When I Was
Young
When I Was Young
By Wendy Maddocks
© Wendy Maddocks, 2011
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When I was young
Contents
Introduction
No drink, no drugs, no sex
Head games
I’ve got feelings too
I wish it was me
My mum
Father, daddy, dad
The clock
I may need help
Innocence
Old woman
The girl
Never me
Do you care?
Listening to fear
To my guardian angel
Death penalty
Original sin
My journey
Easy target
The trace
Naive
Life lost
Thank you
Siamese sister
Presence
Omnipresent
The climb
Don’t cry
Run and hide
Scared
Real me
Like you
Fall away
Too much
Set me free
Alive
Getting away with murder ’03
Stuck
Drowning
The gift
My brighter tomorrow
Growing up
Not a kid
Me in the mirror
Seeing them
Unsung hero
Just words
Secrets
Red
Introduction
Every tiny mistake is the end of the world for a teenager. The systems of the world were created with the sole purpose of screwing up your life. Nobody understands a teenager because, of course, no one else has ever been through those pesky teenage years. And every man and his dog is out to get you. At least, that’s what it feels like.
I was no different. However, instead of spending my formative years in front of my Nintendo or loitering on street corners or dreaming of being famous for doing nothing in particular, I wrote. And I’ve got just enough ego to think people might want to read it. Many people think a lot of teens write poetry as an outlet for inner turmoil and emotional confusion. That’s true. But it does not mean it can’t be damn good poetry. The quality is subjective but I enjoyed writing them and expressing myself in a (maybe) elegant way rather than keeping my emotions inside until I explode.
This collection of fifty poems were all written when I was about 16 or 17. They represent some of the things that I thought, felt and went through. Some are just poetic license at work but they are all important to me. Perhaps it will give you a glimpse of the train wreck that is a young mind. Maybe it will help you voice some of the worries you have about being young and, one day, not being young.
To anyone who is, was or owns a teenager – I salute you. You have the hardest job in the world.
No drink, no drugs, no sex.
I was happy, truly happy.
For the first time,
I was surrounded by family.
My friends were there too.
My favourite song was playing,
And someone was talking.
We had a good night out last week,
Me and the girls.
My mom gave me one of her talks.
‘No drink, no drugs, no sex’ she said.
I wasn’t gonna do anything stupid.
When we got to the club, I relaxed.
Some bloke offered me a spliff.
‘No drink, no drugs, no sex’,
I remembered what I’d promised.
Then I hit the dancefloor.
I’d only had one dance before I went hyper.
Someone spiked my coke –
Vodka and a roofy.
Now, through no fault of my own,
I’d broken all three promises.
‘No drink, no drugs, no sex’.
Head games
Multi-coloured swirls
Head spinning
Red, blue, green, neon pink
Rainbow colours
Nothing makes sense
Too many questions
No answers
Jumbled, moving
Everything changes
Psychedelic and senseless
Make me forget
Trippin’
Feel dizzy, sick
Losing control
Wanna get off
Bad trip
Or just life?
I’ve got feelings too
I don’t know why you pick on me
I haven’t done anything to you
You don’t know how much you hurt me
You don’t care either, do you?
I’ve got feelings too, you know
Don’t pretend I haven’t
I’m actually more sensitive than most
Flesh and blood, heart and soul
Sometimes I think you’re not
You can’t have a conscience
Not if you don’t mind hurting people
Sometimes I wonder, ‘Why do I bother?’
I’m not appreciated
Just taken for granted
Notice me, make me feel good
Accept me for being me
Please don’t hurt me
I wish it was me
What do I do?
What do I say?
How do I help you?
Tell me what way
You’re slipping away from me
And I don’t want you to go
I don’t like to see you suffer
Or feeling so low
You go through so much
Yet you’re so brave
You try not to complain
But I can see you’re in pain
I wish it was me, not you
Then one day you’re gone
And you’ve been so strong
I wish it was me, not you
Mum, twenty-two
My mum
Am I going to die, Mum?
Am I going to die?
Everything’s gone black, Mum
Please, tell me why
I remember a crash, Mum
That’s all I know
Then the ambulance came, Mum
Blue lights all aglow
I heard what they said, Mum
‘She might not pull through’
I heard what they said, Mum
Did you hear it too?
I didn’t do anything wrong, Mum
I listened to what you said
I didn’t do anything wrong, Mum
But now I might end up dead
I don’t want to leave you, Mum
I don’t want to go
I don’t want to leave you, Mum
But I know you already know
I know you want to cry, Mum
I want to wipe your tears away
But everything’s still black, Mum
Will I make it through today?
I know I’m going to die, Mum
I know I’m going to die
But will I have to go, Mum
Without getting to say goodbye?
Father, daddy, dad
I saw a bright room full of people
Was one of those people you?
I immediately knew who my mum was
Her eyes were big, bright blue
I grew up without a daddy
I was always the odd one out
The other kids used to tease me
I wanted to scream and shout
I used to think of you Dad
Did you ever think of me?
You should have seen me growing up
Isn’t that how things should be?
I visit your grave now Father
Sometimes I even cry
Do you ever cry Father?
Although you never loved me
I’ll always be here for you
The clock
I am a clock
Tick tock tick tock
I am a clock
Hanging on the wall
Not large and not small
Hanging on the wall
Hoping I won’t fall
Everyone looks at me
But no-one ever sees
I am just a clock
Going tick, going tock
I want to be a speeding bullet
Heart of the action for a minute
I want to be a shining medal
Someone’s won me – I am special
I want to be a fantasy dream
Everything good and everything clean
But I’m just a clock
Tick tock tick tock
Just a clock
Tick tock tick tock
Tick tock
I may need help
I’m not a defenceless
Helpless little girl
Not the girl you think I am
I don’t need you to take care of me
Nor your the round the clock protection
You don’t need to watch over me
Just give me a little direction
All those years I’ve wasted
The ones you think I’ve wasted
I’ve been putting them to good use
Building up my defences
I can take everything you throw at me
And I won’t back down
I’ll fight for what I believe
But I might need some help
I can’t do it alone
Innocence
The innocence of childhood
Belongs only to the young
It can be ours no longer
Till our sins have been sung
The young have their hopes
Their dreams and their faith
They live in simplicity
Trust that everything is safe
But we look down on our future
And their view of the world
To them, it’s all black and white
No evil seen nor heard
I’d like to be a child again
To have my innocence retained
See the good in it all
Running free, unashamed
Old woman
I see an old woman
Frail and old
But I look in her soul
See purest gold
She may not have a future
But she does have a past
She bears no regrets
Though it went by too fast
I look at the woman
See not her skin
I look in her eyes
See the beauty within
When you look at the woman
What do you see?
Just a wasted old woman?
What if that’s me?
The girl
There’s a girl I used to know
I wonder where she went
A happy, carefree child
Until that youth was spent
She didn’t have a care in this world
Running around – free as a bird
Nothing really mattered
I know I knew this girl
This girl used to be me
Life was so simple then
No horrors to be seen
I don’t know where that girl has gone
I want to see her again
I know if I look hard enough
I’ll find her again
Never me
So many things that I wanted to say
So many demons that I needed to slay
Wanting to be the same
Wanting to play the game
Wanting to be a normal girl
But I shall never be
Cos that girl is never me
And I just want to be
The girl that’s never me
And sometimes I wonder
Sometimes I need to know
Why you let me flounder
When the choice is sink or swim
I know I’m not the perfect girl
But this isn’t a perfect world
Wanting to be the same
Wanting to play the game
Wanting to be a normal girl
But I shall never be
Cos that girl is never me
And I just want to be
The girl that’s never me
I wish that I could be
But I shall never be
And I just want to be
The girl that’s never me
Do you care?
When I’m hurting inside
No-one seems to care
But do they even know
Even know that I’m there?
They say lighten up
Be happy, stay cool
They can tell me these things
But I’ll still feel a fool
This isn’t their problem
So why should they care?
Because they have a conscience
Because they know it’s not fair
Sometimes I feel silly
For acting this way
But despite your denial
I won’t go away
Listening to fear
She’s speaking in whispers
Saying words I can’t hear
My limbs all have blisters
Because this is my fear
I know I’m a bad girl
But, why do they tease?
Oh to Hell with the world!
I’m not trying to please
I don’t give a damn
What she thinks or she cares
But what I can’t stand
Is her cold, callous stare
I really don’t care
Least, that’s what I say
She’s speaking in whispers
Saying words I can’t hear
To my guardian angel
To my guardian angel,
You saved me on the edge of despair,
You rescued me on the brink of suicide,
You tried to protect me from the horrors
of life,
You’ve been so good to me.
When everything looked black, you showed me the
light at the end of the tunnel.
When I wanted to end it all, you showed me there
was so much to live for.
You’ve been so good to me.
I always believed in you, and
You tried never to let me down.
You’ve done so much for me.
I’ll try not to let you down.
You’ve been so good to me.
Thank you.
Death penalty
In my dreams, I’m dying
And I don’t want to wake
Heaven can take me now
Or let me burn me Hell
And I will not complain
Drowning in guilty seas
Because I killed a man
All the lives I have saved
And I make this mistake
It lies heavy against them
And I can’t even the score
In the night, it haunts me
His broken body’s ghost
Maybe I deserve to die
To lose what I’ve taken
But I always wake up
And find I am punished
I am sentenced to life
Original sin
The flames of my sin surround me
It will burn me.
The blaze of my guilt consumes me
Eats me alive.
I committed this crime.
I was looking forever for
Original sin.
A sin worse than deadly
So pure and old.
More precious than gold.
I’ve exhausted all the old ones
There’s nothing left.
Ancient and primal, older than time.
Burnt for committing
The ultimate crime.
My journey
As I walk down this lonely road
I long for someone to share my load
There are many stops along the way
I’ll get through this, come what may
No-one reaches out a helping hand
The time has come to make my stand
For everything that I believe
I walk the road, it never ends
How far I walk all depends
As I watch the day turn into night
I know all the decisions I made were right
I won’t let all my hopes be dashed
I won’t let all my dreams be trashed
My choices are mine and mine alone
I’ve got to make them on my own
So many challenges, I’ve got to face
All they challenge is my faith
Travelling down the road
Easy target
Why am I always the one
That gets shouted at?
That gets picked on?
That gets the blame?
I’m small, female and sensitive
I guess I’m an easy target
Then, there’s people like my sister
She’ll make things up and lie
She’ll purposely wind me up
Just to get me in trouble
Or, you can take my ‘rents
They blame me for everything
I know it’s ‘cos I’m the youngest
But none of it’s even my fault
I’m small, female and sensitive
I guess I’m an easy target
At school, I used to get bullied
By ignorant little pricks
I couldn’t stand up for myself
I simply just didn’t know how
People used to push me around
They used to make me take the rap
And now I just won’t let them
‘Cos now, I can fight back
I’m small, female and sensitive
I guess I was an easy target
The trace
A pen in my hand, tapping away
A blank page at my desk, accusing
A thought occurs, but remains at bay
The wall clock ticks, time is passing
My idea runs, it wants to play.
It dashes across, too fast to follow
Half-formed in the pale moonlight
The process is devoid, it seems so hollow
Prancing and dancing, tracking through white
The shadow escapes me, forming my sorrow.
The room is silent and tense
I can hear my heart beat
Time carries on, all pretence
Empty as the cold street
A light goes on, breaking my trance.
The pen lies still in my hand
A written page stares at me
The thoughts flow free, rolling sand
Beach tracks washed, unknown by sea
Floating away, floating home, on demand.
Naïve
An army of tin soldiers
Eager to play their war games
Melting in fires of conflict
Losing nothing but lead paint
Ping pong cannonballs fly
Paper bullets knock them down
The domino effect
Metal troops, standing proud
Losing nothing but paint
Life lost
I touch fire – I do not burn
I touch ice – I do not freeze
I go underwater – I do not want to breathe
I fight for my life – I do not want to live
You can give me no reason to be here
No purpose for which I must stay
But I know that I have to
It’s just what I do – all that I do
My unknown existence
I know of no reason to struggle and try
When I don’t even know why I’m here
My unknown existence
A life without meaning means no life at all
A life lost in time – lost to the world
But it is no loss
But being here is just what I do
I don’t want to and I don’t know why
Living is all I know
Though I don’t… in
My unknown existence
Thank you
I was down and wanted to cry
But you gave me my wings
And taught me to fly
For that I thank you
I was afraid – lost and alone
But you took me in
And gave me a home
For that I thank you
I was left outside in the rain
But you gave me a coat
And said ‘Don’t be ashamed’
For that I thank you
I was so sad that I couldn’t smile
But you made me laugh
And I felt like a child
For that I thank you
For everything
I thank you
Siamese sister
My heart breaks for her
My side burns for her
She should be here
She should complete me
The other half is missing
And I will never feel whole
She was part of me
Now, part of Heaven
Maybe she wanted it
Maybe it set her free
But I want her back
And she can’t return
The fire always burns
In my heart, she lives
Presence
If she could just find a voice,
I’m sure she’d speak.
If she could just find the words,
I’m sure she’d say.
If she just knew the reasons,
I’m sure she’d explain.
You’ve emptied her out. This river’s run dry.
She is spent.
She has nothing left to give.
If she could just find her tears,
I’m sure she’d cry.
If you would just listen,
Maybe you’d hear.
She whispers, voicelessly, wordlessly.
Her candle snuffed out long ago
When it should be burning bright.
Omnipresent
You provided comfort every night
When I drifted to sleep at your side
You healed me when the monsters cut me
I never even let you touch me
You pushed yourself beyond tired
And let me rest when I desired
You never wanted more than I gave
Not even when I offered nothing
You had needs too – why didn’t I think?
I used my own shirt to bandage your wounds
I stroked your torn face ‘til it healed with the moons
I didn’t know what else I could do
I guess you grew old whilst I just grew
The climb
The higher you climb
The further you fall
The mystery of life rolls out before me
I remain confused
The more that I learn, the less that I know
So complicated
Just when I think I understand it all
I climb the first rung
It twists and contorts, ever-changing.
Waiting and waiting, for more to unfurl
I am impatient
I achieve more understanding as it clears
It’s meaningless
I find myself at the end of a ladder
Behind me is fuzz
How high will I be when I fall?
Don’t cry
Please don’t cry
I know you feel like crap
But I’m here
Please don’t cry
I know you’re in pain
But I’m here
Please don’t cry
I know you’re suffering
But I’m here
Please don’t cry
I know he hits you
But I’m here
Please don’t cry
I know the scars show
But I’m here
Please don’t cry
I know you feel alone
But I’m here
Please don’t cry
I know that you’re lost
But I’m here
Please don’t cry
I know you’re scared of him
But I’m here
Please don’t cry
I know he’s killing you
But I’m here
Please don’t cry
I know you’re too young
But I’m here
Please don’t cry
I know you’re scarred for life
But I’m here
Please don’t cry
I know it’s never over
But I’m here
Please don’t cry
I know you can’t hear me
But I’m still here
Run and hide
When I wanted help
Where were you?
When I made my life
Where were you?
Trying to make up
For the times that you missed
But it’s too late
Invading my life
Like you were there all along
But it’s too late
In the future
You won’t be there
When I need you
You won’t be there
When things get rough
You run and hide
When maturity calls
You run and hide
Scared
I’m scared
Scared of life and of death
Scared of the future and of the past
I’m told it’s just natural
And that I shouldn’t fret
But how can I not?
I can’t just forget
I’m scared of life
Like a roller-coaster ride
Up and down
Round and round
Then suddenly – it stops
It’s over too soon
I’m scared of my future
The unchartered territory
The great beyond
But I know what’s behind me
I need to step forward
While I’m so scared
I’m just standing shy
And I’m scared of letting
The world pass me by
Real me
I thought I was tough
I wanted to be
I never thought you’d fall in love
Not with me
I built up so many fronts
I forgot about me
The real me
I was playing the tough chick
Another of my games
But you knew it wasn’t me
The me inside
You tore away the layers
One after the other
Blowing my cover
Then you saw me
Without a disguise
And I wanted to hide
I felt vulnerable and cold
My soul laid bare
And I don’t have to hide
While you’re there
Like you
How can it be wrong to be different?
I live and I love and I breathe and I die.
I’m just like you underneath.
Cut me and I bleed – like you
Hurt me and I cry – like you
Hit me and I bruise – like you
But I’m not you
I have a wild imagination
I write with a flair and style
I want to explore the night
I live in my own world
I’m not afraid to be different
I like being unique, special
I don’t want to be like you
Fall away
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t slam the door
The world might fall away
I let go of your hand
And you fell away
I shut my heart to you
So you ran away
I gave you my body
You took me away
I forgot I loved you
You threw it away
Everything is lost
It is away
Things we’ll never know
They went away
A love lost in time
It blew away
Don’t close your eyes
‘I have to’
Don’t slam the door
‘I need to’
I watched the world fall away
Too much
Too much blood
Too much pain
Too much anger
Too much hate
The world has turned black
Black, and streaked with red
The air crackles with evil
Evil come and evil gone
Stains the world with its mark
A world tainted with pain
Twisted and tortured
With all kinds of hurt
People hating on people
Too much violence
Too much for too long
Years of irreparable damage
Affecting generations to come
And generations gone by
Now they’re calling for peace
But it’s never enough
Too little, too late
Set me free
I don’t want the money and I don’t want the fame
I just want everybody to treat me the same
Why do you treat me the way that you do?
Just ‘cos I’m different. ‘Cos I’m not like you.
So much that I can’t do, so much that I can
I’m true to myself and I’m all that I am
So many ideas locked up in my head
For poems and stories that may never be read
Writing’s my life and I may never stop
I won’t give it up ‘til I reach the top
I am the girl that you try to ignore
See me for me; nothing less, nothing more
I do not have style, I do not have grace
I don’t even have a beautiful face
I do not have glory, I do not have cash
I don’t have finesse, I don’t have panache
Please tell me why you can’t see behind
See what’s inside – a beautiful mind
I’m true to my heart and that’s all I can be
So don’t hold me back. Please set me free
From this –
Misery
Alive
I need to know how it feels
To really be alive
To have that spark that always burns
To be considered real.
And if I already am alive
Why do I not know?
Shouldn’t there be some sign?
Shouldn’t I have some drive?
When none of this is right
But it isn’t really wrong
How can I see the light of day
When all around is night?
Getting away with murder ‘03
Ask me why
And you’ll get no answer
The bombs are dropping, and
The bullets are flying.
A war on terrorism?
Hypocrites.
People are scared, and
Their lives are torn.
This is war.
So this is for you, George Bush.
And you, Tony Blair.
A note to say thanks
For finding a way to justify
Mass homicide.
Yeah, you freed the people…
You killed them.
How can that be right?
It was just payback and revenge.
Fight terrorism with terrorism, but
Pretty it up.
Does all that power make them
Impartial, or heartless?
War was not the solution.
Ask me why
And you’ll get no answer.
I’ll never understand.
Stuck
Stuck in a traffic jam
Watching, waiting
For someone to make a move
The air filling up with fumes
Choking everything around
I can hear voices on the radio
Singing songs that mean nothing
Saying words that don’t matter
Turning my brain to mush
Everyone’s in a rush, but nobody moves
I have somewhere to be
I check my work while I wait
I can only wait – I can’t drive
So I’m stuck
Someone moves, slowly
Maybe I won’t be late after all
But then they stop
And I’m stuck
Drowning
How do I know if I’m too lost
To be saved?
When the darkness comes to claim me
Let me go
I don’t want you to rescue me
I’ve gone too far
The night world is my home now
I know my place
I can’t be saved
You always held me back from that
You wouldn’t let go
But I’m tired of all this fighting
And I know I’m so lost
You can’t save me
The gift
Someone once said that
The hardest thing to do in this world
Is to live in it
But you have to be strong
You have to live
Have you ever had so many problems
That you just need to vent?
But no-one seems to care
They’re wrapped up in their own troubles
But they do care
Have you ever had so many questions
That you just have to ask?
But no-one knows the answers
They’ve got questions of their own
But they are listening
Have you ever been pulled in so many directions
That you just don’t know where to turn?
No-one can make that choice
You have to decide that yourself
But people want to help
Have you ever felt your heart being ripped out and shredded
Because you love someone too much?
And you might die without them
It feels like it’s killing you
But it’s not
Have you ever felt all of these things
And wanted to give up?
But you never did, never will
Because you’re too strong
Someone once said that
The hardest thing to do in this world
Is to live in it
But you have to be strong
You have to live
She died
That was her strength
That was her Gift
My brighter tomorrow
Out of darkness came light
Out of despair came hope
Out of loneliness came you
You were my salvation, my saviour
My brighter tomorrow
You were the ray of sunshine
When it was raining outside
You were the smile I saw
When I was crying inside
You gave me a bright future
When all I had was a bleak past
You showed me my guiding light
When I couldn’t find my way
You gave me everything I needed
When I felt I had nothing
Out of darkness came light
Out of despair came hope
Out of loneliness came you
Growing up
When your heart is breaking
And you can’t take the pain
All you do is look round
To find some-one to blame
Because it’s easier that way
To give it a name
You can let some-one else cut you
But your blood leaves the stain
And you are the mistress
Of life’s little game
Not a kid
Why do you call me a kid?
I’m still just a teenager
But I’ve had to grow up fast
If you only knew
What I’ve had to go through
You’d know I’m not a kid
I missed out on my youth
Because I knew the truth
There was never time to be naïve
I may only be young
But my head is hung
And I’m not a kid
Me in the mirror
I stare deep into the mirror
Do I really know the girl inside?
Her heart is broken
Her eyes are clouded
With the pain of a thousand goodbyes
She never seems to smile
I only see her cry
I just wish I could tell her
Everything will be alright
She tells stories of pain
That come from within
Dogged by her past, so afraid
She looks so sad
Her sparkle has died
The tears in her eyes haven’t dried
Each decision, shadowed by doubt
She gets hurt so easily
I wish there were words I could say
But that girl inside is me
Seeing the
Nothing seems right, everything is wrong.
I think I’ve gone crazy, I’ve been here too long.
Crying for no reason - the tears they don’t stop.
Screaming out loud – the voice won’t quiet.
Thoughts gone wild – heading right for the drop.
Banding together – ready for a riot.
Figures in white, drifting past
Wanting to be normal, at last
Glancing behind, no-one follows
Paranoia, hard to swallow
Don’t understand, always ignored
Inside – empty, a shell, hollow.
Screaming within, it doesn’t make sense
No-one listens – life too intense
Reality a word that few understand
Unable to change it, sit on the fence
Something to do, nothing to do
Unfinished business
Do you see them too?
Unsung hero
Silently
Slipping away from me
And I didn’t notice
So wrapped up
In myself
Unseen
You crept out of life
Did anyone notice?
All consumed
In self-gain
Courageous
You let yourself be broken
And no-one noticed
No-one knew
You were here
Just words
Goodbye used to mean something
Now it’s just a word
Everybody says it everyday
But they don’t really mean it
Goodbye used to mean forever
But that’s empty too
Hollow vows people make
No depth behind the threat
So many words that no-one knows
Saying them for something to say
Nothing means anything anymore
What do they say when they’re true?
Secrets
So many lessons that need to be learnt
So many things still need to be said
So many secrets need to be kept
So many that we need to share.
There are things in this life
That we keep to ourselves
Because we are scared, oh so scared
That it might hurt the ones we love.
We lie to protect them
A contradictory act
So we put on a smile and say ‘it’s ok’
When inside we are crying, dying, lying.
So much has been said
So much left to say
So much we must learn
To save them the pain
We can’t tell them the truth
They wouldn’t understand
So we get caught up in the lies
We create to protect them.
Red
I’m crying crimson tears
Because you hurt me
My wounds are shedding
Droplets of red
The guilty tears of love
My body covered in scarlet silk
Where you killed me
I am moving
I am forever still
Haunted by a future alone
I’m rusty and creaky
Eroded by the pain of love
I never left you when you hurt me
My wounds would weep
Red for the rush
I bleed no more
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