Vox Vibrato
Robert Hanshew
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Copyright © 2008
By Robert A. Hanshew
First Edition
All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without written permission from the publisher.
Printed in the United States of America
*** ** ***
Dedication
This book is dedicated to my lovely, dear wife, Anya, and my two adorable sons, Nathan and Damian. If it weren’t for good rock and roll, this book wouldn’t exist. I also thank Mr. Edwin Finney and Mr. Charles Haberlein, my co-workers, who have been a pleasure to work with and who have put up with countless renditions of the roughs in this collection.
*** ** ***
Rude Words
****, is not a rude word
Money is, from what I learned
From all the pain that it gives
To all the suffering what it is
****, is not a foul word
War is --and there is plenty to be heard
From all the lives too easily lost
To the weapons too quickly shot
Poverty is a rude word
There is plenty around to take turns
From those who are just unlucky
To those, not part of society’s something
Loneliness is a rude word
There is plenty to be shown
From tears not shown by an eye
To our society that has turned blind
*** ** ***
Post-Office Chronicles: Passport Application
Excuse me; I have a Passport Application appointment
Maam, what was that? I didn’t hear what you said
I have an appointment at ten to apply for a passport
Okay, do you have the documents and paperwork?
Excuse me, here are my forms and documents
Madam, you must only use blue and black ink, not red
I am sorry; I used your only pen at the counter
Madam, whatever you used, it was not ours
Excuse me, so now, what shall we do?
Madam, please write over the red with blue
Couldn’t I just write on a new form to redo?
Madam, a customer gets only one, not two
Excuse me, what now? The form is all done
Do you have pictures that were done dated this month?
It’s November 1st, these were only done just yesterday
Then, you’ll just have to redo them I’m afraid
*** ** ***
Blonde Non-Stop
Where did you get that necklace?
Hmm! I love your devil-pink dress
My God, what color is your purse?
It leaves me totally without words
Thanks, I love your silver bracelet
It matches my opal, turquoise necklace
Your shoes are simply to die for
Aren’t they the kind Kate Moss wore?
I bought them on a trip to Paris
At the time, they matched my red hair
I simply adore your glitter lip-gloss
How much did that cost?
I know, it’s a really hot trick
Men die for boobs and red lipstick
One guy even wrote a romantic song
All because I wore a Ralph Lauren thong
*** ** ***
What Boys Want!
Boys don’t need money to have fun
Boys just want to be bums
Eating, drinking until dawn
Together, laughing where they belong
Boys don’t need fancy clothes
Boys just wanna hang out in dirty robes
Watching the latest game on TV
Clinking their enormous wad of keys
Boys don’t need fine restaurants
Boys don’t care about how much meals cost
Ordering cheap pizza is the way to be
Even better if there’s an extra pizza for free
Boys don’t need a hairstylist
Boys don’t care for their tricks
Playing poker is their way to escape
Trying to trick each other in a dirty game
*** ** ***
Heaven’s Frig
Angels, Saints, Martyrs, thanks for coming
We are not gathered for a holy offering
There’s a problem in the office kitchen
Something smells, and it’s not religion
After investigation, the smells comes from our frig
My followers, we’ve come a long way since lamb and figs
Peter, you must dispose of that soymilk
Did you buy it when Eden had green fields?
Gabriel, your cheese is nothing but mold
It makes me wish I didn’t create a nose
Everyone is guilty of these horrible stains
Why did you let it get in this state?
St. Anthony please remove your spring onions
They are not spring or an onion, but now only something
My followers, I think all of you know what to do
You don’t want to become like Lucifer, do you?
*** ** ***
Why Tom Why?
Your films were once so entertaining
Now, they are just boring and are the same
Why Tom, why have you become this way?
You characters are so lifeless on film and stage
The downfall came with Forrest Gump
There, one can trace the downward slump
Sad, to demean yourself with a box of chocolates
Even worse was that movie, Philadelphia
What about your most recent disaster?
I can’t imagine a worse film that could come after
I mean, the book was boring and completely dull
Filled with unrehearsed facts from a literary troll
Tom, let’s hear you laugh once again
It’s better than portraying yourself well read
Stop, you’ve got Academy Awards on your mantle
Go back and amuse us like in Sleepless in Seattle
*** ** ***
One Cuckoo Flew Into the Nest
Hi Guys, why are you all just sitting around?
Come on, let’s fly and kiss the bubbly clouds
Don’t wait for mommy to fly back home
Jump out and learn to fly soaring alone
Don’t be trapped by this twiggy nest
Soar through the air floating on your breast
Laugh at the shallow minds walking below
Going here and there, ever so slow
Look, join me on this prickly edge
Hold my wing, jump from the ledge
There’s just so much to see and do
High in the sky, painted a sea blue
Great, let’s all grip together our wings
Don’t be scared falling through the trees
Flap your wings to the beat of its sound
You’ll quickly soar with me above the ground
*** ** ***
Say It, Don’t Tango It
I like Anthony -- he’s a nice guy
However, he is out of his mind
Suddenly, he’ll stand up and Tango
Dancing while we walk down the road
Like, the other day we went to the mall
While walking, he broke out in dance and song
I’ve got to admit this is just a bit over the top
Why can’t he just chat and quickly walk?
He’s worse when at work
Dancing in the hallways at every turn
I’m surprised no-one has said something
Dancing around like a in-heat monkey
All the same, he’s still a good friend
Most of the time, I don’t mind his dancing steps
But, once in awhile, I’d like some peace
Instead of a Tango down the street
*** ** ***
Gnome Advice Columns: Bread Ties
Dear Gnome:
Gnome, help me, my wife is strange
She’s yelling at me to act my age
It comes down to how I retie open bread
I don’t retie, but twist the plastic instead
She feels that my behavior is childish
I just prefer it this way that’s all it is
Gnome, please help, I want a happy home life
To fight is silly, and just over a stupid bread tie
Dear Ted:
Your situation isn’t as bad as it seems
Stop being a rebel and be part of her team
You shouldn’t have all this frustration
Ted, wake-up and smell her bacon
The solution is to retie the bread as she wants
There’s no reason to twist, and turn it onto its bottom
Try even holding her between your arms as you tie
You’ll find that you’ll enjoy this time after time
*** ** ***
I-God
People of America, here’s an offer
Aren’t you tired of the devil talking?
Our research lab has a new invention
The I-God, tune into any denomination
Put on the headphones and hear a gospel
Skip tracks and listen to Islamic Prophets
Listen to Yiddish while you exercise
Pray with the Pope as you drive
Share your hymns with your friends
Download them into an email and send
Bask in the angelic choirs from Europe
Save money, and avoid being a tourist
All this can be yours for $400 dollars
You won’t find a better price in any market
Praise the lord for this holy opportunity
Come now, join the I-God community!
*** ** ***
Demagnetized Inside
Another bill arrives yet again
Don’t have enough for my daily bread
Write on it “return to sender”
Ignore it until the next letter
Feeling demagnetized inside
Uninspired by modern life
Someone please reswipe my soul
I need a new access code
Another voice mail response
Don’t have time for this nonsense
Press the end conversation button
Ignore it, it’s already forgotten
Feeling demagnetized inside
Uninspired by technology’s lies
Someone reboot my sanity
I need a new password entry
*** ** ***
DMV Customer Service Training
Good morning state and police employees
I am again proud to be in your company
We are known for being rude and crass
For us to be unhelpful is a matter of fact
Today’s training will focus on ignoring the customers
Hopefully today’s lesson will have tips you can learn
This usually starts with the customer’s approach
Look away, then keep your actions fruitfully cold
Normally, the customer will wait for a few minutes
Ignore the customer and play with your wrists
The customer will naturally ask again for help
Look away when the customer starts to yell
Address the customer only with a lack of interest
Yawn, look sleepily while catching your breath
The customer will again yell and ask for your boss
Achieving this, you are conforming to DMV Laws
*** ** ***
Gnome Advice Columns: Annoying Slurp
Dear Gnome:
Gnome, help! My husband keeps on slurping
For days now, it has been worsening
It’s so bad he wakes me in the morning
For that reason, alone, it’s annoying
Even with earplugs, I hear the slurps
No matter what, I keep hearing that jerk
I’m so tired that I see double
Please, help me! I’m in trouble
Dear Mary:
Mary, it’s real easy what you have to do
Confront him first, detailing the truth
If that fails, try a different approach
Nothing less than selling your soul
Try doing the same as he is doing
Find something he enjoys to ruin
Like keep turning off that important boxing match
After he pops a fuse, the both of you will laugh
*** ** ***
Post Office Chronicles: Do You Have Envelopes?
Excuse me, do you sell envelopes?
Sir, we are just about to close
You don’t understand this letter is late
It’s not up for discussion or debate
Excuse me, you don’t close until five
Sir, here we have a different closing time
Well, what are your work hours then?
Please repeat, I didn’t hear what you just said
Excuse me, you are here to serve customers
Sir, we do, but that doesn’t mean we have to be lovers
Look, why don't you just serve me please
Well, there’s another post office down the street
Excuse me, do you have a supervisor?
Sir, I do, but he's asleep and extremely tired
Well, I'll never be back here again
Please repeat, I didn't hear what you just said!
*** ** ***
Never Enough Whiskey
Boss arrives asking for this and that
Cannot ever seem to finish his tasks
Somehow, I always miss his meetings
Lord, there’s never enough whisky
Policeman arrives giving another ticket
Can never give me a good reason
Lord, no matter how he treats me
There is never enough whiskey
Life throws a million of things
Somehow, many fall out of reach
But one gift always lands next to me
And, Lord, thank you for the whiskey
Woman arrives telling me about this and that
Can’t seem to get past any of her wrath
Somehow, I always fail in her company
So, Lord, give me more of your whiskey
*** ** ***
Bubbling, Wishing, Swirling, Pouring
Bubbling, bubbling in the pot
Heaven, hidden from the top
Carrots floating like logs
Potatoes chopped into blocks
Wishing, swishing for lower heat
Boiling with a few stray peas
Look, there goes some parsley
Ever so fresh, so bubbly
Swirling, swirling from a spoon
The lid’s off, ever so cool
Oh No! darkness comes again
Just have to wait and boil then
Pouring, pouring into a bowl
Looking up to see a lonely rose
Swim away, here comes a spoon
Dive, hide, and wait until he is full
*** ** ***
Letter To The Devil
Dear Lucifer, I wish to complain
I’m sick of my ball and chain
The entertainment here is simply lacking
Agh!, those mimes who perform so badly
Can’t you turn down the heat?
Sometimes, I feel I cannot breathe
I admire, though, this great aural affect
Along with the changing months of theft
I think you have breached our contract
I don’t remember “eternity” in our draft
I have a case and will go to court
Sadly, it has come to this last resort
I have complained already too many times
When confronted, you are rude and so unkind
I really, really hate to be so judgmental
But, I expected so much more out of Hell
*** ** ***
Robert Munroe
Robert Munroe, the poet, was so careless and free
He wrote poetry about beer, whiskey, and wine
Robert was obsessed with dreams of the vine
Alcoholic drinks were the answer -- the key
He was invited to Herbert Hoover’s inauguration
The President taught him so many drinking tricks
Like drinking in secret, without feeling the risk
Robert was so proud of this invitation
Robert started early and drank some beer
The President addressed the crowd and Congress
All the while, Robert drank pints of Guinness
In time, shouting, giving cheers and jeers
President Hoover sent “advisors” for him to be quiet
Robert started to strip off his pants and tweed suit
Stripping down until he was almost nude
Eventually, wearing only a sock as his tie
*** ** ***
Post Office Chronicles: Bent Envelope
Excuse me; I’m the next to be served
Sir, please wait, I know it’s your turn
It’s easy the postage has already been paid
Put it on the scale - it might not be the same
Excuse me, the postage should be correct
Sir, I can’t send it until it’s checked
Is everything okay? Is something wrong?
Hmm, well, first thing, the label is a bit too long
Excuse me; it’s correctly placed in the lower right
Sir, I can see it -- I am not that blind
So, tell me, what is exactly the problem?
Well, it’s crooked, bent, and has torn ends
Excuse me; I think this is truly crazy
Sir, I am only following the rules given to me
Tell me just what am I supposed to do
Repackage and follow proper mailing rules!
*** ** ***
Thank You for Your Complaint
Thank you for your complaint
We’re sorry that your train was late
Due to unscheduled computer reconfiguration
The engineer didn’t know to leave the station
We understand you missed your meeting
To loose that deal must be such a pity
But, unfortunately, there is nothing we can do
Except for your next trip, to offer a bedroom
The bedroom will be the standard price
It’s ideal for traveling at night
For your next meeting, you’ll be rested
Better than coach, with cushioned benches
If this doesn’t satisfy your complaint
Write a letter detailing our mistakes
Kindly put a good contact on your letter
Note: We reserve the right not to answer
*** ** ***
Decent Proposal
Ms. Adams, you can put your top back on
I’m not asking for you to do anything wrong
I do not believe in sleeping with the boss
By the way, yes, you do have nice stockings
Ms. Adams, you can strap your bra back on
To dance without it on my desk is only wrong
I have a beautiful wife and three lovely children
A secret affair is not something I believe in
Ms. Adams, please pull your panties up
Really, that wiggling is just excessively much
I’m only offering you a decent proposal
There aren’t stipulations for you to disrobe
Ms. Adams, tie your long hair back up
It’s more offensive than you without a top
You don’t have to sleep on the couch!
Moreover, please, stop dancing naked with that towel
*** ** ***
One Morning in San Tropez
The bacon files to the foot of the bed
As it slides off me and my wife, I am not upset
The grease drips slowly down the wooden beams
Eventually, worsening the already stained sheets
The eggs land in between the two of us
My temper flares, but I can only stick out my tongue
The yoke breaks and stains our pillows
Blending into shades of elegant yellow
Next, coffee comes to burn our bare feet
Spewing towards us as if from the devil’s sea
The coffee seems to soothe, though, as it burns
It does feel good when it eventually warms
Orange juice soars splashing on our chests
Dirtying the floor that has just been swept
I turn to my wife and say as grease splashes on my ear
“The room service is a bit better this year!”
*** ** ***
Side Effects
“Doctor, my medication has some side effects
I’ve been getting rashes on my forearms and legs
There is a loss of taste, smell, and touch
After a meal, I get embarrassing flatulence
While teaching, I have spontaneous urination
I see aliens instead of normal, accountant faces
I lunge at meat while at the grocer’s
My heart beats fast yet I have low pressure
I have moments that I believe I am the pope
I recite Latin; then, I become bedridden and cold
Later, strangely, I enjoy eating lima beans
All the while painting art with French themes
Dr., help me, I need new medication
I miss having normal, bodily sensations
Please, is there some answer in your folder?
‘Son, don’t overreact, your side effects are normal!’”
*** ** ***
Sir, You Cannot Do That!
“It’s improper to take your shoes off
All your buttons should be done up to the top
Smoking is not allowed inside here anymore
Karaoke is not something our customers perform
Eating someone’s dish is not right
Then to say you don’t like it, just out of spite
Sir, you cannot dangle from the chandelier
Your improv dancing is also just too weird
A gentleman doesn’t eat with his mouth open
It’s not funny to pretend you are choking
Our chef is upset from your rude comments
We are just not used to that kind of talking
Sir, running in place is not ‘Good Entertainment’
Maracas are not our salt and pepper shakers
One shouldn’t build houses with our fine plates
‘Waiter, stop, it’s okay; he’s the Secretary of State!’”
*** ** ***
If I Were President
Things would be different if I were President
For one, I would immediately abolish the Senate
Who really needs these high-tooting pre-Madonnas
All that backstabbing and their political jargon
Income tax would stop and immediately cease
I would tax other countries with hard treaties
The treaties would be guaranteed to become law
Because all the Senators would be tending the lawn
DC lawyers would be retrained as plumbers
Both are high paying jobs that offer nothing
The lawyers could still charge high hourly rates
And, if it all goes wrong, they can still have a good debate
By law, doctors would provide services for free
All of us have had enough of their Hippocratic greed
Doctors will be only paid when customers are satisfied
Folks, aren’t all of us tired of them robbing us blind?
*** ** ***
Clichéd
“Doctor, I’ll start at the bottom of the ladder
I went out of the frying pan and into the fire
I was just like a mad bull in a china shop
Probably because, in all, I didn't sleep like a log
People were avoiding me as if I had the plague
They thought I was nutty as a fruitcake
I felt, though, as if I were as light as a feather
So I remained ever so cool as cucumber”
“Sir, let me tell you before you ask
Don’t put all your eggs into one basket
You’ll end up being as blind as a bat
By painting all kettles of yours black
Don’t cry over your split milk
You must triumph over your will
Force life like water over dam with a push
But, then, you could be just beating around the bush”
*** ** ***
Apology Unaccepted
You think you can win me over with flowers
What you need is to move some mountains
A man like me doesn’t like to be shamed
You don’t’ have to name names
You think you can turn back time
You can’t give back kisses so unkind
A man like me is a gift to women like you
I’m wasting these soft, pretty eyes so true
Your apology is unaccepted
Don’t even waste your breath
I’m sorry that we even met
I’m lost in this loveless mess
You think gifts can change my mind
You can take back your cheap bottle of wine
A man like me is made for keeping
You can just leave with all your cheating
*** ** ***
The Right Number?
I’m in shock and disbelief
This can’t be real only a dream