AND ON THE EIGHTH DAY
[Special Edition]
German Alcala
Published by German Alcala at Smashwords
Copyright 2011 German Alcala
Intro - The Manifesto of Alcala
PART 1: WHEN THE WORLD WAS YOUNG AND NAIVE
Poem 4 - Dear Written Word, I’m Yours
Poem 7 - Disaster, Dust, and Dignity
PART 3: IF I SHOULD TALK AGAIN
Poem 26 - We Need To Rehabilitate
Poem 31 - The Edge of the Ocean
Poem 32 - Star Crossed Hormones
Poem 33 - Finally Forgot Your Love
Poem 38 - I Want You to Be My Future Husband
PART 4: AFTER THE NIGHT A SUN ROSE
Poem 49 - In For A Penny In For A Pound
The
Manifesto of Alcala
Formerly Known As
The Manifesto of G.A.G.A
This
is the manifesto of Alcala
In the mind of a slowly deranged
poet
G.A.G.A was born
German Alcala, a talented yet fragile
being
He lived within the body of another
German Alcala, a
beauty of night and crime
But the two minds were not two
beings
They were slowly coming together as one
As the Notorious
Criminal shot farther out
The Fragile Talent quietly lurked back
away
And the criminal became fragile from inside
It was then
clear that they would prosper
And thus began the power of two
beings
Arms of strong evil wrapped around the delicate talent
As
they flew high into the night sky in one body
They beard ambition,
pure power, and boundless talent
However, as they flew higher into
the dark
They found the source of all the darkness there
It was
the hands of reason holding down the two beings
The darkness
seeped into the one body’s mind
And it cried out in anger as the
two beings separated
As the madness overcame the terrible
darkness
A glint of light in the shadows appeared to help them
The
two beings now safe only feared of higher darkness
“How would we
stay the same with coming shadows?”
PART
1
WHEN THE WORLD WAS
YOUNG AND NAÏVE
1
[The
Eighth Day]
Bursts
of light go off in God’s mind
God opens the eyes of God
God
sees and knows all things of time
Space and Insanity are his
specialties
A curiosity is building inside of the heart
A
thousand emotions rushing and everything
Everything you love
begins in this moment:
The light bursts out of the dark
night
Vapor turns from smoke into water
Rock was revealed after
a watery tide
The sun and the stars shine brightly
The sky and
seas began to come alive
God decided to rest after creating it
But
what happened on the next day?
I had a vision, let me tell you
It
is a story of sadness and fear…
The
Earth was singing loud in pain during that day:
Money and greed
will come. Throw it away like trash
This is the eighth day. A day
on which I will be rash
Oh, my ex-lover, you’re going to regret
hurting me
The eighth day is a day on which I will have no mercy
On
the seventh day God decided to rest
And on the eighth day life
became wild
The monsters in the sea began to stir
Finally
monsters named themselves Homo sapiens
Don’t underestimate these
weak creatures
The eighth day saw the sun rise and fall
Over a
world teeming with pure poison
It was the true beginning to the
disaster
And on the eighth day nobody then knew:
The world had
been created at very last
Things would fall apart surprisingly
fast
Soon Adam and Eve would have sex
Humans would populate the
Earth soon
Don’t underestimate what they will do
On the
eighth day began all the madness
It was the start of all love and
of all hatred
Sorrow
and death will come. Move on with joy
This is the eighth day. A
day on which I will be a boy
Oh, my sister, you’re going to be
real proud of me
The eighth day is a day on which I will have no
mercy
It
was the true beginning on the eighth day
For God was at rest with
his own conscious
Whilst the winds stirred back and forth in
turmoil
And the creatures, monsters, and birds all felt
The
world before them so green and so fresh
Would not last long with
nothing but peace
They wished it so, but it was not to really
last
On the eighth day the muses began to sing in the background
A
million creatures screeching the words of love and hatred
God
himself in the clouds fighting against the sounds of hate
He could
have killed them all, but he was too lazy to do so
They yelled and
screeched in despair and depression as muses
The muses sang in the
background with burning pride
“You created the world for us, but
it will be gone soon!”
“We could live long and happily if it
were your will!”
“What is wrong with you to taunt us with a
new world?”
The new world was bright and shining
Green and
beautiful in all of its innocence
But naivety is a lie and a
betrayal of history
The truth is that life was ashamed to
predict
They all knew that this world would not last
The muses
sang visions from their minds eyes
Of pollution, of extinction, of
death, and loss
Their world was beautiful, and amazing
Their
world was only temporary for it was good
Now no matter how hard
you try to imagine
You will never see the green leaves and blue
sky
The world was born on the eighth day
Hatred
and tears will come. Come back with strength
This is the eighth
day. A day on which I will go the length
Oh, my parents, you’re
going to regret spawning me
The eighth day is a day on which I
will have no mercy
It
was the eighth day after all of the creation
But do not mistake it
for the end of a grand fight
For what followed was a true struggle
for Earth
The stars and the sky knew that they would soon
Be
gazing upon a forsaken world after that one day
The wars would
destroy everything to do with it
The humans would happily ravish
at its very core
Do not mistake the eighth day as any victory
The
world was made of gold, made of crystal water
The world would soon
be hollow and used all up
Humanity itself was ready to tear away
at it
Twenty one years would pass without a dent on history
But
should the creatures of world live longer
The world would know all
of sorrow and darkness
It could have been so great, it could have
been
A world a true world so green and beautiful
We had the
crystal clear geysers at our disposal
We had the green tall trees
all surrounding us
Cancer
and suicide will come. Don’t be sad too long
This is the eighth
day. A day on which I will be strong
Oh, my friend, from heaven
you’re going to applaud me
The eighth day is a day on which I
will have no mercy
The
muses singing “Oh, God above we don’t deserve
To be given
something and have it taken away like this
We could have this
world as our own for all eternity”.
Still they all felt the
despair filling them inside
Sorrow would riddle the world after
all the days
And day the world would see an exploding sun
“Do
you have no heart? What is wrong with you?
Why the horrid will to
give us pure misery?
Why create humans? Of all things to
doom!
Why would you do this to us after the eighth day?”
The
world was bent for greatness and strength
The world was ready to
take anything possible
But decided to curse the world in this
way
With death and despair to detain it from it all
The story
of the world was filling with death
It was filling with rage,
sadness, and lust
The world was made on that eighth day
It saw
in its future amazing greatness of it
But Heaven forbid that
happiness should reign
It was God that chose, to curse the world
away
So the muses continue to sing in absolute shame
Turning
the tides up and frothing with sadness
“Calling to all life, we
could have been great.
But “No” so said God”
The waves
crashed upon rocks all life wept
The animals sat under wilting
trees to cry
Homo sapiens felt such shame to know it all
The
muses sang to the wind and to God too
“As time will pass the
world will fall away”
Redemption
will come. Don’t get too comfortable
This is the eighth day. A
day on which I will be vulnerable
Oh, my hero, you’re going to
regret teasing me
The eighth day is a day on which I will have no
mercy
Along
the world everybody could feel a noose
Along the wilderness the
tress all turned brown
The waters churned
The fishes began to
boil with anger
The animals became so angry
That they fought
and vowed to eat
They could have eaten fruit
But now in
absolute rage inside them
They ate each other and fought with
rage
Whilst others filled with sadness and cried
All sanity was
lost and anarchy ensued
The birds squawked with sadness
And the
waves beat into the cliffs
They gave the muses their beat of
strength
“As time will pass… so will beauty
Calling out to
all the creatures of life
Everything is lost. We’ll miss it
all”
The muses yelled and sang in sadness
“Our hearts in
pain it will all collapse
After the eighth day it will all
fade
We’re going to miss all of it
Calling out to all the
creatures who survive
After the eighth day and see it all fall
To
the waves who will help it turn around
To the winds who will help
it all fall down
To the land which will be abused by blood!
The
world will fall apart after the eighth day”
Regret
and blood will come. Don’t think badly of it
This is the eighth
day. A day on which I will hit
Oh, my reader, you’re going to
love reading me
The eighth day is a day on which I will have no
mercy
See:
on the eighth day things truly began
I tell you because I was
there watching it all
On the eighth day the invention of fear
came
And invention of love, hatred, and betrayal
For God had
betrayed everything he had made
Poor stupid creatures hated God
for it
For they loved the world that was present
But it would
not last long after the eighth day
Despair and depression were on
the horizon
Incest was forced upon them all
Betrayal and murder
was soon to attack
Nature was going to make a fool out of them
On
the eighth day the fear overtook the world
God kept his head in
clouds not listening at all
On the eighth day, I have seen it, it
was then
Not that it is now, but it surely happened then
On the
eighth day, hold it true, it all happened
Life and abundance was
beautiful but not long
We have no idea of what beauty they all
saw
How angry they were to know we would not
Out of darkness
came the power of light and life
Finally everybody knew to treat
the world well
It was not going to last long, but their anger was
gone
Instead it was replaced with misery and sadness
They all
felt sad to know that we were coming
The world would fall away
soon, after that day
On the eighth day the world knew
psychology
The world knew the eighth day was the first
In a
line of beautiful days, and even years
Nobody could forget the
world’s notorious days
The days before the eighth day, but
these
These were surely the world’s finest hours…
2
[Send
Them to the Sun]
Gunshots
are heard across the land
As you see the drugs change hand
Let
the sounds of swords crashing
As a murderer stands coyly laughing
Time
is a strange creature to behold
Forever is humanity just as
bold
Consider if you will a world of ships
Space ships. And
vintage languages…
I
cannot believe how they make up a large portion of life
Terrible
people filled with villainy and little respect
Heaven forbid that
they should ever have empathy
They live in sin and crime with
excuses so pathetically
By the end of their crime sprees they will
be wrecked
But see I won’t wait for them to make dull every
knife
So
send every villain to the sun. Send them to the sun
Let them burn
by the hands of their victims not God
Darling, send them all the
sun to roast in absolute justice
Find them all and treat them like
they treat me. Soulless
Send them each to the sun where they can
spill no blood
Search the world so that there is nowhere they can
run
They
hide among the enormous metal buildings so high
They think that
they will never be capture and be dead
Why must it be that we are
cursed to carry with them?
I do not want more blood on my black
dress’ hem
I do not want to roll around with worry in my tossed
bed
I want to see them all leave the world in one innocent fly
Fill
the busses and spaceships with people of no soul
Allow them all to
plead their cases and escape fate
Should any of them be mistakenly
brought to the sun
Then allow them to live, but no other criminal
can run
I know how to smell people who are truly made of
hate
People won’t be fooled by a painted acting troll…
The
people will not be stupid enough to fall for acts
They all can see
malice and blood filled history in eyes
Bless their souls they
have no idea that I send away
All of the people who have seen me
on a bad day
Criminals worldwide have heard of my many crimes
But
see… I don’t think… that I left any foul tracks
I
remember walking the streets with my white diamonds
All the
people know me as the wife of the dead rich man
I can buy and sell
everything that my eyes may come to see
Black tight dress and
diamonds splashing all down me
I am a killer, but I am simply too
beautiful and grand
To be sent to the sun or to be sent down to
any mines
See
the people all around me are ready for the blast off
Wearing their
hats and their dresses how innocent of you
My mouth twists into a
cruel grin and they see it all
They suspect me now, and they
consider my own fall
They confront me with it I don’t know what
to do
I have no need to beg, I am so rich that I can scoff…
Don’t
send me to the sun, I beg you, I must live…
Just because I
killed all of my husbands I’m not bad…
Don’t send me to the
sun, it was my idea, but untrue…
If I leave this world you will
all be truly blue…
Only because I killed so many people and left
them sad…
Doesn’t mean I don’t have room in this world to
give…
“He
is pretty, but no… Send him to the sun”
“Send them to the
sun” “All the killers. Go away”
“All the rednecks along
with all the rapist priests”
“His reputation is blood
splattered in the streets”
“He won’t see another crime in
our Earth day”
“So send him off in a spaceship, send them to
the sun”
3
[Imploding
Heart]
There’s
a revolution beginning in my life at last
My world will spread
farther than my own mind
I feel the energy rushing with an anxious
crash
No one knows it, but I can tell it is my time
I
will rise, far beyond the moon, but how?
How will I be able to
stay up there once up?
Which way will I take to get to my
bow?
Even when everybody thinks I don’t do enough
In
desperation towards the end of my grandeur
And at the beginning
with illusions of majesty
I won’t let you underestimate my
dedication
So I ask you what it is what you want from me
The
darkness is fading away ever so slowly
Let me ask you before it
comes rushing back
The light is becoming interested in my lowly
So
let me ask you in which way I should attack
The
things around my heart are pushing me
The pressure has my young
heart imploding
The pressure is quickly becoming too much
I’ve
reached a level I never thought I would touch
There
is a pressure from inside tearing me apart
Allow me to ask this
with my imploding heart
Would
you like me crawl? I really would!
Would you like me jump for you?
I would!
Would you like me to dance for you? I will!
Would you
like me to die for you? It’s done!
There
is a pressure from inside tearing me apart
Allow me to ask this
with my imploding heart
Darling,
my story is one of sad misery in all
But don’t you dare think
I’ll fall back into it
The memories of an old life are making me
fall
I would rather do this than be again hit
So
to please all of you I’ll ask this
Before my name vanishes or
appears
There is a reason for which I exist
You tell me what to
do with my airs
There
is a pressure from inside tearing me apart
Allow me to ask this
with my imploding heart
For
my heart is under attack with the pressure
Tell me how to get my
name into the light
You see I have reached the level of a
treasure
So how will I keep my body up here in flight?
There
is a pressure from inside tearing me apart
Allow me to ask this
with my imploding heart
Would
you like me to dance? My hips can
Would you like me crawl in the
dirt for you?
Would you like me to jump as high as I can?
Would
you like me to die again and again for you?
Every
time I die let it be so much slower
Let me wipe the makeup off of
my young skin
I’ll bring my hips low for you every time
lower
And my crawling will vibrate will all my sin
There
is a pressure from inside tearing me apart
Allow me to ask this
with my imploding heart
What
would you like me to do? Before
Tell me before I die! Before I’m
gone
I won’t leave until you realize my grandeur
I’ll never
stop my fight I’ll go on and on
So
what would you like me to do?
Would you like me to jump for you?
I
will! I’m dedicated through and through
I’ll jump as high as I
can would you like that?
There
is a pressure from inside tearing me apart
Allow me to ask this
with my imploding heart
Realize
that I would die a thousand times over
May Satan himself take my
soul from me now!
Would you like me to jump? Even stay in a
hover?
I won’t dare stop afraid that you won’t let me bow
There
is a pressure from inside tearing me apart
Allow me to ask this
with my imploding heart
My
imploding heart is begging for a chance here
In Hollywood, New
York, and the world as a whole
So watch me jump as high as I can
into the air
Would you like me to jump with the might of my soul?
Would
that then content you? Let me jump
Watch me jump would you like
that? Watch it
Tell me to jump for you. You know I will
forever
I’ll jump for you. To keep my heart from imploding
4
[Dear
Written Word, I’m yours]
So
young and so naïve compared to now
I did not know nor acknowledge
the bad
All I wanted was to show my talent and bow
Now I begin
to feel so stupid and sad
Every day when I was so small I had a
pencil
I would write no matter how the games were
All the
children could be playing, but still
All
I could do was write. Feel my heart stir
In a world so cold and
gray I found it amazing
It was like playing God with wide eyes of
joy
I was so happy to accomplish I could sing
How stupid and
silly I was of a little boy
I did not notice that it was yet not
time to do it
Here a sit in sadness, having wasted too much
time
Writing out to feel some sort of energy give me a hit
But
now I see I spent my childhood with rhyme
Dear
Written Word, you condemned me to this
Dear Written Word, I am
forever your slave
Yet if I left you I think I would feel more
bliss
Because everything I could give I actually gave
My heart
has been torn at with joy but see
I never felt truly like a child
in simplicity
I’ll should stop and spend what childhood is left
in me
If I do not fulfill dreams they will haunt me for eternity
I
gave every fiber of my being to this cause
But I have only robbed
myself of some joy
The sun and all of the joy had to be in
pause
And I was only a half time little boy
The
rest of my mind was bent on dreams and strength
The rest of my
time was spent inside my room writing
Molding out a craft that
would cause damage in the length
And now I think I will give up
and take up some singing
For singing will never become an
addiction to me
Dear Written Word, I am forever yours in sorrow
I
begin to drown away now in a black ink filled sea
Dear Written
Word, you have taken away my heart
I do not think I will live past
another tomorrow
For I have come to realize that my life was only
part
I am pieces in my memory for only small bits were
sweet
Trying to remember myself basking the sun is so hard
But
to remember myself slaving over a word is so easy
Dear Written
Word and World, I am yours, unwilling bard
5
[Writing My Road]
It
is like a brick road; however, there are no bricks here
Instead I
walk upon hardcover books arranged neatly
The manuscripts of
writers before me who failed in fear
That is what I walk upon, as
I write myself so sweetly
For this is the road I have taken to the
publishing house
To make it through this road in my mind is a book
mouse
The
trees alongside the road have desks carved into them
Slip your
fingers across their bark and you will find pencils
Like an oracle
the pencil will speak for my quiet brainstem
Like a magician my
thoughts are legs, and the pencils stilts
For on this road I will
travel even if I must turn tricks
I will pick myself up if I fall
and smash upon the “bricks”
When
the night should come I will fall upon my knees
I will place my
pencil upon the book covers and write
As I write upon my road I
will summon the sun and bees
I’ll write into the ground a plea
for the sun to shine bright
For on this road I will not allow
darkness to tale my sky
I will not rest until I have made it to
the end or if I die
Writing
my road to the publishing house and to success
A road on which are
all the monsters and fears of failure
Writing my road I won’t
allow the dark odds to oppress
I will continue to walk on this
road whispering a prayer
May it become dark or bright I will keep
my pen in hand
To continue on this road until I reach the Promised
Land
6
[Four
Years Pay]
Along
a castle and through mountains
Into the skies and the deepest
oceans
Through several realms and several reigns
Over
a hundred thousand words and even more pages
This novel has grown
and changed through the ages
And my baby knows that I am reliable
to finish work
Because the world that is inside it has me on a
hook
The world is grand and unpredictable inside my writing
A
place where creatures are flying and witches singing
I know that
when I was ten the world was too much
And there was a level of
wisdom that I had yet to touch
And back then I still could not
describe the world well
But now I can attack its oceans, so allow
me to set sail
Four
years pay before I know it. Years passed without stop
It feels
like just yesterday I was jotting down the plot
For several months
I knew that I had to stay away from it
But now the four years will
pay off of growing to give a hit
Before I am allowed to die I have
this world to lead now
When the four years pay off I will be able
to give my bow
For now I am ready to journey back into the
exciting world
Into a place where hair, hearts, and wings are all
whirled
A world of massive proportions and dark lingering
stealth
That I have spent four years creating and discovering
myself
7
[Disaster,
Dust, and Dignity]
When
the sea will recede it will uncover their bodies
Should they be
allowed to be forgotten
They will forever be lost to the dust from
the tragedy
The disaster will have won over humanity
But see I
don't think they will be lost in time
Disaster
can come and strike us all
Disaster can ruin our economy and our
lives
But Disaster does not understand one thing
Nobody will
surrender, not at these heights
Not when a great world power is
fighting.
In
the wake of it all will come all the sorrow
The loss of life and
the loss of loved ones
Let us not forget to look forward to
tomorrow
For it holds the grandeur of the boldly living
It is
only natural for us to want this gone
So
let it all be dust, let the memory fall away
Allow the destruction
to go back under the sea
Let the dead be remembered as if still
alive
May the memory of sorrow fall away to dust
Hand in hand,
arm in arm, let them walk on
Together
the living continue to prosper after all
There is no time to look
back at the crashing waves
There is no space for somebody to
crumpled down
So may them all pick themselves up and dry off
And
rebuild the buildings that they reign from
Dignity
will reign once more just as it does now
For even in a pool of
blood they hold their heads up
They don't show the bodies of the
dead
And they will pat the dust off of their shoulders
Dignity
will reign as it always has and should
8
[Living
the Warnings]
Does
anybody still have a mind?
Or does everybody just grind?
Pumping
their fists for cash
They allowed a generation to crash
We are
living the warnings
Grades
are getting worse in the country
Book sales are lower than ever
before
It’s the dumbing down of society
Now, my darling, we
are in a mess
We seem to be living the warnings
Arguments
still reign in the capital building
If schools should receive more
monetary granting
This is a disaster, as the people don’t
learn
Soon everything that was once will only burn
The prophet
yelled, and now we are living his warnings
I
don’t want to imagine all the things
Those children do on the
computer all day
Heaven forbid that should go to college
Lord
above would be disgraced by it
So, now we are living all the
warnings
No
man will put his hand up your skirt
Looking for a library card,
and flirt
No woman will love a man who can read
Unless he uses
his intellect with greed
Because it seems we are living the
warnings
Society
lets itself fall lower into the rot
Can you believe that we might
be stupider?
Congratulations to everybody who ignored it
To
everybody who did not try at all to stay
Their wish came true.
We’re living the warnings
9
[In
Our Home]
In
our happy home of Ireland it was unthinkable
Yet it happened, and
it happened strong to him
To my little brother for whom I held
love so unbreakable
For whom we prayed for with many soft hymns
It
was so hard to believe and to understand
That such a large cloud
was in a body so small
Or that at only six he would join the sand
The
heavens work in mysterious and disturbing ways
It is hard to
continue having faith in God
All I can do is hope for brighter
days
Even though my sweet sibling will be gone
This all makes
me wonder how God must have felt
On the day that sickness
appeared
And the subject of death had to be dealt
How
could his brain have filled with grime?
Yet his mind continued as
innocent as dust?
I don’t know. What I know is we’re out of
time
And now his coffin’s lining turns to rust
I wish he knew
how special he was to all of us
And wish that he is in the
confusing lord’s arms
Odd it’ll be to not see him when I’m
off the bus
He
will never be gone from his brother’s heart
For his small
fragile hand has already left me
If I try to forget him I will
fall apart
How much I have and will cry now he must see
He’s
with my lord now waiting for my ascend
I’ll one day join him and
speak like the living
For now I must live and I will one day
comprehend
10
[Lunar
Children]
I’m
starting to feel lonely. Is anybody out there like me?
Am I
anything like you? Are you anything like me?
Or will I cry by the
banks of a night covered river alone?
Are there any children like
me who’s only light is a moon?
Did
mother abandon you in the lands of sin and disaster?
Has it been
years since you’ve seen your little sister?
Do not cry for the
moon will shine your way into the day
Follow the darkness and hold
no doubt. You are brave
In
the light of the moon you will come to see the sun rise
You have
limitless power like the dark sky in your eyes
Little Lunar
Children, keep faith inside your heart of gold
It’s okay. You
have a happy ending that fates have told
Hear me, my Little Lunar
Children.
Out
of the pain and out the sadness do not forget beauty
You are
beautifully radiant, my darling child, like me
Are you like me?
Were you raped in a third world country?
Are all your friends
dying around you? People rarely agree
In
this world all crimes are paid, and those who damn you
Damn
themselves when they abandon, my child, be not blue
With your
beautiful face you will one day rise like the sun
Damned is the
sadness that you will one day forget, my son
Do
not lose faith in the darkness. You are stronger in night
Look to
the moon, and be guided by its light. Hold no fright
Little Lunar
Children, do not cry. Hold your head so high
It will be well. You
have the heart to pump the wings to fly
Hear me, my Little Lunar
Children.
The
sun will shine again. What are you doing with the knife?
Drop it,
child. Nothing will be healed by taking your life
Why would you
want it after fighting your way in the dark?
If in the dark you
have lasted. Nothing can any longer mark
Don’t
lose faith in the darkness. You’re stronger than them
Look to
the moon, and in its light know that nothing is grim
Little Lunar
Children, do not fret. Hold your heart strong
You will prosper.
You know you have done nothing wrong
Hear me, my Little Lunar
Children.
I
know you cannot express it, and fight with more strength
Do not
cry. You will be honored soon, so hold on the length
My darling,
you are still innocent despite all of those acts
Don’t touch the
drug. You’ll hate it no matter how it reacts
In
the nights when you need cry. Sit in shadows a moment
Then look up
the moon and know that life will be benevolent
In the night when
you need cry. Know that a sun will glow
Know that in the nights
when you to cry you are not alone
Know
you will live the darkness. You’re stronger than tears
Look to
the moon, and know that there is no need for fears
Little Lunar
Children, you are not alone. Know that still
You will conquer the
darkness. You know that is your will
Know this, my Little Lunar
Children.
11
[Russian
Spy]
You
are such a liar
Placing me under a trance
You have a secret
lair
You take the reigns
I should be afraid
I’m the
president
It will end in an air raid
It is not benevolent
You
are from such a cold region
But your body is much too warm
You
make me betray a nation
And soon the armies will swarm
My dear,
my lover, the reason for death
You’re people will take my last
breathe
But for you I would happily die
My hot and handsome
Russian Spy
Your
body is a wonderful work of art
It makes me become such a
retard
You are from the deepest forgotten dreams
And I want you
to hear my lustful screams
Take
out your hidden camera and film this
Take me to a cold refreshing
bliss
Let us betray our nations and we will both die
But I
would do so happily for my Russian Spy
You’re
too much for me to take mentally
So allow me to lose any good
reason in me
Voices in my mind saying to stop the vice
Are
quickly being drowned out by your voice
Lover,
partner in crime, I am all yours to have
This affair will lead us
both to a shallow grave
So until then I want to drink in every
inch of you
My Russian Spy, I am holding your crucial clue
My
Russian Spy, my reason for death soon
Why do you so easily make me
go into swoon?
You’re the most handsome human being ever
So
dying for you would be a proud endeavor
YA
vlyubilsya v tebya, predatel’
Ty
stal moyeĭ
novoĭ
kisloroda
Vy
prekrasnoe sushchestvo, chtoby uvidet’
A dlya vas ya s
udovol’stviem
medlenno umirat
I
have fallen in love with you, traitor
You've become my new
oxygen
You are a beautiful being to see
And for you I will
slowly die proudly
Kiss
me with the coldest lips on the planet
Stare at me with those eyes
that fascinate
Let’s go into Nirvana. I want to betray
Tomorrow
we will die, but let us drink in today
You’re
my Russian Spy
For you I will have to die
But until then I’ll
enjoy
Being your matryoshka toy
You
bastard Russian Spy
You will make the nation cry
Russian Spy,
how I have come to love you
Traitorous pleasure in everything we
do
12
[August
3rd]
21
days before my thirteenth birthday day
Dark haired and still
wrapped in baby fat
It was a bright and beautiful summer’s
day
Then I walk out in a shirt that display my fat
The
day started out thinking I was beautiful
It was a Korean Fish
Market where I saw him
He was there with a smile wide. He’s
beautiful
And I knew then that I will never forget him
Holding
onto my a bottle of something sweet
I looked at him with an open
mouth in awe
His smooth skin glowing in the light so sweet
With
a walk that left me in an unbearable awe
Surely
he’ll never know that I want to be him
When he walked by me he
smelled oh so sweet
That day will be remembered. I want to be
him
I want to be the epitome of handsome and sweet
“I just
want to be you. I want to be like you
If I could wish upon a star
I would be you
Would you like it if I switched places with you?
I
want to look like you. I want to smell like you”
He
had a body of slender proportions with long legs
His dark eyes
were telling his age beyond soft skin
Compared to me with enormous
thighs adorning my legs
I too have nice, but he had a strange soft
supple skin
His hair in a sweet bright brown swoop made me
stare
He was older than me, but I wanted to step up to him
But,
I know that he would never look at me and stare
But from afar I
would ask beauty tips out from him
“I
just want to be like you. Boy, I want to be you
With slender legs
and a spring in my walk like you
I want to have straight bright
hair just like you
I want strange supple skin juts like the one on
you
I will forever strive for nothing more than to be like
you
From this day forward I will only aspire to beauty
Because
I have now been forever traumatized by you”
All my life I
thought I was good, but now I know beauty
Something
in my heart is roaring with strength
Even two years later I
continue to have flashes
Of being a handsome boy with youthful
strength
And despite myself. I still want to hold those flashes
He
doesn’t know that I only want to be like him
It was August 3rd
when I started on a rage of diets
Because in all my youth I just
want to look like him
I want to look like him. I want to be just
like that
I want to be one of the boys that is seen as beautiful
I
want to smell, walk, look, smile, and glow like that
I’m
obsessed with someday being just as beautiful
PART
2
HURTFUL
LANDS
13
[Hurtful
Boy]
My
world has only a horrible gray sky
My heart is broken and I'll
tell you why
There is a wound I've been harboring so long
Let
me admit that I am no longer strong
My story starts with a boy and
ends without him...
My eyes are always on the prowl since
twelve
That is when I became aware of going to hell
I know all
too well that I would be loved by few
But it is something I will
never be able to undo…
The
biggest catch of my whole school
Was brushing blonde hair, and
looked oh so cool
Had a tragic story behind his nice
looks
Suddenly upon my heart he had his hooks
So, I decided to
catch his glance
Would have married him given the chance
I gave
my heart to him whole and pure
He took it quickly, and of our
happiness I was sure
Hurtful
boy was abused throughout his entire little life
But he took my
heart and squeezed it with all of his might
Hurtful boy spoke of
me behind my trusting little back
By the end I felt like my heart
was under air attack
Pieces
of flesh had been shown that to the sun I didn’t show
My body
had been played with and I had allowed it all to go
With each
other we so many times came to bodily bliss
I was convinced that
nothing in the world was better than this
This boy who I loved was
mine and he had taken me
But there was a quiet game that my heart
could never see
Hurtful
boy was abused throughout his entire little life
But he took my
heart and squeezed it with all of his might
Hurtful boy spoke of
me behind my trusting little back
By the end I felt like my
trusting heart was under attack
He
had a past that was distraught
With tales of how he painfully
fought
I thought I could trust him and his insight
My eyes did
tear for him, but he stayed alright
I thought of him throughout
the night with no sleep
Then he stopped me from falling too
deep
He told me of forgetting me to his past unlit
He said he
was resolved to leave my heart so hit
Hurtful
boy was abused through his entire little life
He took my body,
toyed with it, and he became a knife
I trusted him with my heart
not looking behind my back
By the end I was left with a heart
under attack
Every
night now that I’m alone in bed
Nightmares flood back with all
of the things he said
I always remember his sweet young face
And
for myself I feel horrendous disgrace
I wish that I could turn
back the clocks
And rebuild from heart shaped blocks
I wish I
had a sense of slight coy
But I give my heart to be played with
like a toy
Hurtful
boy was abused throughout his entire little life
He took my heart
and squeezed it with all of his might
Hurtful boy spoke of me
behind my trusting little back
By the end I felt like my young
heart was under attack
14
[Down
To Earth]
Don’t
dare to ask me why I don’t hug you
The answer to that is in all
that you do
Don’t dare to ask me why it is that I’ve changed
I
tried to explain, but you might as well be estranged
Hold
onto me as you criticize my ways
You could speak badly of me for
days
I thank you for the fact that you gave me birth
And the
hatred that brings me down to Earth
I
work so hard to give me just some pride
But your spite sticks to
me and will reside
All the joy I have in my heart has died
Yet
to my sorrow you are still so blind
Then
like any silly child, I can rejoice
I got all of my schoolwork
done by choice
With my grades getting better you howl
I am back
in bitterness by your scowl
Say
that I am the worst son on the planet
That you think my skin is
worse than granite
Recount to me all of your loving wishes of
me
To be beaten by strangers for some lesson I should see
Punch
at my emotions, and say intelligent things
You know that for you
the most sadistic muse sings
Cuss at me, and toss my belongings
like garbage
It keeps me down to Earth with all your carnage
Keep
me rooted in my place after scoring a check
Make me feel lower
than dirt, and like a sorry wreck
Keep me down to Earth, and keep
me from joy
Keep down to Earth your somehow rebellious boy
15
[Bloodline]
We
all know that my dignity is stronger
Than your disrespect that
gets wronger
I can feel the hatred or the fear in you
You are
hallucinating what I will do
I see that my own family would kill
me
Mother is only too bent on my misery
Father does not allow
himself any dignity
My life has become like a Jew in the 1940’s
My
family is too much to take for eternity
And my mind is falling
away into calamities
Allow me freedom to wish not be this
person
For everything I do good or bad is treason
To make this
name of mine my own
This is not a game, there is no trophy to be
shown
So
let me escape this house, and run in the rain
Run away and watch
my bloodline washed away
Far away from this home and this family
creed
I will run away and plant my future’s golden seed
Why
should I continue to fight my longings?
My family is allowing
itself to lose all its holdings
Everything I once loved about my
name is gone
As my mother’s hatred for me only grows strong
What
is so horrible about not wanting this life?
Do I deserve it? Maybe
I do, but I give it a knife
Even if I really do deserve it I won’t
take it
I won’t stay for my soul to be again and again hit
So
I’ll escape, run in the rain, I’ll run in the rain
I’ll look
back and watch my bloodline washed away
I want to be far away from
these people lost of mind
I won’t try to come back to give this
a second time
I’ll escape from the darkness of my own blood
It
is something that I know will result in only good
So I’ll run in
the rain and watch my bloodline drip
I’ll run into the rain.
Watch my family lose grip
One day I will run all the way through
the rain
And I’ll see a world that is for me. A world sane
I
won’t regret any of the acts I had committed
My blood will be
bright red and no longer tainted
Clean
me by letting me run away into the rain
I’ll gasp in relief when
it washes my bloodline away
I won’t fall to the ground wanting
to drink it back
I never want to be in position for another
attack
Let me run away and run to freedom into the rain
My old
life and the hatred will all be washed away
My mother will be
happy to rid herself of me at last
When I am blamed for the
divorce respect goes fast
I won’t be back to be horribly
tormented anymore
May the water wash away the blood I never did
adore
16
[Demented]
The
world: so horribly confusing
Might I kill myself?
Just leave in
stealth
All death: so horribly traumatizing
Lost a bit of
myself
Left me in quiet stealth
I’ve heard tales of horror
and loss
I am lost in black
My heart under attack
I feel
like I am nothing to the boss
The world is black
I am thrown
under attack
I
let my hair grow so long and so large
My sorrows and pain are too
many in me
So may they flow into the strands of hair
One day
I’ll cut it, and sadness flows into air
And perhaps once more I
will see beauty
Into the light I might take a running charge
Take
me, dear God, let me die quietly
Infect me with some sort of
horrible illness
May my eyes lose their light so suddenly
And
allow me a minute to feel greatness
Take my soul from my corpse
into the cosmic
For I have become too sadly demented
I
am so demented, my mind lost from me
It’s all dark and grey
beyond simplicity
My demented world of drugs and death
Does not
let me exhale a surviving breathe
The rain is actually quite
friendly to me
So curse me to drown out of my misery
Pedophilia,
death, suicide, and sorrow
I doubt I’ll feel any different on
tomorrow
Darling, I’ve given up a long time ago
I want to see
the pearly gates of a light show
I cannot feel my own heart when I
run
Cannot feel warmth on my skin from a sun
Take
me, take me far away from this place
Send me to heaven or send me
to hell
I want to leave this dark world without a trace
Because
from grace I already long ago fell
I’ve
become too sadistic, I’ve lost it all
I don’t want to break
down another wall
I’ve become too demented after everything
I’ve
become too demented after every fling
My soul is too depressed, so
is my mind
So sadly demented that I’ve lost sense of time
17
[Repetition]
My
few privileges you have stripped of me. I don’t know why
If I
only look a little bit upset or enraged you could die
You want me
to be a slave. You want a tamed good boy
You dream of me basking
in the sun to be filled with joy
I
gave every cell in my body to dreams you underestimate
I do not
want to hate you but you make it so easy
I realize that everything
about my life is already old
I see that every act is a repetition
of a pas that was bold
Do
you remember your oldest son? He hated you and left
He rather went
to a third world place than stay here in death
Will I become a
repetition of what he did in the past?
The emotions are already
repeated. I could go like him fast.
See
my life has become the repetition of a super stars’
I dream day
and night. Working harder and setting new bars
I have seen my
number of death threats on the net
But all I can do is continue to
fight, and simply not fret
I’ve
already been burned out by the continues stress
I only wait to see
what I will do with ashes. I digress
I have become a repetition of
history that I have seen
We are only pawns of a war that has
already been
Holding
so tightly you have become another dictator
Pushing everybody
around, but you are free of pressure
You have allowed us all to
become pawns of a game to you
But something you cannot understand
that this is not you
It
is a repetition of history, nobody can have control
I am not a
fucking dog, damn it, I don’t to beg and roll
I am not a dog;
slap me when I need it or so you say
Just like a dog that you have
to quickly retrain today
Don’t
underestimate me or my boiling rage that is new
You seem to not
understand the love I have for you
And you seem to not understand
all the betrayal I feel
But I refuse to bow and begin to pitifully
bark like a seal
A
repetition has overtaken our lives of history itself
I have become
a Jew; you’ve become Hitler in stealth
I’ve become a country
of my own that you fight for
But I am not going to let you have
and control the floor
I
will not repeat what has happened every day
I’ve been burned out
by the stupid ridiculous way
That we handle the “problem” of a
power struggle
The paper of human and son is one I will not juggle
18
[When
You Regret It]
When
your hand rises and falls swiftly to deliver a slap
I should give
you a round of applause and laugh as I clap
But just know that I
will not allow you to take it back
When you regret it you will not
be under attack
But Heaven forbid that I should forgive you
You
are the one who left and left me so blue
You’re going to regret
to have ever hurt me
There was a commitment that you could never
see
When you regret it all I will not forgive you at all
So,
may heaven forgive you for pretending to be tall
19
[Hurtful
Revenge]
In
history: the time you were gone is nothing
But to me it was an
unbearable eternity
Or at least the beginning was unbearable
I
plunged into a darkness that was terrible
But I’ve grown, lost
my mind, and learned
Even though I would always be left burned
My
few advisers said “Good riddance to a nobody”
All of them
reminding me all you did was hurt me
I’ve
been tormented by the void left by your face
Because on my life
you left too much of a deep trace
A drawing of your name in a
heart I was proud of
All the poems I wrote for you in a blinded
love
Or the poems we wrote together and all sucked
But lately
I’ve been learning how to conduct
Then I cry at night every
other week with dreams
Of you and I never have resorted to the
screams
But
a hurtful revenge is not what I want, not at all
Now you’re
back, and I’m afraid that I will again fall
For a hurtful
revenge I will not stand, I’ve been hurt
And this time you
cannot decide that old ways must revert
You
come back with the excuse that you are lonely
Well I have become
bitter and quietly boiling angry
You are back to your ways of
illegal sex, drugs, and Jack
That same bottle that left my eye and
my memory black
I told you that I love you, and I would not deny
you
But you have your limit and to you I will not subdue
My
advice is that you go back to your cleanest ways
Because I have
lived too many drunk and bitter days
A
hurtful revenge is not what I want, not at all
Now you’re back,
and I’m afraid that I will again fall
For a hurtful revenge I
will not stand, I’ve been hurt
And this time you cannot decide
that old ways must revert
Then
you crawled into my bed, and I held you again
Every moment I did
not hesitate to make you feel pain
And yet you look at me in fear,
and you can you see clear
That I am in control and I am a bitter
changed dear
I remember when I was stupid and I could call you my
man
But now you realize that I will not be a little blinded
fan
Then all I knew you were saying you were not sorry at all
Then
with that you lost my love, there is no plea I recall
Hurtful
boy’s revenge is not what I want, no not at all
Now he’s back,
and you can trust I will not again fall
For a hurtful revenge I
will not stand, I’ve been hurt
In my bitter pain I will help
you, but not disconcert
Hurtful
boy’s revenge is not what I want, no not at all
If he’s back
you can trust I will not again fall to his awe
For a hurtful
revenge, I am too bitter, I’ve been hurt
In my life I will help
you, but for you I won’t divert
20
[I
Hope He Hates You]
Hurtful
boy, your drugs and your games
Have me at my wit’s end. I cannot
stand still
You hate me with a burning hot passion
And I hate
the intoxicated you even more
How much I gave is not what I
got
Leave me here, and leave me cold and bitter
Go on and be
happy on your own, I hate you
You better not return. I’ve had
enough
I am growing out of my bitter ways, and then
Allow me to
plunge back into it all
Now that the rumors have brought it to my
attention
I hear that you are off with some brand new boy!
I
hope he hates you as much I hate you now
And I hope he treats you
badly so that you leave
Because the way you treated me you deserve
it
Because you left my young heart so horribly hit
And I have
been able to do is bitterly greave
So, I hope he hates you and
doesn’t join your show
You
left me here feeling so horrible and alone
I’m trying to pull
out of my bitter ways slowly
But I know damn well that you should
suffer
Because to apologize you could never bother
And I want
you here with me if I’m so lowly
I hope he hates you when your
true colors are shone
I
hope he hates you like you let me know you hated me
I loved you so
much that I let you walk away alone
Come down to the dark with me,
you evil hurtful boy
How dare you leave me, and go off and find a
new toy?
I hope he hates you before you’ve had your member
blown
And a lonely bitterness is something you come to see
I
know I’m pathetic and I shouldn’t wish you bad things
But see
I don’t wish for him to abuse you, or to hurt you
I wish for him
to hate you, and to not be with you, boy
Because goodness knows
that you don’t deserve a new toy
So for his own safety I hope
that you don’t leave him blue
Because for you my most bitter of
muses willingly sings
She
sings out to you “I hope he hates you and leaves you”
Goodness
knows that you deserve it
You should not have another boy
toy
Because you hurt this young boy
So I hope your heart takes
a justified hit
In my bitter anger I hope that hates you as much
as I do
21
[See
Him]
Hurtful
boy, you know just how deeply I care for you
Hurtful boy, you are
such a beautiful boy. So handsome
Another boy with whom you
replaced me
Will not be hated, but merely avoided well
Hurtful
boy, I was given his picture
And told my friend he was quite
nice
Truth be told: I did not even glance
I cannot look
I
cannot see him. The boy who’s with you
For you see I haven’t
the strength to see him
I’m sure that I’m unattractive in
comparison
Hurtful boy, you still have my heart
But you left me
bitter and dead inside
So, I will not look at him. I would cry
I
took the picture file, hid it deep in my banks
Should one day I
find the strength I will see
But until then I do not want hatred
to boil me
Or jealousy, or pain. Hurtful boy, how could you?
I
will not see him. I haven’t the strength needed
22
[Inspired]
Hurtful
boy, leave me now, be my guest
Behind you. You leave behind
darkness
Now I’m thankful for the pain you leave me
Because I
could write of horrible blood
I can write of drugs, sex, and
death
Your memory and everything you taught me
Will inspire a
million disturbing scenes
You are my new angry dark muse
When
you look back, and realize I lack
But see if I will be pulled out
of the dark
No, I will not. You left me for dead
You inspired a
million morbid writings
You inspired my lack of smiles and dry
stare
You inspired a dozen fictional deaths or more
Because you
inspired countless tear soaked poems
Now you inspired angry morbid
scenes, my love.
23
[By
My Own Hands]
My
life is in my own hands today
I am alone under a sky of pure
gray
I hold in one hand the weight of life
And in the other I
hold a butcher knife
In
my own hands I hold my own life
In one hand is death in the other
is a knife
Allow the darkness to succumb to a climax
Allow my
train to halt finally in its tracks
I
know that I am not long for this world
My mind has already come
totally unhinged
I know that I will die an untimely death
So I
am not getting accustomed to my breathe
In
my hands I hold a life of my own
I don’t want to ever become old
and grown
I want to join my friends who took themselves
I want
to be another who leaves the world in stealth