The Heart of a Girl:
an emotional journey from 13 to 30
(the abridged Smashwords ebook edition)
By Jane Madison
Copyright 2011 Jane Madison
Smashwords Edition
Smashwords Edition, License Notes:
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I:
War
Spring
Broken Washing Machines
Worst When It's Raining
Time Can Never Heal
Unseen Friend
Just One Smile
II:
Ancestors Calling
Restless Sea
Could Be Love
Drenched
My Body Is Like a Candle
Fire Continues to Burn
Hopelessness Fled
Hello Stranger
Sole Sharer
III:
Bourbon Street
Abandoned
Exhaustion
Sunstruck
Bound
Fiend
Monster
Diner
The Antichrist
Gods Are Rare
Secret Admirer
Whirlwind
IV:
15 Hours
Princess of Wails
Blue Docs
Black Jacket Man
Almost Gone
These Songs Once Were Ours
He couldn't hold her hand
My Boyfriend Sucks
My Heart Is On Your Head
Hotel Hermosa
Texas Was Magic Through Your Eyes
I Remember You
The Answer Keeps Being Yes
Green Light
Magic Wand
I.
War
War is an evil shadow
That creeps deep in the hearts of men
Emitting pain and agony
To both foe and both friend
War is a red cloaked rider
Upon a fiery steed
Riding into bloodsoaked battle
Death, his only means to feed
War is waiting, lurking death
With delight in the kill
He savors blood and mutilation
Results of evil will
War is a web of treachery
Threaded with deceit
Escaping--friends shot with pain
Like so much rotting meat
War is cold and lonely
For all who do partake
Taking from us what we cherish
Making all involved hearts ache
War is you and war is me
The product of our greed
Destroying Earth completely
Its final, deadly deed
Spring
Spring is the summer and winter met
Under a comforting bright blue sky blanket
Spring is flowers first to bloom
That pale each night in the light of the moon
Spring is rain and golden sunshine
Allowing cares be put behind
Spring is laughing with delight
And loving life with all your might
Spring is the song of the whippoorwill
Spring is the strength in the owl's kill
Spring is a splendid time of rebirth
Restoring, replenishing beautiful earth
Broken Washing Machines
Broken Washing Machines.
Weak places in floors.
Cracks in the tiles.
No locks on doors.
No heat in the winter.
No cold in the heat.
This life is hopeless...
Unfulfilled...
Incomplete.
No television.
At times no food.
Missed the bus.
Late for school.
Stay at home.
There's no gas in the truck.
Still I wonder,
Should I pity myself?
Should I really care?
My cards have been dealt,
I'll play my hand.
My mind I will spare.
Others have worse problems,
Than I can conceive.
I must be content,
To be free,
To be me.
Worst When It's Raining
Every night I fall asleep wishing I was in someone's arms. Someone who loves me. Someone who cares. It's worst when it's raining. I can hear the drops falling on the roof. Pelting down from the night sky. I can feel the thunder and see the lightning flash. It's so romantic in a dreary, depressing way. I just wish I had someone to share this with. So I can feel safe. Sometimes I dream he comes to me like an angel. He bends to kiss me and I awake. When I realize it's him, I smile. I feel secure. I embrace him and he kisses me passionately. He stands up. He's wet with the rain and his clothes are clinging to his muscular body. He runs his fingers through his damp hair to move it away from his dark, mystical brown eyes. I can see his broad shoulders as he unbuttons his shirt. In that instant he is so handsome that I rise out of bed stopping only to wrap my sheet around my body. I go to him, and standing in the moonlight I become hypnotized by his bewitching eyes. I reach out to draw him close, but as I do, he becomes faint. I can make out his outline and...Suddenly I wake up. I search around my room longing to look into his eyes. To feel his soft lips pressed to mine. But he is gone and I realize he was only a dream...an illusion...and I sink into my bed and weep, for I am alone again.
Time Can Never Heal
If only I could share the thoughts I feel for you. If only we could find the time to act like lovers do. If only you would care the way I care for you. And if only you loved me like I love you. There is never enough time in the world to share the feelings. And there is never enough time to make the love. I could never make you see how much you mean to me. And you will never care for me as I do for you. Time can heal all wounds except a broken heart. Broken hearts were made to hurt forever. Time can make the pain decrease but never the hurt of lost love. For love is one thing time can never heal. If you had loved me, then I guess that you'd be hurting now. When I see you I see that just isn't true. You're now with someone new.
Unseen Friend
From the darkest of crevices I found an old friend.
He was someone I thought I'd never see again.
So much he meant to me...both now and then
My lover and my friend
He was someone I cared for
And he cared for me
I'd remember him, faint, like a dream
But sometimes a smell...or a voice...or a word
Would bring him out of my mind
I remember how much I needed him then
And how much I miss him now
He was danger and intrigue
A mystery to me
A rebel without a doubt
Sometimes late at night I wish he would call
I long to hear his voice
The first man I loved
The first man I touched
Where oh where are you now?
Just One Smile
He's back
Back from a place where he belonged
To a place where he doesn't
He feels so lost and lonely
Like no one cares
The whole world is against him
Because he turned away
If he'd turn back he'd be all right
But he won't
He's depressed
One by one he's losing his friends
Soon he'll have no one left
No one will care
He's given up
Said fuck it all
And turned to drugs
Now that's his only way out
His only escape
He's in a void
A world of his own
He feels so out of place in ours
So alone
What I wouldn't give to see him smile
For him to belong
And feel in place
For his face to glow
To radiate happiness and love
It's so easy to begin again
To start over with his life
And all it takes is just one smile
II.
Ancestors Calling
I can close my eyes and see planets orbiting, clouds forming, rain falling, grass growing, flowers blossoming, fruit ripening, ice freezing, fires burning, wind blowing, brooks babbling, rivers flowing, waves crashing, the sun setting, the moon rising, stars shining, earth quaking, volcanoes erupting, tears brimming, hearts breaking, life ending and time passing. In that instant, I hear all my ancestors calling.
Restless Sea
I long to be
in a Restless Sea
of blue
Alone with you
Could Be Love
You stand so close beside me
Yet I miss you all the while
I long for you to hold me
Let me hold you
Make me smile
I fear you close
I fear you far
Certain yet unsure
Help me
Weave a midnight's dream
Show me where to turn
A world apart
A world we share
A knowledge deep inside
Emotions become tangible
With no place left to hide
No name or label could I give
Just a simple description of
These feelings that I feel for you
I could almost call it love
Drenched
There was a tear I shed for you
A tear that dropped down dead for you
While barriers block my feelings back
This dam begins to break
At night my eyes dry heave with sobs but no tears
For each night it is you I must leave
When I wake I will run to you
Uprise my sun for you
Carry me throughout my dark endless night
Today a single tear fell to your finger
Dried fast away, no did not linger
But in that tear lied feelings freed
So much to give...my heart could bleed
My love is certain
There's no other person to free my emotions from behind my black curtain
With a flood of emotions comes a shower of tears
That will drench your heart for the rest of your years
My Body Is Like a Candle
My body is like a candle
As my fire burns I melt
Someday soon I'll be gone completely
Fire Continues to Burn
I look inward and find a barrel of fire surrounded by newly bloomed daffodils. Tears fall like rain to quench the fire and feed the flowers, but the fire just continues to burn and the daffodils begin to wilt.
Hopelessness Fled
I watch as the parade marches by
No one sees my eyes
No one hears my breath
Solitude can be a grand thing, but isolation is unbearable
Twice, a fallen, broken woman now, I pick up my pieces to start again
Released
How it broke my heart when you severed the twisted, matted, scarred, ugly cord that bound us fearfully together
The agony of failure was unbearable
The pain of loss left me destitute--no emotion inside--nothing left
Hopelessness crept out cloaking me with its blanket of despair
And then the sun came out and hopelessness fled crying, shrieking away from the light
That light so bright unmasked even the cleverest disguises
Sought truth and brought it before me
Hello Stranger
In your feverish passion
No scream, but a whisper
A whimper which echoes through time
You're taught not to love
Yet you can't stop from loving
You're trapped in a nightmare
That you can't escape
No love is good love
So good love is bad love
And why aren't you screaming my name?
Mental torture overrides physical pleasure
Orgasm ejaculates pain
Agonized tears cry forth
The inner self explodes
Life is a whirl of confusion
Torrents of anger cannot bluster their way out
They sit locked tight in a dungeon heart
Heart of Darkness
Cloaked with blackness
Somehow young was taught loving was wrong
Stick to your guns they say
To thine own self be true
You can only rely on yourself
Trust can't be built
Bridges burn down in sorrow
Ancient wounds melt down the will
Desire craves family, nurturing and true
Life gives you nothing but shit
Sole Sharer
Conquered vision
Committed
Savored memory
Commanding
Controlling
Compelling
Erotic
Vision of tender ecstasy
Brings ecstasy to me
Gripping--masculine beauty
Unyielding--young lover
Dark hair falls in straight waves
Dark eyes yielding pleasure
Mine wonder
Action sacred
So secret
Sole sharer
My Love
Rides above me
Caresses Himself
Voyeur watches mystified
Passion intensified
Mutual orgasm
Shared death
Vivid life
You touch me, I touch you, you touch you, I touch me, yes, I touch me...
satisfaction guaranteed
Let me hold you
and watch once more
III.
Bourbon Street
The mist was made of liquor
Intoxicating air
We sat down by the pier
breathing the night away
until I was too drunk to walk
You stumbled me home
I'd lost my keys
My mom was asleep
So we fell through
my bedroom window
letting the liquored wind
fill the room
like it filled my head
"No Ma, I ain't been drinkin'
There must be something in the air."
Abandoned
Destitute
A lonely vagabond
I crouch on the corner
Out of humanity's sight
(I hope)
No such luck
People pass by and stare at me
Some talk to me--or try
Throw down some change
Offer a cigarette
Can't they see I don't need them?
I don't want their intrusions
I'm not like the others
I sit here only because I've no place else to go
When you left me I lost my home
The nest we built went up in flames
My heart with it
Alone--I want to be left that way
Another quarter is flung my way
Senseless pity
I shrug and turn away
to avoid the voices that haunt me--
the stares that taunt me
I take off my skin so no one will recognize me
Can I silence them with their fear and disgust?
A spindly bundle of muscle and blood
I pull my skin around me and wonder
what comes next
Exhaustion
You say I was a fool
to believe in you
And you broke my mind
with your constant
Pounding.
Angry.
Noise.
You fed me cyanide flowers
Laced with honeysuckle
Such beautiful delicacies
I consumed them
While you consumed me
Years ago I died
Dining on your sweet lies
And still
somehow
You kept my limp body with you
a puppet for your life play
Finally
when I was tattered beyond recognition
You buried us both in your poisonous garden
So now I wait
for the next one to say
I was a fool
Sunstruck
Ferociously you pound
at my window
Waking me from my
cherished slumber
Unwanted guest
You sear my skin
You sting my eyes
Torment me
You rape my night
So helpless against your
Intrusive, protrusive light
I cringe
Like a deer
Watching death come
One round orb of light
I freeze
All thought escapes me
You have no secrets to tell
Your light reveals all
I want nothing you can offer
Bound
Shadowy demons taste my fear
Eat my breath
Leave me gasping,
ripped from the shivery grasp of sleep
to awaken to a starving night
Alone in a dark sea
My blanket my shroud
Death creeps through the cracks
and steeps through the pipes
I crouch and I cringe
Trapped in the thorny grip of terror
When I close my eyes again
to take the once mystic,
now sadistic,
journey to dreamland
I build walls in my mind--
white walls of peace
in the doorway where dreams lay
and demons lie
White mortar and cement
Constructed by thought
Keep the demons at bay
For a time
But sometimes,
they crash the wall,
smash with their relentless paws
and grab me from the cold night
to drag me through their fire
my eyes open and sleepless
I pray for the light of a new day
and a chance again
to keep the demons at bay
Fiend
I fell down today
and broke my heart
Shattered flesh
sliced through my veins
Slitting my wrists
Blood fled from my wounds
Burning for freedom
Swimming away with my life
Where were you?
Too late
you found my fallen figure
saw my seeping wounds,
collected my blood
in a crescent shaped cup
Fiend
You drank me
like a vampire never did
Dream granted in the time
where life meets death
Perhaps I can live in you now
Immortalized in flesh
Monster
Steel spikes in my throat
Metal chains on my heart
I am caged in your mind
You lured me from
my playpen
to fuck me in
your dungeon
Innocence lost in a
leatherclad thrust
velvet lust
So soft and hard
I let you
Imprison me
You are free
but I can never leave
You keep me bleeding
chained to the walls
of your beating heart
Diner
You're the one that wants my death
My life
My breath
And all the rest
You want me whole
And ripped apart
You drank my soul
And ate my heart
The Antichrist
I watch him onstage
with his leather cock cup
and platform boots
this scrawny demon
makes me wet
makes me sweat
he spits on me
and I swallow
with his brown eye
I am judged
with his blue one
I am fucked
he's a monster
but I want him
Gods Are Rare
There was a time, long ago, when you were the god of my world
Your life gave me breath
You were the atmosphere in which I grew, in which I loved
Yes, I loved you with my every breath
Sadly, that time of divinity has passed
My god is dead
I guess all I can do now is search for a new god
Someone new to give me life
Someone to give and take my breath
I fear that I shall search forever
Gods are rare these days
Secret Admirer
I thought I'd seen that look before but no it couldn't be
Someone like you, something so true, your blue eyes watching me
It must have been the light I said performing tricks inside my head
A light so bright, a light so true, there's no way that it could be you
I look to see if you're still there, you are, my eyes can't help but stare
You turn around, you catch my eye, you walk away, you say goodbye
And inside all I knew was true, it never never could be you
Who walks my way, who makes me shy, who holds me when I start to cry
No you're the one who walks away when tears start pouring down my face. You stay until I start to cry then turn away and wonder why
Whirlwind
You're like a whirlwind
You picked me up and carried me away to a strange place that makes no sense to me
I'm lost in you
I can't see anything now
I can only feel
My outside is flushed with the heat of your constant motion
My insides spin continually
When you stop, will you join me?
Or will you cast me aside and move on to destroy another heart?
What's your game?
Are you clearing a path to me? For me?
Or are you just using me as fuel for your speed
I'll wait, I suppose
What more can I do?
I'm so lost in you
I can only wait for you to let me go
when your winds die down, I guess I'll know then.
IV.
15 Hours
15 hours of unspent lust
15 years of pent-up rage
For five of those I've felt like I've been locked up in your cage
A 15 hour hard-on tells my tale
Frustration and denial in a state of arousal
Why do you do this to me?
I know when to nurture
I know when to whore
I know your secrets
I know your core
I know you good
I know you bad
You know your hard-on drives me mad
Chained behind a barbed wire fence
I strip my soul for you
Love and lust rip through my veins
but you don't come
you won't come
Princess of Wails
My walls wept for you the day you died
Tears rained grief from my ceiling
My television filled with blood
And my stereo shut down for days
Electronics mourning the morning you died
Now gardens bloom in your name all over the world
Rainbows of flowers you'll never see
Petals filled with tears
Offerings from people you never met
But they loved you just the same
Seven stars fell from the heavens when you fell from this earth
Only 36, but radiant as the light from a thousand ships
And with Grace enough for all
Such a senseless death
Not enough time for one to give
But you gave your all didn't you?
And in those final moments, did you taste wine on your sweet breath?
Did it cloud those last moments with the memories of your children
We are sorry Princess Diana
Your bright light is quite a loss in this dark world
But you are immortal now
Forever the young, beautiful humanitarian
Your face will live forever in our minds
I only hope we choose the right photo
I sit here with salty moisture still clinging to my walls
And bloodstains darkening my television
And hope you had the freedom to drive through Paris in a sports car with the warm wind in your hair at least once in your brief life
Blue Docs
I didn't quite meet you in London
Mystery man in your cool blue Docs
Hiding in shadows
You looked perfect under the lamplight
I saw you light a cigarette
Smoke danced against the fog
Strangers in a foreign country too scared to speak
Touring famous murder sites and old English pubs
You were with your friends
They seemed really nice
I desperately wanted to see you again
At the end of the night we took the same train
The strange magic in the air made anything possible
So why were we so afraid?