Pain, Betrayal and Longing
David Pillatos
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 David Pillatos
Discover other titles by David Pillatos at Smashwords.com:
Hard Times Through Prison Bars: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/60040
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Painful Memories
I try to live my life
One single day at a time,
To focus on the good
And push the evil from my mind.
But it lingers
And I feel the pain inside,
Each time a person that I’ve hurt
Crosses my bleak mind,
And that’s daily
Since I’ve hurt so many souls
And though it was from ignorance
The hate for myself won’t go
And I don’t think it should,
Since it makes me more humane.
So even though it hurts like hell,
I recite my victim’s names
And hope to someday find some peace,
But now is not that time
So the grief that tears at me
Will stay constantly in my mind.
Bad dreams
Bad dreams again,
Blood splattered on my face,
The sound of wood on flesh,
Red on everything.
A soft voice
Suddenly changed to fear
Looking for protection
But there is none anywhere.
Copper in my mouth,
It tastes more like human waste,
Trying to stop an assault
But knowing it’s too late.
My cowardice;
It cost a man his life
And now I live with bad dreams
Each and every night.
The Reminder
The torment is constant,
It constantly gnaws at my mind,
All the blood that I’ve shed
And the people hurt by my crimes,
Not a day goes by
That the guilt doesn’t eat at my soul,
And visions of violence
Through my memories flow.
Sometimes I wish I could forget,
But I think I need this curse,
To constantly remind me
Of how little I’m worth.
So I suffer on,
With pain as my pet
Wishing for a peace
I know I can’t get.
And it kills me,
But the death is so slow,
That the agony won’t end
Until to the grave I do go.
Shut the Hell Up
I’m surrounded by stupid people,
That are driving me insane,
And the more they deep on talking,
The louder I want to scream.
I wish they’d all shut the hell up,
Or maybe asphyxiate?
Because the bullshit pouring out their mouths
Is making me irate!
What happened to noise pollution?
Or maybe I.Q. control?
Or possibly a deserted island
Where all the idiots could go?
I’d like to give them all
A big piece of my mind,
But their ignorance is so putrid
It would be like giving pearls to swine!
If the crap that I’m now hearing
Is taught in public school,
They need to jail the teachers
For not beating kids in school.
Oh please Lord give me patience
Or a set of good earplugs,
Because if these people don’t shut the hell up
I might be bathed in blood.
Jack Asses
Ahmadinejad is a moron,
Adolph Hitler was a queer,
Chairman Mao a commi whack job,
Qaddafi just isn’t there.
And the neo-Nazi spawn,
Who swing from Hitler’s balls,
Need to study some history,
And quit jacking their damn jaws.
It’s time to grow up now,
And from your own beliefs,
Quit conforming to the standards
Of the people that you meet.
Because a conformist is just an idiot,
Not strong enough to stand alone,
So they soak up crap from the past,
And act like it’s their own.
Propaganda is not facts son,
It’s not reality,
So your acceptance is a delusion
With absolutely no meaning.
So some research kid,
Evaluate the facts,
And if you refuse to do it
Admit you’re a jackass.
Been Around the Block
I’ve been around the block a time or two,
I’ve had my share of fights,
Lost some sleep to bad dreams,
I’ve almost lost my life.
I’ve done drugs and drank,
Been with more women than a few,
Had my heart broke by my first love,
And ran with different crews.
I studied Islam and Buddhism,
Before I came to Christ,
Got hit by a car once,
And stabbed in a small fight.
I’ve had friends turn their backs on me,
But have had a few stand true.
I’ve learned most things the hard way,
Like dreams just don’t come true.
I’ve been molested and beat,
I’ve been abandoned and abused,
Went through two divorces,
Been incarcerated too.
Had alcohol poisoning twice,
Before I learned that booze is for fools,
And I pray my son you listen,
Before you try and find out for yourself
That I’ve been around the block a few times,
And it’s not good for your health.
Ranting
I’m fuming mad,
Down right hostile,
Praying for peace
But feel no solace.
I want to fight,
To beat someone down,
Until all these people
Shut their damn mouths.
I need silence,
Because I’m sick of the talk,
All ignorant bullshit
With no meaning at all,
And there’s no escape,
Since I’m trapped in the cage,
Of a humongous madhouse
Or a retarded hell,
Where the inmates are demons
And the torment is talk
And the nonsense is choking
Off the air that you want
And the only hope at peace
Is to kill them all off;
Which you can’t do
Since you’re changing your life,
But dammed if that stops me
From wanting a knife.
Oh well,
Guess I’ll stay holding my peace
But if they don’t shut up soon…
Please God help me.
Prison
Security lights and barred cell doors,
Showers assigned by race,
Concrete floors and main line calls,
Toothbrushes turned to shanks,
And riots over card games
Are common in this place.
A few rapes have happened too,
Maybe more than some admit
And in six wing Walla Walla
A kid was beat to death.
Almost everybody thinks they’re tough,
But very few will stand alone
And it’s within this morally decayed society
That I make my home.
I know the government thinks they’re helping
The free people in the world
From the crimes that keep on happening,
Though statistics say it isn’t so.
But I really have to question
How they think this works
When they only rob me of their humanity
Then are freed and told to make it work.
I see it everyday,
Scared kids coming to the joint
And are sucked into the D.O.C. machine
That makes hardened criminals out of boys.
Maybe it’s time to try something new,
But that isn’t going to happen
Since even as I write this rhyme
They are building another prison.
D.O.C.’s Simplicity
All alone in my cell
With no hope to spare,
In fact all I possess
Is a lot of despair.
But that’s life,
When you’re behind the walls
Of a government warehouse
That mass produces criminal spawn.
Can they be serious?
Do they think it can help?
Putting weak minded kids in prison
With only gangs to turn to for help?
Punishment is one thing,
We all need to pay for our crimes,
But all the system is doing
Is destroying young minds.
Yet they wonder
Why the crime rate continues to climb,
And they have to keep building prisons
For more kids to confine,
When the solution seems to be simple,
Just segregate by goals,
Put the convicts in one prison
But help those that have hope.
Rather be hated
I’d rather be hated
Than be accepted by fools
Who conform to the standards
Of a prisoner’s rules.
Who think gossip’s manly
And fight over punks
Who mind others’ business
And brag about drugs.
Who think that the “code”
Of a convict is moral
Or get turned out in prison
Joining a gang to be cool.
Yeah, I’d rather be hated
Because I’m my own man
And I do what I want
Not what others say I can.
And if it costs me my life,
That’ll be fine too,
As long as I don’t die
A weak minded fool.
Lessons Learned
Oh God how it hurt,
The pain tore at my mind
Like a demon had beat me
With a club of cruel spines,
And I cried out,
I just wanted to die,
But the woman who left me,
She just moved on with her life.
That’s fine though,
I know it’s better this way,
And I learned some good lessons,
Like don’t mess with a woman who’s crazed.
Or better yet,
Don’t love in prison at all,
Because you’re stupid if you think
She’ll stay true through those walls.
Love is weak,
As weak as most promises made,
So don’t believe any bullshit,
She doesn’t love you that way.
She Left Me
How could she just up and leave me,
Despite all the vows she made,
Claiming she’d love me forever
And by my side would stay.
But when times got hard and lonely,
And I was about to lose my mind,
She stuck a dagger in my back
And tossed me to the side.
It was to be expected though,
Because prison is no place for love,
So I’ll forgive her for my pain,
But never again give her my trust.
Cut the Crap
I swear I’ll never leave you
I vow that I’ll be true
And even through the hardest times
I will always stand by you.
At least that’s what she said
Before she left my side
And stuck her dagger in my back
Wrenching my insides.
And then she wanted “to be friends”
Since “I’m the only man she’s ever loved”.
You can save that crap for someone else,
I’m not that freaking dumb.
Damn your excuses too
Your perfidious lying witch,
And keep on telling yourself
That it’s my fault that you left.
The reality is dear
You made promises you wouldn’t keep
And need to justify your treachery
By blaming it all on me.
And that’s fine doll,
Because I’ve come to realize
Than even from a prison cell
For you I have to time to try.
A Woman’s Wrath
King David was a mighty man
Who never lost a fight
Except the battle with his lust
When Bathsheba crossed his sight.
And Samson was a strong man
Who could tear up city gates
Yet with crafty Delilah in his arms
He was weaker than a babe.
Then there’s Solomon who was a genius,
The wisest of all men,
But a woman turned his heart too
And cost him his kingdom.
The point I’m trying to make here
Is that women are no fools
And unless you’re blessed with a good one
She will use you like a tool.
And such is a woman’s nature,
She can claim “the weaker sex”
But I’ve had my heart torn out by a girl
And no man has bested me yet.
Battles with the flesh I’ll fight
And I have no fear of war
But I’ll be damned if I stand against
The fury of a woman scorned.
Family Game
I think a man in prison
Wants a woman by his side
To make himself feel relevant
And a little more alive.
Knowing or at least believing
That someone cares so much
That they’re sacrifice years of their life
Waiting for a convict’s touch.
But it’s really just torture
For all parties involved
And a set up for failure
That will tear through their hearts.
Prison is for punishment
Not playing the family game
And it’s not possible to be a husband
While locked up in this cage.
And while she may think she loves you
The fact is it won’t last
Because prison in inhospitable
To any true romance.
Can’t Always Get What You Want
“You can’t always get what you want”,
Oh, how I know that’s true
Because If I could have the one thing that I want
What I’d have my dear is you.
Damn the rationality of it,
I’ve heard love was made for fools,
But then again I care too much
To lay this all on you.
It’s a horrible thing
To be deprived of ones desires
To have a fire burn in your chest
And know it won’t expire.
To feel as if your heart
Has been dipped in kerosene
Then set ablaze like napalm
To burn relentlessly.
But you can’t always get what you want,
If you did, well then I’d have you
And since I don’t, I’ll just lay here
And write more poems about you.
Antidote
In this life of fiery trials
We all will suffer pain
We’ll lose loved ones, get abused and have torments unexplained.
Often times the past will haunt us
For our crimes and those of others
And we’ll cry out like Macbeth did
Seeking an antidote to calm us.
Sometimes we’ll find solace
Other times we’ll seem to stand alone
But the great hope of a Christian
Is to have a savior for our own.
Focusing on the troubles
Will only bring more grief,
But if we focus on the Lord
We’re sure to find some peace.
Take Me Home
Come Lord Jesus and take me home,
‘Cause I’m sick of this cold world,
I’m tired of all the madness
And all the toil and hurt.
I’m sick of lies and anger
The betrayal and deceit
I want to walk with God instead
On those gold paved streets.
I’d like to ride a lion too,
And wrestle with a bear,
And know that once in Heaven
I’ll never have a care.
But for now I just linger
In a place as cruel as death
And while I struggle to stay godly
I often fail the test.
So please God before you take me,
Give me the strength to carry on
So that when you do return
You’ll find me holding strong.
The Woman for Me
I’d like a woman with hazel-blue eyes
Full lips and thick thighs
A quiet spirit but a sharp mind
Who likes to play and enjoys life.
A woman who reads the Bible
And knows that Jesus is Lord of all
Who loves me for the man I am
And would stand by me should I fail.
A woman who is funny
And just a little wild
Who wants to travel around the world
And can always make me smile.
A woman who cares for others,
And wants to help mankind,
Who isn’t pointlessly argumentative
But can calmly speak her mind.
A woman who is confident
Yet wants to cuddle and hold hands
Who always want to kiss me
And is proud I am her man.
The Lonely Place
Prison is a lonely place
Even with good friends
And though your family loves you
The loneliness won’t end.
So some try relationships,
Knowing they are doomed to fail,
While others grab onto religion,
Hoping that God will fill the gap.
Still others pretend they’re women
To feel some warmth at night,
And others join a prison gang,
So they’ll have acceptance through their time.
This is the joint though
And while it’s not that hard
If you take someone from all they love
They will then turn to the dark.
It’s pathetic
But it’s what the reality is
Prison is a lonely place
So everyone just tries to fit in.
Losing Game
A man in prison can’t win
In the relationship game,
So if a girl says she loves you
Just let her go her own way,
Because if you don’t,
When things get too hard
She’ll up and ditch you,
And leave you emotionally scarred.
I know it’s not easy
When you’re riding alone
And it seems like forever
Before you’re making it home,
But trust me
Love in prison is bad for your health
Be a good friend
But don’t do anything else.
Even if you love her,
Keep it all deep inside,
And let her be happy
With some other guy.
One More Plea
My head hurts
From all of the crap,
I just want some peace
And this knife out of my back.
It’s always chaos,
More bullshit each day,
And I feel like my sanity
Is slowly slipping away.
I read my Bible
And I pray every day,
But I feel like my God
Has just turned me away.
I’m broken hearted,
Weighed down by my sins,
All alone in the world,
As if I don’t have a friend,
Though I know I do,
They’re just so hard to reach,
Since I’m locked in a cell,
With twenty years ‘till release.
So please Lord save me,
I can’t make it alone,
Answer my prayers God,
And soon carry me home.
I’m A Little Different
People think it’s funny,
When I say I’m a Christian,
Since I’m covered in vile tattoos,
And have committed heinous sins.
They know that I’m a murderer,
And that I used to love to fight,
But when I say I’m done with that,
Most just can’t see the light.
Even sadder are the ones
Who reject me as I am,
Preferring I stay in chaos,
To keep company with them.
But I really am done with it,
I’ve given my life to Christ,
So even though I stumble hard
I know Jesus is at my side.
Ramblings
Pace, pace, pace,
I walk my cell
Counting concrete bricks
With nothing to do but ponder
My life’s worthlessness.
I always read my Bible
And I’m working on 2 degrees,
But as far as society goes
I’m less than a disease.
I deserve retribution for my crimes
And I’ve never been upset with the time,
But bloody hell the pointlessness
It is eating at my mind.
I want to help people,
I want to atone for my sins,
I want to do something right for once,
But these walls just cage me in.
Hopeless Wish
I wish I could be a father,
So I could tuck my son in at night,
And tell him bedtime stories
About maidens and their knights.
I would teach him about chivalry,
And how to stand his ground,
How bullies are pathetic
And real me help the weak ones out.
I’d tell him that a woman
Is to be treated with respect,
And even when they go for the bad ones,
Remember it’s the good ones that get the best.
But I lost my son 8 year ago,
Because of my won ignorance,
So I sit in my prison cell
And cling to the hopeless dream.
Please Don’t Judge Me
Don’t judge me please,
I’m hard enough on myself.
I’ve been screwing up my whole life,
So can do without the help.
I’ve cut myself to feel pain,
And I’ve cried alone at night
For a victim that I didn’t know,
But still ended his poor life.
I live in depression
And often hate myself,
Attempted suicide a few times
And things hazardous to my health.
And oh how it hurts
To know how I’ve screwed up,
Not only my own life
But also those whom I love.
So please don’t judge me,
I do that on my own,
And the judgment with which I judge myself
Is the hardest that I know.
Pointless Desire
Sometimes I wish I had a woman
To run my fingers through her hair
To tell her that I love her
And will always be there.
I’d kiss her on the lips
And feed her little treats,
Hold her through the hard times
Or massage her little feet.
I’d her cook dinner too,
Maybe add a little romantic candlelight,
Pop a bottle of champagne,
And make love through the night.
But I live in prison
Where wishes aren’t worth crap,
So I’ll hold the desire in my heart
And leave it all at that.
A Little Variety
I’m an odd mix,
A romantic and a freak,
A theologian philosopher,
And a Shakespeare geek.
I dig Saturday morning cartoons,
But stay watching the news,
And I really hate to fight,
Yet I’m not the one to be confused.
My I.Q. is above 150,
But I prefer to joke and play
Because geniusness is overrated
And maddening anyway.
I play chess with the best,
But love Monopoly,
I love cookie dough ice cream
And can cook most anything.
I read no fiction,
But can tell a wild story,
And can prattle in four languages,
But prefer simplicity.
Love
What is love?
An emotion or a curse?
Or maybe as we Christians say,
An action of much worth?
But how do you know when someone loves you?
Since words are all so frail,
Can we truly believe what someone says,
While doubting that they’ll be there?
I for one am cynical,
And hold that love is mostly fake
And that true love in its purest form
Is shown in the sacrifices that we make.
Still, we should “love” our hearts out,
And stay true to our friends,
While praying to the one true God
For a “love” that never dies.
Second Best
Love is not realistic
Behind these cold brick walls,
At least not the kind
That helps a man stay strong.
And it’s selfish to desire
That commitment from the free,
When all an inmate can do
Is share his misery.
So if you really love her,
Don’t let it cross that line,
As only agony lies there
And many wasted minds.
Just let her know you care
And wish her the best in life,
Be grateful that she has someone
To keep her warm at night.
And though it may hurt you,
Be aware it’s for the best,
Because a worthless prisoner
Is always second best.
Trying to be a good man
There once was a time I liked to fight
And would do it at the drop of a hat,
But years later I’m now weary
And have too much blood on my mind.
I used to be a brutal man,
About as cruel as a beast,
I had no remorse to speak of
And no sympathy for the weak.
But as the years went by I had to wonder
Had my cruelty got me that far?
And the answer was a resounding no!
It only got me these scars.
And now though I often get angry
And have a few violent thoughts,
I find it impossible to act out
In a way that will cause anyone harm.
That’s taken as weakness in prison
But I really don’t give a damn,
Since I’m not looking for social acceptance,
I’m just trying to be a good man.
Ol’ Leo Rosten had it right
It’s only the cruel who are weak
And though I’ve got a long way to go
Compassionate is what I try to be.
Sweet Nothings
Come here baby
Let me whisper in your ear
How truly I do love you
And always need you near.
Let me caress you,
Rub the tension from your neck
And kiss you gently down your spine
Until your passion’s spent.
Let me hold you when you’re weak,
You can put your burdens on my back,
My shoulders are here to carry you,
So trust me and take my hand.
Be assured love,
Despite all my failings as a man
That my devotion’s pure as gold
And I’ll love you till the end.
So don’t leave me girl
Because that’s a pain I just can’t stand
And please tell me that you love me too
And will take me as I am.
Mail Call
Waiting for mail call
I hope someone thought of me
Because when the guards walk by with nothing
It can cause some agony.
Just a simple card would be nice
To say “I love you” and “I care”,
Can bring a bit of happiness
And give hope over despair.
So I’m sitting on my bunk
Waiting for the guard to walk on by
And yell obnoxiously
“You’ve got mail here tonight”.
But if he doesn’t
I will of course survive,
Just be a little frustrated
That my people couldn’t write.
Then I’ll pace and I’ll fume
But when I’m calm again
I’ll wait for tomorrow
Watching for mail call again.
A Little Lonely
Sometimes I get a little lonely,
That I have to talk to myself,
And though I believe in God
Usually little comfort is felt.
I’m locked in a concrete box,
Which I know I deserve,
But the solitude can be maddening
Wearing me down until it hurts.
When I was to be married
I thought I had someone by my side,
But she also up and left me
And probably laughed while I cried.
So I search the scriptures
While I wait for mail call,
Hoping for some words
That will carry me on.
And when none are found
I just pray on my knees;
“Jesus I know I’m a sinner,
But please send me peace”.
Prayed for Help
I’m praying for forgiveness God
And I’m really in need of it,
Because I’m filled with the pain of grief
And the knowledge of my evilness.
You know I practically live in sin,
Lust, lies and hatred.
I helped kill an innocent man
And mocked Your Son forsaken.
And now that I’m a believer
It’s seems that to do good is so hard,
As if the devil is at war with only me
And I’ve been losing from the start.
So please hear my prayers God,
I truly want to do what’s right,
But the depravity of my nature
I can’t beat without your might.
Waiting on the Chain
Another boring day
Waiting for the chain
Pacing until my knees hurt
Listening to the rain.
There’s no one to talk to,
At least none that can make sense,
So I hold conversations with myself
Or work out till I sweat.
It the hole that’s all there is to do,
Except for think and read
All that does however
Is break up the monotony.
It’s pretty brutal
And weaker minds have gone insane
From the lack of companionship,
The solitude and pain.
There are three meals a day,
Five hours out a week,
An hour’s worth of phone calls,
If you have someone with which to speak,
Or you can wait for mail call,
Count bricks along the wall,
Sing songs to kill the silence
Or break weak and just bawl.
Some have committed suicide,
Others live on pills,
Taking medication
To survive in this cold hell.
Yet others live on drama,
Cell banging from their cage,
Hoping to gain some solace
Form someone else’s pain.
That’s the way it is in here,
And I’ve been doing it for 8 years,
So I pray to God for a miracle,
Please let the chain bus make it here.