Hard Times Through Prison Bars
David Pillatos
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 David Pillatos
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
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Suicide
Suicide would be such bliss,
A slight sting of the razor
As it cuts through the skin of my wrist.
I’m getting tired now as blood drips to the floor,
Will suicide find me the peace that I long for?
Or will I go to a burning hell
Where I’d be beat by demons – with cat-o’ 9 tails,
A perpetual punishment for my evil unveiled
No sign of peace after so many years in jail.
I struggle and strive
I try to survive
But this evil, it haunts me
It screws with my mind.
All that I want is peace
But there’s none to be found
So I scream;
But the pain drowns it out.
Please help me!
I hate who I am
A killer, a sinner,
A beast of the ground.
God help me!
Smother this flame
Extinguish the beating of my heart
Remove all thought from my brain.
Pointless
Another day drags by
Monotonous and dull
Life becomes more pointless
By comparison death seems colorful.
Why live in isolation?
Staring at concrete walls
Glimpsing freedom through razor wire
Cut off from the world.
Death would be much better,
Then all would be explained
Even burning in hell
Is preferable to slow decay.
Damnation
God please strike me down
Kill me and give me peace!
Release me from suffering
Or make me a beast.
You’ve taken all I have loved
And promised what I don’t believe
You’ve dangled love in front of me,
But have put it out of reach.
A cruel master you are,
Making your servant beg for death,
Appointing me paths of misery
And calling it a test.
Just assure me of nothingness
And I’ll slit my own wrists,
Bleed out into oblivion…
But you won’t give even this.
Kill Yourself
There’s an empty noose below my door
Calling for company;
The only thing in my cell that offers to comfort me.
Kill yourself…
I made it with tender attention
And caressed it like I would a woman
Nine knots for every year that I’ve felt worthless.
Kill yourself…
Hanging there like a limp halo
Angelic in its own way,
Beckoning me toward peace,
No more pain or rainy days.
Kill yourself…
“Kill yourself” it calls to me
Yet it whispers oh so seductively
Promising what I desire
No more torment, no more emotional pyres.
Kill yourself…
Yet like all things that seem so right
I believe that she’s a liar
For once I put my neck into her hands
I think I’ll see eternal fire.
Kill yourself…
At least it would be warm there
These cells are awfully cold
Maybe I will put my neck in her grasp…
But could I be that bold?
Kill yourself…
Misery Loves Company
Misery loves company,
So she decided to marry me
To live inside my head
And beat me till I’m dead.
She makes me beg for death
By killing all I love,
Then rubs salt into my wounds
And tells me that I’m scum.
I’d like to strangle her
But she’s locked inside my mind
So the only way to kill her
Is by taking my own life.
Merciless
Out late at night
Preying on the weak
Like wolves upon a lamb
Who care not for the meek.
No compassion within,
Love tainted by life’s twists
Ruthless to the centre
Anger as my gift.
And now I try to change
But the hate is still so strong
And what life has to offer
Leaves little incentive to hang on.
Pride, rage and mental sickness
Fight honor, love and mental rightness
And I don’t know which will win.
Some Help Please?
God!
I pray to you daily
I beg for your help
Yet my pain is increasing
No condolence is felt.
I ask to be better
For my faith to increase
And I beg for forgiveness
Or at least mental peace.
Yet I still want to cry
The hate burns deep inside
And suicide sounds so sweet
Can I please get some help?
Is this part of your plan?
Do you want me to feel like a beast?
Will you ease from my mind,
A small piece of my life
Or just please! Please!
Kill me!!!
Despised By Fate
Immured by hate
And despised by fate
I’m all alone in this Hell.
Slandered by men,
No woman’s my friend
And suicide I’m denied as well.
The scars on my arms bear witness
To the fact I’m acquainted with pain
And the welts on my soul are as hideous
As the lashes cover my brain.
Mentally tormented I am
Ingenious, yet fairly insane
Longing for heat in the cold world
Or death as the end of this game.
Mad House
Prison in a mad house,
Or a house that makes men mad?
Unless you have the state of mind
Where “Nothing is that bad”.
But what kind of person
Thinks that prison is okay?
Ripped from freedom and family
Then caged and locked away.
Denied love because of concrete,
A woman’s touch because of steel,
And a walk along the beach
By the walls that hold us here.
So does prison make us mad?
Or were we already insane?
Doing things we knew would get us here,
A set back in life’s game?
Yeah, I’m insane.
Ocean of Hate
My hate is like a ocean,
Vast.
That rolls gently forward,
Then is pulled back.
Also like the ocean I can’t see the depth of it.
So deep and heavy nothing can live in it.
The ocean I usually mellow,
Water’s gently lapping a the beach
Then an unexpected tidal wave come and smashes everything.
Pulling back more trash
To pollute further its great mass
And then the ocean slumbers
Gently rolling in my chest.
Burden of Proof
What will a person do
For someone they love?
Someone they cherish
And hold as a gift from above?
Will they sacrifice morals?
Surrender their pride?
Accept malicious slander?
Forfeit their life?
And if they won’t
Can they say their love is the truth?
That their love has no limit
And their word is the burden of proof.
In that case,
What is love but a word?
Tossed about as freely
As gifts of no worth.
Confusion
Confusion Hurts,
More than the blows that rained down
Bloodying my face;
More than being slapped around.
More than rape,
Not knowing why
My blood dripped to the floor
Or my sister screamed and cried
Not knowing why
No-one was there.
Confusion hurts
Because I didn’t know why,
Why I deserved
To be cursed with this life.
I suppose knowledge also hurts
But it does more to alleviate pain
Because now I know why,
I’m locked in this case…
I’m evil.
Caged
Sitting in a cage,
A victim of my rage
With no treatment from the system
That’s meant to help us change.
And the guards they think its funny
When I’m held down by their chains
Laughing at my frustration
Mocking my tears of rage.
Laughing at my bad decisions,
Judging me by my crime,
Thinking that its funny
I’m doing so much time.
So I act like a beast
I justify their lies
And the more they laugh at me
The more I want to die.
Pernicious
Pernicious hate
Sequestrated by pernicious fate
Then locked inside of me
To rape my spirit and my mind disease.
Then I’m told to overcome
To ride the torrential waves of rage
Without getting wet.
To keep my pain in check
To move on.
It’ll Be Better
Every night I go to sleep
I vow to wake up and be better,
But when I wake to a new day of shit and misery
Its only the hate I can remember.
No love in these cold cells
Only anguish and pain
Constantly praying for God to alleviate it
But my desire to die is the same.
I’ve lost my son, life and sanity,
One more blow to my cracked soul and I may lose my humanity.
My bed sheet whispers it will bring peace,
But I’m damned scared of Hell’s fire since I’m weak.
I’m denied everything I desire
Yet people still say “It’ll get better”,
But when I’m chained naked to the ground
Not one raises a hand to loosen my fetters.
The only time it will be better
Is when this world comes to an end
Or when I find the courage
And slit my wrist again.
…then maybe it’ll be better.
Untitled
My whole life has been filled with pain,
Rage and hate emotions I can’t explain
Child molestation, physical abuse and torment unnamed
And through my suffering I’ve remained sane.
I’ve though of suicide many times
Pondering the imperfections of life
And the seeming necessity of strife
It sometimes seems without anguish something’s not right.
Yet I’m forbidden to take my own life.
But do I really want to die?
At times hope is all I have to keep me alive
A subconscious whisper that it will be fine…
Its anathema to my cynicism,
The armor surrounding my heart,
Hope is that one ray in the dark.
That hope is mostly my family
The people who don’t lie when they say they’ll stand by me.
I’m Alone
I’m all alone
And I want to die
But I’m scared of Hell
So I keep on fighting.
My girl left me
Cause she says I’m mean
Ignoring the fact
That that’s the life I lead.
I’m all alone
Except my inner demons
And all they do is beat me
So I’m inward screaming.
Where is the peace God?
Are my tears meaningless?
Can you give me some comfort
Or is torment your gift?
I’m all alone
Even with my friends and family
Cause I’m locked up in prison
The concrete surrounding me.
Even in here I’m along
Because other prisoners don’t like me
Since I hate all their politics
And morally bankrupt society.
I’m all alone
Or so it usually seems
But I know God is there
And that He loves me.