still love me, don’t you?
You’ll never forget me, will you?
You’ll still remember that I love you, too, won’t you?
I do
I do
And I need you –
I need someone –
To know
I’m only human, too.
I love you
And I love life
But it’s hard, sometimes, you know
Yeah, I know
You know
It’s hard
Sometimes.
I miss you, Mum
I miss you.
I love you
But I miss you.
I love you.
The friend
I forgot how to feel
The beauty of a reason
Fluttering inside my heart.
I think it must have died
That day my father left this world
The day he left me
Alone in the dark
Waiting.
When you stepped in
Mystery to be solved
Leave no crime accounted for
I didn’t know you at first
I didn’t see you at first
You weren’t there
Then.
Then gradually
I came to know
Of someone
Of something
Watching over me
Waiting with me, by my side
And I believed the time had come
And I was no longer alone.
But do you know how dangerous a belief can be?
However gladdening
However painful
However it might lighten our day?
A belief is like a promise
It must be handled carefully
Else it should shatter and come apart in our hands
And it should take our hearts with it.
But you were careful
And you came to care
So, then, did I
You for me and I for you
Without even knowing it
And you gave me back life.
I thank you, now, for that
Thank you for letting me feel my heart again
Thank you for not leaving me alone
Thank you for waiting, and all your patience, too
Thank you
Honestly
From me to you.
You are a friend.
I hope I can be one back, someday.
If I hurt you, too
I have a heart, I have feelings
Here
Inside that heart
Isn’t it a surprise
To discover!
Sometimes, I think so
Myself
What a mystery
What a chore!
What use is a broken heart
When it’s no use at all!
All that pain
All that anguish
Like the tide
Slowly rising
The day over
To drown me again.
Often times
I think I’d be better off
If I had no heart at all;
Maybe I’d be a robot
An android
Instead
And I’d have no heart
No feelings
No silly, silly, silly
Feelings.
Silly heart
You’re always hurting me
Right
And I’m always letting you
Time and again.
I’m just a fool
Right
Just a fool to have such a heart
And wear it on my sleeve
For all the world to see.
I should ground it
For being so bad
Give it a probationary
Cooling off
Period.
“Now,” I should say
“Not until you’ve learned your lesson
Not to hurt me so blatantly again.”
But I could never do that
Because I’m just such a heartfelt fool
Who’d feel silly
And hurt
If I hurt you, too.
Enchantment, from the heart
If you had a singer’s voice
Would you sing?
If you had a guitarist’s fingers
Would you play a little tune?
Would you feel the life
Pouring out from your soul
Into the world,
Would you feel
All that you were sharing
And smile?
Life isn’t a song
Yet here we are
We’re together in it
’Til the end.
We might harmonise on a note
On a line or two
And never even stand the wiser,
We might strike a chord
In another’s heart
And never even feel the connection.
Isn’t that life
Isn’t that lovely
Isn’t that the chance we take
Every day of our lives?
I’d never give it up
For the world
In a million or more years
Until the sun burnt out
And left me standing in the dark
Searching for a light
Searching for a hand to hold
Someone to ask:
What went wrong?
Am I really alone?
But maybe for you
I would.
My heart beats
And so does yours.
What a lovely enchantment that is.
What a lovely song!
The heaviness of a breath within my breast
It’s hard to breathe
In here
Right?
It gets harder
Every time I try
Each breath I take
Telling myself one more lie.
The lies I’ve spun
Over you and over me
Over this world we’ve come to live in
You’d think I’d be cosy warm
Here inside this lie
Here inside this half truth, half untruth
But it’s stifling me again
So that I can’t think
And I can’t breathe
And I can’t move.
Will you come
And break me out
Set me free?
Will you come
To save me?
Another second drags by
Another lie drips from my thoughts
My mouth does it again
Lie, lie, lie
Like it’s a way of life
For me
Now.
I feel my heart beat harder
That familiar drumming in my chest
That hurts each time
And know I’ll either live
Or die.
Save me!
Save me!
I cry out to no-one
Because I don’t cry out at all
My words get lost
They’re locked in my throat
Just like every time before.
I can’t breathe
Can’t you see?
I can’t breathe.
Help me, please.
Mysterious Beauty
Beauty is a thing of mystery, some might say.
True beauty is a thing to behold
But not to observe
A thing to consider, with one’s mind
A thing to experience
With one’s soul.
It’s a feeling.
It is not by looking into someone’s face that you might judge their measure of beauty
But by observing their actions, their words and meanings.
A good person is beautiful, always, to those who know them.
Someone standing on the outside, looking in, might fail to see that beauty, but if they try, and if they step inside and come to know that person
Their beauty will become apparent
Will become known.
Life is a chance, in itself
So why not take that chance
Why not dare to dream.
To dare to take a chance on life, on its mysteries and beauties, is what living is all about.
I dare to take that chance, and I’d do it all over again because I know that something’s waiting there for me
At the other end of that long road
There’s something waiting for me
And I welcome it
I smile, and know I’m alive. Today, I live. Today, I am not ugly, but I am beautiful, and I am not afraid to take a chance.
The Game
There are some people
Who make life into a game
Where you can’t win;
And even when you think you’ve won
It’s only because you’ve lost,
Too.
Yet,
They’re not a part of this game;
They just made it up
And they watch all of us
Going about our lives
Playing the game and losing.
I wished I would never have to be a part of this game
This stupid game
But my wish didn’t come true;
I got caught up in it, too
And I lost.
Chloey’s Gift (From “we make plans, our plans decide they have other plans”)
Itsy bitsy bitty bo
Keep me safe
From nasty foe
Bluebells, daffodils, and bay
Keep me safely
Out of harm’s way
People who prey
On others hurtfully
Will get theirs back
One day.
Spotlit
Out of the spotlight, she merely existed
Out on the stage, she shone
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