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A Vinyl Night and Other Miseries


By

Stan Grimes


Smashwords Edition


* * * * *


Published by:

Stan Grimes on Smashwords


A Vinyl Night and Other Miseries:

Copyright © 2011 by Stan Grimes



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Table of Contents

Chapter One – Early 1980s

Chapter Two – Late 1980s

Chapter Three – Early 1990s

Chapter Four – Late 1990s

Chapter Five – Early 2000

Preface





Words fly off the trees behind our home, too many to count. Often when I sit on the back stoop I can hear them. They speak of love and the sublime process of dying. Not that dying is a constant companion of mine, but it hangs around more often than not. It’s not a friend, yet it’s not an enemy to fear. Death is just a fleeting thought from time to time occurring each of my days brief as they are. This book finds its genesis in salt from tears, sweat of passion, and the cold shoulders of detachment. Such feelings are not my constant companions. They visit me sometimes in the dead of night, early morning fog, and sometimes in the glorious sunny days.

Writing poetry for me is a cathartic experience as it is for many writers I’m sure. My words seldom rhyme and rarely is there a discernable beat or rhythm. They are simply thoughts penned to paper and never escape their paper prisons. I’ve often asked myself why publish such meanderings? There isn’t that much wisdom in my poems to set the world afire with renewed belief in humankind’s ability to think. The reason runs deeper than that. Within this small book is the proclamation of one man’s battle with growing old, fighting chronic depression, and winning and losing at love.

Fortunately after so many years of perceived desperation and nihilism, I found the love I desired so desperately. As for the other battles, I’m losing. I continue to grow old and I continue to suffer the depression which apparently has been embedded in my gene pool. Funny in a non funny way, since aging awkwardly I have not lost that spirit which insists on visiting me on the darkest of nights to fill my mind with words. But now I welcome this dark visitor with open arms to embrace its messages of inspiration.

Read my friends to your hearts’ delight and if you tire of this obvious misery toss my words away and perhaps they will fly to another’s doorstep begging to enter. Maybe, just maybe they will find a home in a dark lover’s bed where they will be resuscitated and nurtured into someone else’s dreams.

Chapter One

A Vinyl Night

You and I sat cold by the tent

you were stoned

I didn’t know

California nights

could be so bone cracking

we watched campers

moving in and out like ants

on a drop of sweetness

it was a vinyl gypsy night

as campfires curled snake smoke

against a carbon black sky.

The beach was stark empty

you needed friendship

I offered only silence

silence and a beer

you wanted neither.

We smiled as laughter

resiliently rolled from nearby tents,

love laughter, bare skin giggles.

No stars shined in a bleak darkness

just a gnawing void never leaving.

God I feel it again today.



The Modern Prophets



Somewhere in the depth of death

beneath breathing reeds

standing like candles snuffed

by fingers boney and blue

there is an incandescent white

where godlings go to grow

and amid earthling buzzards

they warn of Armageddon

It is soon they learn the pecking order

and the shame of being weak.



Moon

Acne covered moon
would a clean night
clear your face
or are the scars
indelible
like scars of rape
and loneliness?
I wonder
if you see the pebbles
in my soul?


A God


The old sage points his finger

towards a distant star

when asked from whence he came

and to where he goes

the cosmos awaits him

his dust, his magic,

his being is the Being

for he is a god of history

his future, his gnarled finger

his only compass.




Tree Brother

I whisper to you my brother

so no one else can hear

the stillness of my wonder

of you my giant oak

sitting proud and quiet

skyscraper of the cosmos

no one knows but me

it’s you who stands

still after death to shade

this sun baked life I’ve lived

no one knows but you

only death

can make a man a tree

a tree amid forests

of the universe.


Don Quixote

Standing sharply vertical

Don Quixote guards

my window-way with spear in hand

stern face alert

wood–carved and poised

to repel moonlight intruders.

Oblivious to my wonderings and cat scratches

etched carelessly on his battle dress

he waits for the candle’s flicker

and the city’s music from without

to begin his dance, a demon dance

against a shadowed curtain stage

with me sole audience.

He dances with his eyes

parts of his weathered lips

to whistle of his misery

echoing synonyms

to battles and scars

carved deeply within the man

sitting vacantly watching him.


Rat in a Trap


Rat in a trap

chew your leg

gnaw it free

don’t let giants

catch you, catch you

smaller than them

don’t let them see you

spraddled and scared

helpless to them

so chew, chew your ego

leave it behind

run to a hole

never a corner

die with hope of healing


die with hope of freedom.


Carousel

Those horses I rode
I was young
younger than today
were made of clay
ran in circles
to the music of my world.

Stallions of my mind
with nostrils flaring
invisible manes
clutched in my memory
riding high plains
of consciousness.

Thoroughbreds of thought
reaching for a gold ring
a child centrifuge
a smile for no mother
a wave for no father
the carousel goes round and round.



La Macabre

There is a melody

in my father’s ashes

high above the pines

a yellow bird sings

surely with his voice.



There is a beating

in my brother’s corpse

woodpecking in rhythmic time

drilling hollow maples

for he is one of them.



My uncle’s waves

are spidering the sands

ebbing their way

waxing and waning

back to his mother’s womb


and he is one of them.



I watch my hands

gathering scales

for a joyous day

when we shall join

in Nature’s nest

wind god bless them all.



Stillborn

Dull winter morning

sky is flaking and I

gray monk

rise from a fruitless meditation

to write,

write a confirmation

of yesterday, for today

is much the same

nothing’s changed

dog bite scars

have not healed

hollow wonderings

of death continue

to echo like voices

through a tarry tunnel.

This love is godawful

allegorically dead

dead, stone beautiful

but dead

like a stillborn child

whose placenta waits

to follow

making whole the death.

Chapter Two

Puddles


I tapped upon your eyes
they opened
spilling your truth
in splintered mirrors
naked now on the floor
splinters we’ve always tried
to step quietly across.


Losing the Song

Love's been hard
laboring in barren fields
sowing insecurity
wavering
from right to wrong
aint no kind of song.

Love's been tough
mountains of decisions
wavering indecisions
swimming in a sea of tears
sometimes drowning in the years.

Life's been hard
flying clouds of anger
stumbling deserts of desperation
searching for right
finding wrong
this aint no song.

Love's been hard
we've scars to show
stories to tell
we've been through hell
goodbyes too long
we've lost the song.


The Last Sin

I guess this is it
the storm abated
rain turns to a river
to bother someone else
doesn’t matter to me
my stool awaits
the loop fits perfectly
a sinner about to sin again
doesn’t matter to me
this is my last sin.


Cats and Dogs

I have no steel
blue-honed and deadly
in my soul
not taut and calloused
like a warrior should be.
I have bent standards
gun-riddled my heart
so many times Humpty Dumpty
would cry in puddles beneath me
worry about me
I think worry is what worry does.
Brush this fly away
watch it cling
like skittish blackberry jam
on a butter knife
caught in a web
some malicious spider's
been saving for a rainy day
I can hear
cats and dogs falling now.


Suicide




Slipped my shoes

off into the ocean I wade

standing at the foot of god

I asked forgiveness

clothes floating off

to Jamaica, Bermuda

Puerto Rico

my god left on a ship

to exotic kingdoms leaving

this somber slumbering mind

to all the doubts of living

I walk and stars disappear

beneath my salted eyes

death is only a quiet sleep

in the midst of an ocean

loud with desire



Our Day

Day ended its rule and fell

into the pitch of darkness

you and I my dear laughed

in candlelight

like a loving séance

we spoke of the dead

gone now and beautiful

in twilight pink

we wished them back

knowing stairs were in waiting

patiently for us.




This Process

Is this how it’s going to be

me in the kitchen listening

to the music only I love

trying to understand the wrinkles

forming above my brow?

If so then let me out.

This fruitless exercise

counting days to the grave

numbers dwindling each day

this somber task is getting me down

like a circus with only clowns.


Wind


Tell me the wind is more than wind

tell me God

is whispering life

into the world again

tell me the whistlings

are the oak trees warning

that God still lives

and breathing heavy

on man and woman,

and the wind chimes

His church's organ

plays preludes of hope

external hope for stillness

like funeral home quiet.



9th Street Cemetery


Chase and I walked

through the orchard of bones

chipped teeth and high grass

soldiers Civil War

1812 and the Big Ones

long forgotten

forgotten fear

weathered names

Smith, Gunn, Simpson

dead soldiers

no family remembers

not even in diaries

scrapbooks

or history books

talk to me of value

remembrance of war

humans

pain

and the American way.



Chimneys

Staring through my flat windows at dusk

chimneys oh so many

silhouetted staggered against a pink evening sky

brigades of fighting soldiers

lovers coupled in cold passion

stallions in a fading sun

black creatures, minions

I know with the rising sun

once again they are chimneys.




Licking Slumber

Desolate and barren
my desert mind
harvested only
by the reaper's hand.

I am no death puppet
for ladies in red
on the cusp of insanity
and reality

The muted fool is lost
somewhere in a twilight
illusions of joy
only fools enjoy.

A surrogate father
to a hidden angel
leaving a jester's mask
on her mother's spirit.

Death will not stay away
sweet taste of slumber
softly touching my tongue
licking me forever.


Over The Rainbow

Here I sit in a stew
like Buddha in feces
with sparrows
winging their way
from your half-parted lips
ill mannered birds
unaware of direction
unaware of windows
hanging on my nose
bleeding with each encounter
I am a scarecrow
soft bellied and dying
in the whiskey fields
scarred by the sickle
waiting for Dorothy
and death.



Autumn Lake


I sat on an old deserted pier

watching the lake in autumn

I watched leaves

shake hands and depart

in sweet farewell

bronzed and fragile

floating aimlessly to the mirror

lying in wait like a trolley

waits for faceless travelers to board.



All this was done in silence

without command without whistles

without guns without rhetoric

or threats and rumors of disgrace

Such is humanity.



Like Dogs


There is no doubt the old gray dog

visited the deep caverns of hunger

not wanting to be chastised by important humans

he held his head low and detached from the mean streets

as dogs sometimes do

old gray hid in orchards and thickets of prickly bush


isn’t it strange how we mimic sometimes

those so different than we, four legs

instead of two can run faster to ruin.



Chapter Three

Face in the Sand

Face in the sand water stay away

don’t think it’s safe

to love as much as I do

don’t want another face in the sand

water go away cold water

nipples in the snow

hard and cold

go away water oh no

your face washed away

I pray for a drought today.

Pages Pressed

How brief this visit,
this leaf amid a snowfall.
All those Februarys
cling to every side
of my mind like so many embryos
in Nature's womb.
How brief our stay
like beads of toiled sweat
evaporating
during a spring breeze,
easy yet you made it easier.
Easy only shortens life,
scented candles
light our tunnel
which leads from here to there.
I fear, there, is a forgotten February
a forgotten leaf
pressed between pages of me.


Touching the Devil

There are times we must touch the devil

it’s inborn you see

we worry about him

important you see

we must touch him

like touching

genitalia

fearing their absence

or their readiness

all hot and ready for us



Why is it we live precariously

loving our God

worrying mostly about a devil?

Ludicrous

this Supreme postulation

like walking on fire

with snowdrifts surrounding us.

We are so strange we humans.

I think my cat

is the devil.


Sweetheart



Nineteen sixty-four

an old fifty-six Chevy

my hand between your legs

your head between speckled stars

I never saw them

not the ones you loved.

You were beautiful to me

wild funny and carefree

exploring my mouth

mining for something we wanted

but didn’t know how.



I left in army khakis

never to see you again

a sad story I’ve not forgotten

today or tomorrow.

Did you die just as beautiful

as that night in nineteen sixty-four?

I’m sure you did sweetie

wish I could have said good-bye

hugged you one last time

and ask for forgiveness.



Reflection

Why is there ice in your eyes

watching me shiver?

Your love a grave

no tombstone

no epitaph

God knows I’ve lost my shovel.

Loose me

with rope hands

keep your eyes away from me

freeze another’s heart

not mine.

The lake where you live is deep

love me please

above my neck.

My reflection is you

scares me so

to see me

seeing you

seeing me with ice in your eyes.


Arm’s Length


We lived upon a hilltop

Coal mining country poor

We occupied those frozen nights

Arms’ length away

You and the whippoorwill

I listened to his call

Until my mind was numb and lost

Oblivious to your frozen feelings

I tried to count wheels of steel

Climbing rails nearby

Fell asleep by twenty-nine

My son asked why

I carried no answer but goodbye

There were no other answers

No miracles

Divinity was in the leaving

Cleaning my mind

Of the woman sleepin

An arm’s length away.


Graduation Summer



My mind the big screen

Of my past

I watched me

Watching you

Slumbering in my arms

Red hair satin soft

I watched us laugh

Driving fast on gravel roads

Kissing and so much more

Can I find that path

Back to those dark summer nights?

Will I laugh again

Winking with a certain smile

Touching so precious

We could barely breathe

Wrinkles caught

Forever in our mirrors

Golden years

More brass

Than gold.



Sweet Morning


After a morning drizzle
the sun bakes the soil
hard like tempered steel
I breathe deeply
Nature's sweet perfume.

My shadow is cast
friend wind lingers
for a moment
slipping softly
to a neighbor
I've never known.

Good earth beckons me
come lay upon my girth
meditate
tell me your sweetest dreams.

My life strides on
without notice
without fanfare
Just the soft morning drizzle



The Trip


Silver Train

winds in the wind

winding its way

up horse shoe mountains

full of faces

specks in my head

never washed from memory

no Cinderella’s

no kings or queens

just black umbrellas

deadpan faces

old polyester men

and clacking

constant clacking

final destination

heaven.



Christmas Alone in 1988



Virgin candles

stand slim and gulp

air for strength

I sit unimpressed

by red and green

chords of music

flowing like fingers

through my plastic Holly tree

lifeless on my kitchen table

Christmas oh Christmas

alone again.



The Hunt is On



In the cold November fall

unshaved corn fields

yield only bristles

for the virgin doe

and naked cobs

for cawing crows

will soon feel

the clodding boots

and hear rifle snaps

as hungry men

dressed orangely

fluorescent camouflage

oxymoronic clods

protecting themselves

from themselves.



Death in a Nursing Home



Shit on the sheets

an old woman stares

gray eyes like November

“no pampers needed thanks”

and a wilted daisy

blushes at sunset.



Four in the morning



is no time to be awake

but my bladder begged

I surrendered.



Looking out my window

an occasional car

no color just cars

in black and white.



I listen close for sounds

I hear my stomach

I hear pen against paper
I hear my breathing.



I wonder where you are

I imagine

and there you are

curled and lying

naked

with the darkness

hidden

between your legs

in a mist

created just for me

a mist for my defense.

Four in the Morning II



I watch you

as you discover

your nakedness

pulling a sheet across

your tempered nipples

rising dutifully

when touched by soft cotton.

I never knew until now

at four in the morning

in silence

that I knew you so well.



I smoke another cigarette,

two drags

and watch the rest of it

burn silently

wondering where the residue goes

I gaze at my curtains

they have yellowed.

Four in the morning

is no time to be awake

too quiet

too real

I pray to someone

you sleep alone.



I crush my cigarette

red digits

say four

two dots

forty-four.

I switch the light out

but you have awakened me

forever.



Regret





I can hear the gentle wind

across your tombstone granite

blowing lightly empty words

words you never spoke alive



blowing still, still so slight

are you wondering

are you echoing

what was never said to you?



Yet whisper does the wind

as it careens lightly off trees

whispering soft repentance

for words too often spoken



Now I walk away

breezes brush my back

away from your death

with words left, still unspoken.



On The Turnpike



Somewhere between St. Louis

and Amarillo

I lost a page of poetry

twelve lines of me

I imagine it now

frozen

to a trucker’s windshield.

He in turn mocking

words of winded despair

calling them niggling

diluting them to oblivion

with anti-freeze.



Who’s Next?



They come in threes

my mother always said of death.

They come in threes

We’ve had but two.

Who among us

will be next

to fill the family’s grave?

The empty tooth needs filled

and gold is precious.

She cries in fear of being first

on the reaper’s list.

Yet I see a spark

In those black button eyes,

satisfied and confident,

“two will be enough this year.



Misunderstanding



The young man lit another cigarette

staring sadly out his bedroom window.



He waited for a picture pretty girl.

she never showed.



Certain she said tonight my love.

Surely she said goodnight my love.



My Sparrow Head





All the clamor

sparrow heads slamming

against my sliding doors.

Surely someone’s dying

just around the corner.

The phone rings

in dead of night.

Blindly

I crack my head on a mirror

and see that it’s me.



The Darkest Hours of Depression



The pools still weeping wet

beneath dark vacant eyes

reflect life as a carpet

walked upon

frayed and worn

like the shirt hiding

his naked feelings.

See the fat man

living thin the fear

of growing old.

See him

egg white and broken.

You can buy him by the dozen

but you only pay for a the shell

the embryo is dead

stoned

blood red against a yellowed life.



Chapter Four

Finality



Four in the morning

birds are still sleep dead

the river still moves like silk

lamenting the cry

of eternal matched

mourning doves.



Five-thirty

first vein of light

reveals the nudity

of our village

I live here

sadly you too.



Six and I’ve decided

claustrophobic love

cannot exist

Seven

my oven hangs

its mouth with enticement.



Birth



A clot of oysters fell asleep

as the ocean stirred as oceans do

churning and swallowing

hungry for itself

looking inward for survival

that’s how it is you see

the ocean rises and lowers

and swallows life

the clot of oysters awaken

amid the ocean’s death knell

and cracked a pearl

the tide has changed at last.



Gutter Thoughts



Dried cake blended

with yesterday’s blood

just a child’s eyes brown

like buttons

staring up at me

tell me your story

the big hairy arm

shredding your dreams

beating your hopes

into a dark dusty hall



Tell me of dirty needles

on kitchen tables

cocaine mama

rubber band daddy

make your children

in your image

bending twigs

bending trees

acorns rotted

trees won’t grow.



in Brooklyn

Detroit

Sandusky

or city of angels

all muted voices

mouths of babes

closed in caskets

jailhouse daddy

rubber room mommy

pallbearers cry.



Time will forget

tomorrow

tricycles broken

baby dolls

scattered in needles

yesterday’s news

today’s new baby

button eyes

cake on mouth

broken jawed child.







Lost Friend



Thought I saw you

in my backyard

clothed in sharp thistle brush

your dark eyes peering

beneath fading fodder.

I looked again and caught

a breath of bitter

fall breeze scaring leaves away

from your olive skin

draping you I’m sure

it was you

the lingering scent

of ginger and nutmeg.

Surely God knows you are gone

but not the wind

or swaying child-trees

in my backyard.



Walls



Sometimes we stumble

often rumble

never humble

always mumble

we are people

God’s little steeples

so why cry

when we die?

Makes no sense

we are a fence

never hopped

never stopped.

We are the walls

where life stalls

for us all.



The Guess



Guess my weight and height carnival man.

“I’d say five foot eight and one-eighty-five.”

Good guess let’s try again.

“Aint nothing I can’t guess.”



Guess where I’m from and long to be?

“I’d say your mother’s womb to be the place.”

Good guess let’s try again

“Aint nothing I can’t guess.”



Where do I want and long to die?”

“Difficult but I’d say in a loved one’s arms.”

Perfect, now one last time.

“Aint nothing I can’t guess.



Tell me wise carny man what’s in my heart?

The man gulped air with wide-eyed surprise.

He pondered for several moments.

“Sir, I can only guess that you have one, nothing more.”



The Table



She set our table for five

it’s been that way for years

big pots boiling

February frosted windows

the table still set for five.



Thirty years we lived

bittersweet together

paid our dues to life it seems

cold becomes colder

the table still set for five.



The fireplace warms us

casting dancing shadows

across tired walls

her table sadly haunts me

with three plates left untouched.



The End



We lived on the side of a mountain

the mountain paid no attention

as we climbed to our shade tree

It was there we thought we could touch

glimmering city lights and crystal stars



It was beneath that very tree

I learned sadness ruled our lives

you didn’t care, nor did I.

Our self-made carnage,

the dissolving of our love.



One frigid winter night

my bag on my back

one bag for seventeen years

how can it be?

One bag full of trepidation



with two pair of jeans

six tee shirts and no hope

blustery and bitter

I walked into the night

you slept oblivious as I drove away.

What kind of love

dissolves itself like

silvery sugar?

You kept it all

and that’s okay.

I have forgotten now



the dog bites wounds have healed

scratches of your anger have disappeared

I have a new shade tree urging me to live

one year after another for everyday

now is a good day to die.



No Promise



I slipped quietly

into your promise

like a woman

slips into nylons

depleted of love

I drove

into the river of Styx

knowing your promise

is no promise.



Ode to Sylvia Plath



February nineteen-sixty-three

you dropped your life

like a screaming toddler

drops her rubber ball

down a darkened staircase

you, the dead cat bloated

making runways for greedy flies.

What was the purpose

in the blood red sun rising

giving ironic warmth

to an indifferent world?

You’re the nameless star

falling above shriveling pines

leaving an empty space

where once there was a universe.



The Morning After



The morning after

I cried for you

north wind swept

leaves away

from my yellowed windows.

I drank my coffee

and read a poem

a sad tale of love

only you could know.

I ate some chips

pushed you away.

The sun was hiding

so were you.

I caught a glimpse

of what I used to be,

took a shower

washing you away

making today

just another day.



One Hot Spoon



There you go again

in your swinging door life

more anger spilling through

the bars of your cage.

one hot teaspoon

fixed everything for you

damaged mind and soul.

Is it enough

the coming and going?

You know so much

the grave will enjoy

your brilliant cynicism

there’s more you know

daughters and cousins

mother and father

will carry your coffin

to the finality

caused by one last hot spoon





Pyres



I’ve scattered leaves of your death

trying to make this yard presentable

raking rubbish, tossing memories

into trash bags, set them out on Tuesdays

for the trash man but he never comes

those bags of memories are piling

into mounds like funeral pyres

for passers-by and voyeur

tourists of intimacy to see

the garbage and collections of my life.



Cat in a Tree



I saw you way up high

where wind whistles strong

on a branch alone

your green eyes peering down

as if you know

I am alone like you.

We were out of place

you and I

on such an autumn evening

won’t you come inside

to share some chocolate

and a bit of reverie?

The chill is wrong for the two of us,

two gentle souls

deserve better.



Driven



I have driven the high Sierras

in silence, in snow

falling like confetti

against high beams

I drove

through treacherous curves.

I was driven by passion

across the Mojave,

through the bearded fields

of Nebraska, the panhandle

of Texas, red clay of Oklahoma,

driven by my passion for you.



The Voyeur Moon



How obsessed this moon

bent so on exposing

the rawness of night

disrobing nightshirts

from each tree and shrub

searing holes through drawn drapes

such rude uncovering

of my nakedness

how pale this voyeur

searching keyholes

in every cloud

respecting none.

The silent rapist goes unscathed

until diced into a quarter

then sliced into new.



R and R

Two young soldiers passing

on a hot steamy Tokyo

street…stop

they stared in awe

smiled, old friends

buddies from school

two country boys living

the big boy’s life

lean and innocent

to bullets, frags, and bombs

I the one to stay behind

He went back to the jungle

I went back to healing minds.

They called it R and R

I called it purgatory.

Terry met hell

I met an empty space

black like a night

without stars

Terry’s dead

a part of me went with him.



Questions for My Cat



Do you feel the agony of losing children

grief as strangers rob them one by one

leaving you with breasts crying for hungry mouths?



Are you sad when I close the door behind me

leaving you with an empty nest with no one to touch?



Finally do you long for the warmth of another’s mouth

of another’s tongue to search you through and through?



Seems to me you and I have much to talk about

but I can only try to read your eyes, mute

emeralds which only reveal your hunger

If only you could speak to me

and help me lick these open wounds which never heal.



Without A Hand



Vacation’s over

slowly sinking into this ocean

another trip into the hardship store

makes me cry

just cry without a hand on my back

no rhyme no reason

but isn’t that how it works?

No one knows, I never tell

I just watch the family oven,

watch it beckon with black knob eyes

oven mouth at the ready



Brief Peace of Mind



Sweet solitude surrounds me

a drama portrayed by silence

coupled with a spring breeze

an overture of my being.



A soft kiss of peace

rests lightly on my brow

only to vanish from my thoughts

hastily into harsh reality.



Last Call



I have danced the bar room scene

disenchanted skeletons

swaying on a liquid floor

with eyes pasted

in their sockets, vacant

no one home but a fuzzy navel

or volumes of ultra light.

Piss breaks to cool off

the dying libido

no one smells the urine

shit or vomit.

So skeletons dance tonight

into tomorrow and last call.

I’ve been there too often.

Looking into the mirror

I see an empty skull

staring back at me.



Mirrored



I woke up in the mirror

peering out at someone

wearing my clothes

wearing my life falsely.

I spoke

their lips moved

they smiled

I died

they merely slept.



Leaves



They’re all leaving town

one by one

soaring by my window

smiling

as though dying is happy.

They depart in a noise

some in silence

others in curling smoke

through narrow city streets.

They’re hell-bent,

they are

to be somewhere in a hurry

in a scurry.

Leaves are too much like people.



You Silence Me



Rain you silence me

touching places

no one else can touch.

You silence me

in shadows

in fissures

where flowers bloomed,

but now

silent syllables fall

in hyphens of rain

like postcards

from the sky

soaking me cold.

Rain you silence me.



Night Ride



Windless night greet me

old friend like friends should

smile before going

into a world without hope

or mutterings of daylight

you the blackest of stallions

galloping through my dreams

boldly running through washes

long forgotten

old memories return riding

roughshod for daylight

your wicked grin chagrins

even the pinkest streaks

of twilight.



Chalkboard



Sunday morning sits outside

like some kind of gray monk

in meditation, quiet,

unassuming but I am here

squatted and listening

to Joe Cocker reruns trying

to muster emotions from his era

thinking only of erasures

on my mental chalkboard

I see only

a smearing of dust showing

part of the “l” and half of a “y”

in lonely.



Deranged



Deranged?

I’m not sure

is dirt deranged

for wanting rain

for parting its dry lips

and cracking its teeth

in ugly protest?



Deranged

is hung sanity

severed arteries

death camps

decomposed and quiet

amid the greenery

of Auschwitz.



Deranged?

Maybe derailed.



Stood Up



The fat man lit another cigarette

staring sadly out his window



He waited for a woman

pretty as a picture, she never came.



Thinking with certainty

she said tonight my love

but surely she said

goodnight my love.



Well Half Empty



I live in a well

my cries for help

bounce off cobbled walls

falling in splash

to be wiped from my eyes.



Five years old

this rope between us

frayed and stretched

has yet to carry

a bucket full of hope

to taste.



Each day the well becomes drier

each drought you send this way

each time I cry for help

you pull the rope away

sometimes with bucket half empty

seldom half full.



Between Us



The carpet between us

seems a mile

red speckles scoff

you lay fluid

I lay still and wonder

if minutes can turn this year around

you offer me

less than your tongue

I close my eyes

and feel knifed by it all

candles flicker

in a breeze of life’s orgasm.



Hot Night in the Neighborhood



She did that purry cat walk into the nightclub

alone and ready for what dear god knows what

to say everyone sat muted for more than a moment

would be more than likely a lie.

Her breasts pushed up and high

just a touch of pink showing for the boys

proud in their blue jeans tight and swinging

Zack sat with a wad of chew in the back

near the sweaty girls waiting for a twitch

ah but the blues never sounded better

than on a hot thunder midnight.

Perry played the piccolo to some steamin’

lyrics coming from Jake’s bluesy mouth watering

like a gardener’s lips in a baking yard. Perry’s

piccolo fell from his lips as the new girl rolled

in like an Alabama summer storm.

She was the little girl next door dancing on the floor

snake venom lilt with a southern tilt out of her coil

into the oil. Black summer nights change everything.

It was a hot night at the Neighborhood.



Judgment Day

Take me lead black night

you forgetful jackal

laughing without humor

laughing at me.



Take me hole-less tunnel of night

make me yours

turn your lipless mouth

inside out.



I claw each day away

bite each living moment

on its ass until I feel good

about the blood of existence.



Pile stones high upon my sleep

cast muted roses on my eyeless

face waiting in darkness

sweet forever darkness.



My soured repose

awaits the final critic

to remove my wallet

and my keys.



My Healing Rain





My need to watch the rain

to watch it fall in syllables

to many for poetry

outweighs my need to breathe

the brackish air of city nights

endless nights of witches’ tales.



It is my need to watch this rain

hanging my life each day on threads

suspending me like a spider

above the uncertainty of death

evoking me to greater heights

orgasms of a mental kind.



Rain the fluid poultice which draws

on festered boils of memory

healing the acne of my history

rain cascading down my darkened window

seals me in this womb of warmth

where I will stay and wait

for freedom and yet another rain.



Dead Dogs on the Highway



Asphalt cemeteries

catacombs beneath wheels

of trucks, sixteen wheelin’ mamas

a curiosity of colored death

blacks, reds, a rain

of shrapnel spread

across a concrete canvas.

Each one his own death

for most

a silent surprise

like unexpected snow

on a cold October night.

No pilgrimage of mourners

to help them into heaven.

Just county trucks and shovels,

two workers drunk as hell

eight bucks an hour

and stomachs like black iron kettles.

Let’s keep our graveyards clean

death is such a dirty business.



Dreams of Youth



Sugar dreams softly serenade

my mind with all I once desired

in my torrid youth.

Now the gray bearded

reality forces me to think

I am but a hologram

an empty reminder of childhood.

I stand amazed and frozen

with my loss of blue blankets

crib toys and a mother’s touch.

And so the story goes

dark knights and white stallions

are simply a freshly fallen snow

cast upon my funeral pyre.



Sad Lady

Sad lady with a teddy bear

clutched tight against your breasts

where are you traveling

after midnight on a night like this?



Glowing cigarettes rush by

in cars you ignore

I wonder who you are

and who you were.



Did someone break your heart

to cause such vacant staring

those lifeless eyes like stars

reflecting only headlights

and the big city glow?



The same big city

I have driven through

so many painful times

always picking up

always dropping off

people I have loved

so dearly sad lady

if only I had a teddy bear.



Coastal Heartbreak



We drove Highway One up the coast

no destination in our minds

radio played static-filled love

it’s a lonely feeling not knowing

where to go, not knowing.



Not much in our pockets

except holes and lost dreams.

Not much in our trunk

a flat pancake spare

and a suitcase full of air.



This love, broke and coughing

climbed across the great Sierras

stuttering in contempt of such a trip

where does it go from here?

Tomorrow always the answer.



You’re Gone



I have watched a blood sun

lower herself into the ocean

like a lustful woman

climbing carefully

into a fragrant bath.

Awaiting sounds of hissing steam

I hear only the thunderous clamor

of your absence.



Time Kills



We kiss the cross

which killed the Christ.

We kiss the gun

which killed the Czar.

We kiss the pill

Hitler swallowed.

We kiss the gas

in darkened chambers,

but we never kiss the clock.



Earth Calling 9-1-1



Today is in a coma

breathing life but showing none

perhaps some kind of catatonia

a memory lapse for the sun

forgetting to blink through the trees above

find the wires and tubes

Dr. God must resuscitate this earth

I fear its spinning will slow to death

and all aboard will fall

into a black hole of cynicism.



Aluminum



A curious sight indeed

old man hobbling

unshaved and dressed

as nineteen fifty-five

glad bag and silver cans

every stop a nickel

everyday a dollar

good days three dollars

sleeping every night

sixty-two Galaxy

and an army blanket

graduated nineteen sixty-three

never could spell aluminum

alu-nuh-mum

aloo-muh-numb

aloo-men-uhm.



Choice



You have dared to cup

a sparrow in your palms

to help it live

or help it die?

A choice for the nature of you

a choice which drizzles

in your eyes, in your voice

quivering

such uncertainty

like the quivering

of your sparrow heart

beating inside

innocent and trapped

waiting

for your hands to speak

with syllables of your conscience.



Catch Up



You want to catch up

on my poetry you say

as you dress and leave

your scent upon my pillows,

static pressure upon the hairs

of my naked chest

your wind follows faithfully

down the stairway to an awaiting street

I watched it all and wondered

if you’ll ever catch up.



Universal Loss



I spotted you

you spotted

gave birth

to our last born

whose name I plucked

from the cosmos

like eyebrows from Buddha,

but he left town

so did you.



Heroes



A child but crumples

a fallen leaf

and calls it conquered

he plucks the innocent

of daisies and names it

love or not.

Ah but youth is spent

this way and that

narcissistic heroes

never fall

but autumn finds

our wrinkles reading

the hero’s name in bronze

and love more times

than not, is not.



Slinging Rivets for Freedom



Lady with your torch burning dimly

was it the huddled masses

made you bleed dark

insignificant masses huddled

in back alleys and crusted warehouses?

Was it the dirty streets of Wall Street

making you cry into a corrupted bay of hypocrisy?



Of course your muted answer

manifested in tears and fears

of builders long dead, dead and proud.

White boys with lunch boxes

grinning tom cats living in a row

unaware of the irony wrought.



Did the Black boys carry your rivets

wheelbarrows and smashed mouths?

Maybe the brown haired poets

maybe the native man with strong prayers

made you what you are today

a teaming mass of white shirts.



Neckties made to order, silk

with matching kerchiefs

time has exposed calloused hearts

monetary beating of brains

forgotten daddies

slinging the spit and rivets of democracy.



Assateague



Flying kites was easy

on Assateague

breezes never failed

to lift the paper wings

where we wish we could fly

alone thinking birds

I always wanted to let go

set it free

I didn’t

I was in control

Sometimes I let you hold the string

after all

you were only seven

I was your father after all

shouldn’t I be the one to decide?



Father’s Day



Gray crane in the mirror

the years have been sad

spider wings above your eyes

sun channels on your cheeks

time caught you undressed

for the final dance

the final song wind chime haunting

will touch the ailing heart

and carry your river home

beneath the northern star.



A Generation



Young heads bowing for the elders

in a world without elders

never tasting dirt or winds of war

never bloodied asphalt noses

or found themselves trapped

between manmade generations.

Some say they are future heads of state

some tongues slather demise from lips

never touching bayonet steel

napalm unfamiliar to their smell.

I say mutterings are in vain

for what we have we have

the future is blind and muted

just let go and come back to bed

our tomorrow soon will be our freedom.



A Letter From Prison

Chicken scratch letter to dad came today

you’re in prison from somebody else’s mistake

I can send a letter and money if I choose

Guilt never felt this bad since the last time.



Prison is a place for thieves, shooters, and dictators

which are you my son?

Did you pull a trigger? Which vein did you shoot?

Was it a spoon full, nose full, or drowning lungs?



No answer for fathers and mothers just anticipation

of money orders and support until you open the final gate.

Freedom is opportunity

Freedom is a small cage for you



Remember what Max said about cages

some small, some large, some infinitesimal

handcuffs with feathers for a bird

unable to fly, wings clipped and no guilt.



Unwanted



The old man slept

through the jangling

unsettling.

Abandonment

gnawed his dreams

after each swallow of wine

pissed into the world.

He sleeps

the barn tremors its disgust

for his trespassing

for the rudeness of the man.

He sleeps curled into a fetus

swimming, drowning

his dreams of bouncing balls,

catcher mitts and words

godawful words.

Batwing whispers reach

through his liquored fuddle

long enough to bid

him farewell.

The barn settles once again

glad to be rid of the stranger

no one knew.



The Mountain of You



Mountain laurel spread itself before me

as I climbed in search of my tracks

which followed me two days before.

It seems I’ve lost days between the mountain top

and me. You have cast such shadows to impose

a mountain every day I breathe.

Each day shallow whimperings grow weaker.

Their soundings tossed through chambers yet explored.

The mountain looms much higher each day I grope

foothills in search of all those tracks which followed me.



Dreams of Youth



Sugar dreams softly serenade

my mind with all I once desired

in my torrid youth.

Now the gray bearded

reality forces me to think

I am but a hologram

an empty reminder of childhood.

I stand amazed and frozen

with my loss of blue blankets

crib toys and a mother’s touch.

And so the story goes

dark knights and white stallions

are simply a freshly fallen snow

cast upon my funeral pyre.



Lost Friend

Thought I saw you

in my backyard

clothed in sharp thistle brush

your dark eyes peering

beneath fading fodder.

I looked again and caught

a breath of bitter

fall breeze scaring leaves away

from your olive skin

draping you I’m sure

it was you

the lingering scent

of ginger and nutmeg.

Surely God knows you are gone

but not the wind

or swaying child-trees

in my backyard.



A Moment



This is a place and time for me

a place holding deep sanctity

a bucket catching whispers

as they fall lightly and randomly

droppings of memories

I just dream of them

in snowflake thoughts and stillness

such is this place in time

a place called soul

a place called me.



Global Tears



A speck of sand can blind a generation of lovers

eyes tearing with irritation and no direction

they are a compass without a needle

true north can never be found but for one speck

in watery eyes and an ocean of ignorance.



Jesus Came and Left



If I could tell a story to you

not one of sadness

but of joy and jubilation

Jesus has been here and left

two days later back in sixty-four

saw him on a bus headin’ for Louisville

said he was a soldier

I couldn’t look him in the eyes

cause his head was missing in action.



Octogenarian Dream



I had a dream last night

Octogenarian nightmare

young ladies dressed

In white saying

“Welcome to Happy Hollow

Nursing Home.”

They wheeled me into a room

diapering me with smiling faces

feeding me blended carrots

just a touch of spinach thanks.

“Where do you want your funeral?”

“Can we use your rectum

as a launching pad?”

“Such fun we could have.”

“Can we dehumanize you

old man at our whim?’

I woke up in a cold sweat

with a polyester blanket wrapped

around my wrinkled neck.



The Decision



Take a peek

she said smiling

I peeked I saw

a small yellow butterfly

fluttering against

its small fingered cage

Can I keep it?

she asked

I asked

how beautiful

will the world be tomorrow



The Edge of Dying



I fell into a silhouetted sleep

alone with tubes

catching my life

between two worlds

angels touched my arms

and whispered numbers



My dreams were ethereal

filled with flying silk.

Masked faces whispering

numbers exponentially

“Can you see the angels?”

Someone softly questioned.

I sadly said, “no.”



The low humming

of oxygen

and more silhouetted

softness stood next to me.

I knew the sweet smell.

It was you.



Angel

please take me home

that’s where I belong

sleeping next to you

into whatever eternities

await. Flightless

I shall pass and not return.



My End



There it is again

that sound,

that sound

in still darkness.

That sound

down deep

in cleavages

of thought,

that sound

like a well

finding bottom.

That sound is me

eating my heart

swallowing

its pulse

forever.



Life in a Freeze Frame



Silence a freeze frame

a microdot traveling

the speed of quiet

towards the vacuum

surrounding my space,

the final frontier

of living

of dying

of being.



Still a Boy



Folks urged me

join the service

become a man

I joined

became a boy

with uniform

still a boy

no time for fighting

just beer

and girls

pretty girls.



Shine your shoes

spit polish

I didn't

shave your head

look sharp

I didn't

no time for fighting

just beer

and girls

pretty girls.



I was still a boy

with uniform

and dreams of home

dreams of clouds

cornfields and beans

fight and kill

I didn't

no time

no desire

just dreams

I was still a boy.



Get married

I did

still a boy

still dreaming

be a writer

I didn't

raise kids

I couldn't

I was still a boy.





Grow old

I did

still dreaming

grow wrinkles

get fat

I did

drink beer

be a boss man

I did

still dreaming

after all

still a boy.



Prepare to die

I did

leave a legacy

can't

none to leave

dream of boy

in uniform

dream of cornfields

white clouds

write a poem

I did

I'm still a boy.



The Hereafter



Slack jawed death

blank eyes staring

at a new zone

no one else can see

beautiful bible death

just words

and nothing more.



Syllables of Age



In the silence of my room

I listen to the sounds of my life

syllables of a literary graveyard

for nothing is said

never said before

just jumbled differently



Life is like that you know

on any given day

we are somewhere

over the rainbow

next

we are somewhere over our heads.



In my youth I’ve tried to kill

subconsciously

my body and its need to live.

in age the haunting

starts

and the dying begins.



There is no turning back

you know

the boot heels of reality

knock down doors

of naiveté

and the butterfly hides

but not forever.



Forever is left for youth

bruises disappear when young

but stay as skin folds

into its new cocoon

on the first floor

where nurses can watch more closely.



Everyone has a Dream



Every road ends somewhere

every ocean has a bottom

every flower has a scent

and every mind has a dream.



The paths we share

sometimes lead us

to our home or more

and every mind has a dream.



There are cowboys

custom made for a saddle

riding trails to nowhere

and every mind has a dream.



You carry a guitar

singing love songs

by memory and soul

sing one last one for me

because every mind has a dream.



Cherokee



A trace of Cherokee blood

courses beneath my white skin

drawing me to trees,

the moon,

dark rivers

and moaning coyotes.



I am steel

the earth is magnet

I run from the white man

yet my hands are white

black from dirt

still I’m drawn to Mother Earth.



It is the blood

the wedding chants

the eagle’s feather

the barefoot need

to feel wet grass

to white hands catching fish.



A secret blood

no one knows

it’s mine

I give it to you

now you can dance

to the tune of a warrior.



A Faint Sound of Creation



Beyond the apple orchard

pregnant for harvest.

Beyond the small creek

with crawdads crawling

Beyond the shack where

Miss Black once lived

and died

a nature of things

I guess.

Beyond all the bustle

where dogs shuffle

and streetcars whine

Beyond my mind

I hear a mourning dove

mourning for his Maker

Beyond man children

with crayons and pickup sticks

I feel a faint heartbeat

of our creation.

Can you feel it too?



Attic Treasures



There are chambers in my attic

where toys are stored

books too complicated to remember

scattered from winds of change.



There are chambers too, hiding

faded roses from my life

in boxes dust sealed

Pandora will never open.



In a certain quiet chamber

where cherished memories wait

I spend time sifting

your yellow salted words.



Certain chambers in my mind

hold thoughts vaulted

and veiled not even I recall

my dreams insist it’s true.

Canine Discontent



A dog stood silently staring

contempt for his loss

laying in the road

technicolor and flat

mane unkempt and bloody

incomprehensibly he barked

at the vulgarity of life.



Cans



The park bench held two men of time

Sam a butcher and I

carted our cans across town

sweated and smelled as old men

in the staleness of dusk we knelt

to handle and count nickels and dimes

“Too few quarters” says I

Sam only counted and wept

“I don’t understand” says I

Too late

Sam was asleep in the snow

fast asleep



The park bench held an old man of time

toting his cans across town

pissing his pants without shame

smelling as old men do

if they have no shame left to lose

He handled and counted nickels and dimes

“Too few quarters” says he

stopping to stare at the snow

“Too few quarters in deed”

He fell to his knees and wept

fast to his knees and wept

and the snow laughed him to sleep.



Lost Battleground



Today the cornfields hide a battlefield

where once I played

chasing snakes and arrowheads

not many know its whereabouts

nor think about it much

when ten and chasing frogs

ghosts were there I swear

telling me of blood the white men shed

brown bodies rotting sweetly in summer heat

since then farmers’ plows have heaved

history beneath steel discs into fertile ground

yellowed starching leaves of corn

are the only soldiers left standing

yet even they must bow with time

and weight of winter snows.

Except for wind and river sounds

the battlefield lies still today

those ghosts still there

I heard them when I was ten

and chasing snakes and arrowheads.





Kenny



The distance between us

seems shorter now

those quiet moments

briefly stated now.

You are a friend

I know now

you are my son

I know now

cold gusty wind knows now

it blows much gentler.

We’ve carved a father and son

forever.

How was he we forgot

what some have never known?



Bittersweet Memories



Sweet bitterness hangs on my tongue

a swinging arm memory of my past

changes with every gust of time’s wind.

It hurts to search for good memories

my mind’s changed little one and isn’t it a shame

time is like a self cleansing ocean

the tsunami of each wave undulates my history

scattering it randomly and drops it up current

or whimsically brings it back to where it lay.

I lift this Conch shell mind towards the stars

and maybe I hear God without remembering

only sweet irony, bittersweet irony



Pictures from the Past



Crumpled and wearing

hummingbird expressions

across their faces

no horror no shock

just blank shallowness

only death can give.



Ovens cooked them

bleached them away

leaving only nakedness prey

to self righteous maggots

and voyeurs

clicking one frame at a time.



What say you to that

what whisper have you

for those so chosen

to lay entangled in tombs

bulldozed and scraped

into eternal ditches of hell?



Wonderment



You lay there quietly

half smiling

a gray monk morning

catching you beautiful

pristine

I shiver and cover

our nakedness

wondering in dead stillness

if you know I am here.



Looking Forward



It’s time to find hidden rainbows in my heart

new paths to walk upright

without stained shadows following me.



It’s time to catch a summer breeze

to lift my spirits high

rise above dark clouds holding my heart in doubt.



It’s time to walk on water, not drowning in tears

it’s time to look into a mirror

and find what’s left of me.



God and I



After a morning drizzle

sun baking soil hard

I breathe deeply

sweet nature’s perfume.



The sun casts my shadows

wind gusts lightly lingering

just a moment and visits

a neighbor I’ve never known.



Good earth beckons me

to lay upon its warmth

meditate and dream

my sweetest thoughts.



My life takes strides

no one else can know

just God and I

and a soft morning drizzle.





A Child Watching



Ships in a blue sky

warriors with white masts

floating away

on an endless sea

in triumph heading boldly

to another land, another battle,

another victory

for gallant rudderless frigates

to pen this moment of beauty

is an isolation left only to

poets and philosophers.





Wings of Paper



Our love is like wings of paper

gliding in gusts of wind

teasing the midday sun.



Our love has legs of clay

as it walks through life

daring the mighty rain clouds



Most of all our love is made of passion

as we touch throughout the night

scoffing the critics of our fate.



Homer Grady



God’s voice came straightway

out of heaven above

and spoke to Homer Grady

Homer spoke not a word to anyone

exactly what the Big Guy told him

no one paid no mind to him anyway

he was just the town drunk

who heard God on occasion

folly most said and passed it by

ceptin’ when he disappeared

with nothin’ but his Gideon

red letter edition and a bottle of wine.

Hell, he was just a town drunk

imagine Homer talkin’ for sure with God

no one paid no mind to him, or did they?

Chapter Five

The Mirror of Poverty



Little man in a raincoat

marching with the city

in a sea of endless eyes

probing your appearance.



Little man without a friend

with crutches of your own

cardboard for your harbor

take the subway to the sky.



Little man in those trenches

broken man in the sewer

stripped of sanctity

for everyone to see.



Little man can you see me

in the shadows of your soul?

It could be I am you

looking in a mirror at me.



It’s All Gone Sweetie



The egg’s been cracked chick

you’ve left the yolk of our life

on pages of your goodbye letter

what am I to do?



Did you imagine life without me

before smashing our nest?

Did you think about tomorrow

and what I would do without you?



Twenty years in the making

twenty days in the breaking

you’ve forgotten those in between years

lean years sometime mean years



The egg’s been smashed

your suitcases like shells in an omelet

sitting in the foyer like statues

of empty morning plates.



Memory of Gorky



I dreamed of Gorky Park

standing next to Moskva River

just two friends holding tightly

hands of age and our love of Moscow

in a clinging snowfall

makes me wonder if anyone

can love you more than I.

It was a dream, just a dream

clenching memories never

loosening our love

some day we will meet again

on a snow covered Red Square

I do hope we will remember

that day at Gorky Park.



Starkness



Traffic on Market splashed through the downpour

windshield wipers moving in concert

like a well rehearsed ensemble.

Chase and his floppy ears snuggled next to me

lights out and a cigarette red star in a night

glowed bright with each slight night movement.

Where is the fantasy on a night like this?

Spartan honesty never seemed so real than now.

You’re absence like an empty cup of coffee

with only bitterness in wasted grounds.



Money



Born 1946 the Big One was over

1950s playing with Lincoln logs

Korea was playing cymbals of hate

1960s prom night and passion

Vietnam hot and sweaty reared its head

Jungles beckoned my youth, my dreams

dashed by a steel military helmet

black boots climbed hills in Kentucky

youth stolen by the vulgarity of war

Now a million stars ago I sit in my recliner

watching a sad lady torched and crying.

America never failed me

not even in my darkest hours of growing old

I guess man doesn’t change

money lives on eternally,

true heaven writes a bitter epitaph

for the man with jingling pockets.





The End












































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