The Greatest Poem Ever Written,
and Other Poems
By John Blandly
Copyright 2012 by J. J. Brearton
Smashwords edition
Acknowledgements
In 1999, “The Greatest Poem Ever Written” appeared in the Hot Springs National Park (Arkansas) Sentinel-Record.
In 2006, "Fear Not, Lion Pen," appeared in WestWard Quarterly, and "No Bikini At All" in Kaleidoscope.
In 2007, "Mr. Right Now," and "What Fuels The World's Anti-Obsession With You," appeared in Soul Fountain, "Appliances," in Current Accounts (England), "No Rhyme Or Reason" in WestWard Quarterly, and "The Iceman Doesn't Cometh Anymoreth" in Splizz (Wales).
In 2008, "Through A Glass, Darkly" and "Lightman" were published in Soul Fountain, "Running The World" and "Live-In Wife," in Kaleidoscope, "Colony Collapse Syndrome" in Haz Mat Review, and "Poem Drug," "Animal Art Takeover," and "Fathom This, Mr. Death," in SpeedPoets (Australia). Also, in 2008, "Television Is," appeared in Easy Poems To Save Free Time, GoodSAMARitan Press (Thailand), "Madison Avenued" in Fullosia Press, "I Err, Therefore I Am," and "The One-Legged Man," in WestWard Quarterly, and "Peeping Tom In Peek Physical Condition," in Thorny Locust.
In 2009, "A Word From Your Favourite Novelist" appeared in SpeedPoets (Australia), "Running The World" and "Madison Avenued" in HazMat Review, “Naked Films In 3-D,” in Writing Raw, “Celebrity,” in Soul Fountain, and “The Anthology Of Getting To Know You,” in Pulsar (England).
In 2010, “I’m Not From This Century,” appeared in Chronogram.
In 2011 “The Live-Forever Fortress,” appeared in Soul Fountain.
Table of contents:
A Word From Your Favourite Novelist
Peeping Tom In Peak Condition
Fathom This, Mr. Death
Poem Drug
Animal Art Takeover
The Live-Forever Fortress
We Used To Have Presidents
I Err, Therefor I Am
Live-In Wife
No Rhyme Or Reason
Television Is
Wifeses
Running The World
Appliances
Mr. Right Now
The Iceman Doesn't Cometh Anymoreth
What Fuels The World's Anti-Obsession With You
Through A Glass, Darkly
My Heart Goes Out To Artists
Madison Avenued
Celebrity
Colony Collapse Syndrome
Fear Not, Lion Pen
The One-Legged Man
No Bikini At All
Naked Films In 3-D
The Anthology Of Getting To Know You
I’m Not From This Century
The Greatest Poem Ever Written
A WORD FROM YOUR FAVORITE NOVELIST
I am very pleased
by the fact that now that I
am a famous, best selling novelist,
I no longer have to read books.
Like most of our ilk
I am too busy writing to read.
Surely, folks have long ago
looked elsewhere than the
written word for titillation.
As we all know, reading books
is a tedious exercise in futility.
Therefore, I am thrilled to announce
the publication of
my new blockbuster,
that everyone is talking about
and young, attractive single girls
look good carrying, entitled
"The Truth,"
which I wrote through the assistance
of an extraterrestrial.
I strongly recommend
that you resist all temptation
to read even one page.
I haven't dared to glance at a word myself.
Once you've put my book
on your shelf
you can swear off
reading forever.
PEEPING TOM IN PEEK CONDITION
One of our occupations
as 7th and 8th graders
was to see if we could peek
into the girls' locker room.
We'd try to sneak past
the coach's office
but we were too well supervised.
Usually we'd get
"Where the hell are you going?"
or, "Get the hell back there, goddamn it!"
So, it was on rare occasion that
we managed to get to the door to the pool
where the girls were swimming.
When we looked through the crack
we never saw anything.
In our discontent
we spent a lot of time
in brainstorming sessions
analyzing proper courses of action
to no avail.
Our girls had spunk.
We heard that some of them
were brought up
on charges
for pulling knives on other girls
from a rival school
after a football game.
They accused them of trying to steal
their boyfriends.
We didn't know
our girls had any!
We talked about it.
We said,
"Is that us?
Are we their boyfriends?"
FATHOM THIS, MR. DEATH
I haven’t been feeling well.
There’s something going around.
I think it starts with a D
and rhymes with Beth.
Perhaps all I’ll be
is a name on a gravestone
on a windy day
hanging out
with the other gravestones
the remains
of a used up
thrown away action figure
two yardsticks deep
when they’ve finally stopped me
from writing these.
POEM DRUG
Adults:
One or two
every four hours.
Children:
See your physician.
Ingredients:
Letters
Words
Punctuation
Sentences
Warning:
Do
not inhale.
Use as directed.
Do not exceed eight
in any 24 hour period.
Please, get some rest.
ANIMAL ART TAKEOVER
Perhaps you've read about
paintings done by elephants.
In this new development
we clearly see a threat.
Soon, bees will novel
skunks will poet
and rhinos will author
children's textbooks.
The best way to defend ourselves
is to stop reading.
Otherwise, you'll be asking yourself
"Did an aardvark write this?"
or, "this sounds like that
lemming again."
In the recent past
while foolhardy souls
read in depth accounts
of some war or scandal
fresh revelations of an even
gorier, more lurid sort
were played out live before their eyes.
So, get those noses out of those books,
sign off the Internet
and throw away that TV.
You know too much,
you've seen too much,
already.
Go outside, please,
in a peaceful way,
it is my humble request,
and see if you can talk those birds
into going back to being themselves
just chasing worms around
not running our lives
producing and directing
those damn reality TV shows
and true crime murder shows
airing 24 hours a day.
The
Live-Forever Fortress
Once we've lived and died
Someone
will ask
did it matter?
Did we help one person
if it
wasn't for
personal gain?
Was there anything selfless
that
we did?
I don't have anything
better than what a Miss
America
pageant contestant
has to say--
world peace--
feed
starving children--
yup, those girls
have it right.
Maybe
I should
spend more time
on the anti-crime gene,
the sanity
pill,
and the war eraser
but first
I need to finish work
on
my Live-Forever
Fortress
since all this other stuff
looks
like it's
going to take a while.
WE USED TO HAVE PRESIDENTS
Used to be
presidents came from
around here--
Van Buren,
Coolidge,
Chester A. Arthur.