All In God’s Time,
My Sons
Poems and reflections on the deaths of Andrew and Matthew Moeller
by their father, Geoff Moeller
ireadiwrite Publishing Edition
Copyright © 2010 Geoff Moeller
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
This ireadiwrite Publishing edition is published by arrangement with Geoff Moeller, contact at arcticborn@hotmail.com
ireadiwrite Publishing -www.ireadiwrite.com
First electronic edition published by ireadiwrite Publishing
All In God’s Time, My Sons
ISBN 978-1-926760-21-6
Smashwords Edition
Published in Canada with international distribution.
Cover Design: Michelle Halket
Cover Photograph: Copyright Geoff Moeller
"Many people have written about death and radical injustice and what happens to us when tragedy strikes. Many have written moving poems about these subjects, some have composed profound theological or psychological reflections about the process of grieving and loss. But in this extraordinary collection of poems by Geoff Moeller there is something more and greater. Here the heart of a father is laid bare as he lives with the stark reality of the death of his two sons, as well as the paralysis of his surviving son, and the grievous wounds suffered by his whole family. In this most moving and beautiful book you will find true faith--the kind that is tested in fire--the faith that is a resounding affirmation of life. It is a story that cracks open our hearts. It makes us see with new eyes, and helps us to treasure the gifts that are given to us, which we so often take for granted."
—Michael D. O'Brien
Author of Father Elijah, An Apocalypse and Island of the World
FOREWORD
I thank Geoff for the privilege of writing the Foreword to this inspiring and unique collection of poems. It has been my pleasure to have known Geoff since 1989 and Maria since 1990 when Geoff introduced me to his beautiful new girlfriend. Having officiated at their wedding (what I like to call “the birthday of their family”) in 1994, I have journeyed with this family through the years...years which saw an increasingly bouncy and vibrant family life emerge with the births of their four sons. The youngest, Lorenzo, I am proud to call my Godson. No one could have imagined that on November 29, 2008, a new reality would dramatically overwhelm their world. Every aspect of their being...heart, mind, body and soul...was challenged. Many at the time wrote or asked, “Where is God in all this?” I observed how God was truly present in the immediate and compassionate outpouring of prayers and support from so many people, both friends and strangers, locally, nationally and abroad. God was present in the inspiring arrangements of the funeral for their sons, A.J. and Matthew, in which Geoff and Maria strove so courageously to bring comfort to others. Comfort...in the truest sense...con+fortis which literally means with strength! God is indeed very much present in the message of love and inspiration coming forth from these poems. In the reading of them we all are raised up and blessed.
This collection of poetry comes from a heart that ponders. Geoff makes very real for me what Our Blessed Mother Mary presents to us in Scripture - what it truly means to ponder. Mary pondered these things in her heart (Lk. 2) How did Mary ponder? She was peacefully present to the reality around her. Her reality had much that was confusing, puzzling, troubling, dark and deathly for her. Her reality very much pierced her heart where it met God, her Saviour. There she pondered her reality. Forth from her pondering heart flowed that which was loving, clear, peaceful, joyful, strong (truly “comforting”), hope-filled, positive, upward-attentive and centred on Divine Providence. Her Magnificat is poetry from a heart that ponders. “My soul magnifies the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God, my Saviour.” (Lk. 1)
In this collection of poems Geoff shares with us the fruits of a pondering heart, one that has witnessed the transforming power of God in the midst of a troubling, piercing reality. What flows forth is a light which dispels darkness, a strength which is truly a source of comfort, a message of faith and hope which is a beacon for all those weighed down by realities of darkness, confusion and fear. It is a beautiful legacy for their sons, Karl and Lorenzo, and all who will read these poems. What flows forth is Geoff's Magnificat!
Fr. Ian Charles Stuart
Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God
January 1, 2010
Andrew Joseph Moeller
June 3, 1999 – November 29, 2008
Matthew Benedict Moeller
March 18, 2002 – November 29, 2008
THE ACCIDENT
On Saturday, November 29, 2008 around 9AM, the vehicle holding my wife Maria, my four sons Andrew, Karl, Matthew and Lorenzo, my mother-in-law Rita, her sister Pas and Pas' daughter Marlene was struck from behind by a SUV. My wife had stopped due to mechanical trouble. The SUV, traveling at freeway speed and swerving into the HOV lane, collided full-force into the rear of the minivan carrying my family.
Karl, Andrew and Matthew sat in the rear seats, right-to-left.
Karl suffered a spinal cord injury causing paralysis below the chest, a laceration to the back of his head, a broken femur on one leg and a broken tibia on the other. His paralysis is permanent.
Andrew suffered massive trauma to his head, and irreparable damage to his brain. Andrew's time of death was officially 9PM that night.
Matthew suffered a broken neck. It took thirty minutes to get his heart working again, but the lack of oxygen did irreparable damage to his brain and heart. Matthew's time of death was officially 9PM that night.
Pas, Rita and Lorenzo sat in the middle seats, right-to-left.
Pas suffered a spinal injury, broken pelvis and a head injury. She has been released from hospital.
Rita suffered a spinal injury requiring surgery. She has been released from hospital.
Lorenzo suffered only a minor bruise on one thigh from his car seat seatbelt.
Marlene sat in the passenger seat. She suffered whiplash to her neck.
Maria was driving. She suffered minor impacts to her leg, a facial abrasion and ongoing emotional trauma.
The other driver was uninjured.
I was at work when I received the phone call from my wife in the hospital.
As though the accident, the deaths of Andrew and Matthew, and the injuries to those in the minivan were not enough to deal with, my wife and I also encountered overwhelming media attention during our time of grief. Maria and I soon realized the deaths of Andrew and Matthew, and Karl's paralysis, too, had affected a vast number of people, that number growing each day, beyond the effect on just our little family. It became evident God was working on peoples' hearts, the accident becoming a source of grace to guide the thoughts of many to Him. Observing the workings of grace strengthened my faith and helped me to recognize a greater meaning in the tragedy.
Over the days and months that followed, I found comfort in writing. At times, it seemed a battle waged between faith and emotion, but, the more I wrote, the more I realized the battle had more to do with each needing balanced expression; clinging only to faith denied my humanity, while focusing too much on loss and grief tended toward self-pity and the denial of faith and hope in God's promises.
I wrote (and write still) because I needed to for myself. Gradually, as more people began to read my poems and reflections, they suggested I publish them for others experiencing similar tragedies, or for someone who could possibly find comfort in them. In the pages that follow are the public statements released after the accident and all the poems and reflections written after the deaths of my much-missed sons Andrew and Matthew.
PRAYER AS MY FAMILY SLEPT
(written in early November 2008, before the accident)
Dear Lord, my sons sleep peacefully,
What riches in each boy given me!
But, oh, the moments go so fast!
I can't undo mistakes of the past,
but resolve in the music of their breathing
To rejoice in the wonder of each son's being.
Stoop down, majestic angels, and see,
The divinity God has shared with me!
Embodied souls, my precious sons,
Worth more than planets, stars or suns,
Called to be, to live eternally,
Lie here entrusted, unworthily, to me.
Make up, dear Lord, for my weakness.
Replace impatience with Your meekness.
Open my arms to give affection,
And guide my mind to give direction.
May Your grace so live in me
That my sons may grow to see
The loving God You are, and they
Will choose to follow You and pray
For grace and strength to do Your will,
That Your plan for them might be fulfilled.
With a father's right, I claim before You now,
Through the sign of Jesus on each brow,
Every blessing conceived in Your paternal love.
Through the power of the Spirit send from above
The graces my sons shall need to be
Men of faith, of love, and sanctity.
Holy Virgin, unfailing refuge in my life,
I entrust to you my children and my wife.
Guard them better than I ever could.
Love them stronger than I ever would.
I have asked – it shall be done
For the glory of the Father through the merits of the Son.
Amen.
MEDIA RELEASE
December 4, 2008
On behalf of my wife, children and family, I'd like to express my deepest appreciation for all the good wishes and prayers for us from so many people. Nothing I could say or do could adequately express my admiration and gratitude to the first responders at the scene of the accident, the doctors and nurses at both Royal Columbia and BC Children's Hospitals for every effort made to care for my wife, sons and relatives. The respect and tenderness shown to Andrew and Matthew even after their deaths moved me deeply and was a great comfort to my wife and me. Thank-you, too, to the priests who anointed and blessed my sons. Our faith has strengthened and consoled my wife and me for the loss of our dear boys Andrew and Matthew, and has helped us to be strong for our surviving boys Lorenzo and Karl, who continues to recover with the loving care of the nurses in the ICU in Children's Hospital. Please continue to pray for my mother-in-law and her sister in critical condition in Royal Columbia Hospital.
Andrew and Matthew are gone, but just from our sight. One day, with God's grace, I hope to be with them again.
Thank-you and God bless.
EULOGY
December 9, 2008
It's the call no father wants to hear.
It's the call no mother wants to make.
The deaths of AJ and Matthew would be unacceptable, unbearable if not for faith telling me our children are more alive now than just ten days ago; if not for hope urging me on to see AJ and Matthew in heaven; if not for love which flowed from them, from all of you, and from God.
God's love poured from the hearts of every person rushing to the accident scene, from every doctor and nurse leaning over our boys' injured bodies, from every friend and relative hearing the awful news, from every stranger moved by the simple truth that the loss of AJ and Matthew affects us all.
Mayet and I have the joy and honour of being the parents of AJ and Matthew, but you who are relatives, you who are priests and teachers, you who are friends... in so far as you gave part of yourself and became part of AJ and Matthew, you became part of our family. Recognizing this is a blessing the Father gives us in our sorrow – we are family.
Mayet and I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, prayer and generosity from family, friends, co-workers, and people we don't even know. Please accept our undying gratitude. We have been truly humbled by the gifts and help given so freely and unselfishly. We owe a great debt of gratitude to Ocean View Burial Park for covering the funeral expenses for our sons. Thank-you to Gigi, Fr. Ian, Glicer, Aunt Emma, the teachers and students of St. Francis of Assisi School, Fr. Bede, Fr. Michael, and all who helped in any way organizing and preparing this beautiful liturgy. Thank-you all for coming to celebrate our belief that AJ and Matthew are alive in God and will be reunited with their bodies freed from all suffering when the Lord raises them.
It wasn't enough for AJ to care about children and the poor, he had to express his compassion by his actions. Just a few weeks ago I showed him a news clipping about starving children. That night he had me print it from the computer, and the next day he made a presentation to his class with a tin can from home. The money collected was to be sent before Christmas. I understand that his class will finish this project in his name.
Matthew could warm any gathering with his smile. On the days when I took him for a treat and he could choose where he wanted to go, he would choose a certain fast food place with a play area so he could play with the children there. On the way home he would say something like, “I made three friends today.”
All who knew AJ and Matthew loved them. The people gathered in this church are reflections and expressions of that love. The recipients of their organs share in that love and pass it on to the people in their lives. Only God could bring such beauty and grace from such pain and anguish.
How God has comforted Mayet and me. AJ and Matthew were anointed not once, but three times by different priests. Another confirmed them, and two more blessed them. Six priests were sent by the Lord more for our sake than for AJ and Matthew. It's as though the Lord were saying, “What can I do to make it clear these children are with Me?” I wondered why AJ and Matthew should need Confirmation, but I realized once again the Lord was showing us they had reached the fullness of faith, had in fact passed beyond faith because they see God face to face and plead for us with the persistent innocence of children saying to God the Father, “Did you answer my prayer yet? Did you answer my prayer yet?”
I'm so proud of you, AJ. I'll try to learn from your example. Mommy and I love you so much. Matthew, your smile must be making the angels sing. Mommy and I love you and miss you both.
My boys, pray for Karl to get well, and for Mama and Mama Nene, too. Pray for us that one day we will join you in heaven. Amen.
THE FUNERAL HOMILY BY ABBOT JOHN BRAGANZA OSB (ORDER OF SAINT BENEDICT)
December 10, 2008
The gift of children and the loss of children. These are the two mysteries of life God asks us to ponder today. They are mysteries in the conventional sense – things hard to understand – and in a special sense – with reference to Jesus Christ their meaning changes.
For society in general, today the gift of children is difficult to accept. We adults can be so intent on our own rights and pleasures, our own personal happiness that we can think of our children as a problem. Indeed, for very many, the child is a disease to be rid of before birth.
Again for society at large, the loss of children is too hard to bear. Where God is not the source and center of our life and our children, then we can cling to them as though we were the author of their lives and as if we had a right of possession over them. Their loss becomes altogether insupportable.
Today, the tragic death of these two you boys can help us discover the gift of God in our loss and the greater gift behind the gift they were to us. We need to discover again the Christian meaning of the gift and the loss.
Our first reading is gentle in its application to the lives of these two boys. In a way the intention of the parents are expressed – that their children belong to God first and then to them. Samuel’s mother gave Samuel to God soon after he was weaned – perhaps at three or four years of age. Children are never too young for God – we adults put these limitations on them.
Like Samuel, both Andrew and Matthew served in the Temple of God, in this Church as altar boys. Fr. Bede tells me Andrew burnt his finger the day of the accident. Thinking of Jesus’ gentleness with children, I see in that incident Our heavenly Father preparing little Andrew for his great encounter with Him.
Every little wound is a foreshadowing of our death. This was perhaps the first gentle summons. We should not underestimate a child’s capacity to face its own death with greater serenity than adults because they receive life as a gift.
Let us not hesitate to think that these two young lads embraced their death with the same love as they embraced life. Look at the young Samuel. Who would not wish one’s son this great openness to God:
“Speak Lord, your servant is listening.”
In death our ears and our hearts are totally open. All that Geoff and Mayet taught them, they would have brought with great simplicity to that solemn hour.
The Gospel reading too, is especially appropriate, both for them and for us who mourn. For them because we know they knew Jesus in Baptism, Confession, Holy Communion and the last anointing. In each of those sacraments Jesus revealed the face of his Father to them.
For us – Jesus says – “Don’t separate your two sons’ death from my death – only in my death do their deaths find meaning. Above all do not separate your sorrow from me – mourn in me and the burden of your sorrow will be easy and light for you.
So St. Paul reminds us: “do not grieve about those who have died, like other people who have no hope.”
Allow me to share one last thought: All who have died in Jesus live in Jesus. In Jesus we all form one Body. Do not grieve overmuch but think that daily, even today, you can meet your sons in the Holy Eucharist. Are they not with Jesus? Is Jesus not present in the Eucharist? In the days ahead when you long for them remember how close they really are!
The solution to the mystery of the gift of children and the loss of children can be found only in Jesus – in his gift to us – in the Eucharist which is both the gift of his life and his death and resurrection.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR OF THE BC CATHOLIC
Published January 13, 2009
So many people have reached out to my wife, Maria, and me since the accident which caused the death of our sons Andrew and Matthew and injured our son Karl and my mother-in-law, Rita, and her sister, Pas. I would like to publicly express our heartfelt appreciation and gratitude to all.
Many have asked me how I can bear such a tragedy, how I can be strong after losing two sons on the same day. The following lines are meant to reveal my attitude and beliefs, and also witness to the blessings I believe God has given through this accident.
On the mantle at home stand portraits of Andrew and Matthew. Their eyes stare through me and my heart aches knowing I will not see them alive again in this world. Yet, at the moment when I could succumb to an immense wave of grief, I sense Andrew and Matthew nearby. They put the choice before me: cling to memories of them as they were, or love them as they are now, saints in heaven with God.
I miss their hugs, smiles, voices, laughter, the way they sleep, the way they look... however, I would not ask God to give them back to me because they have reached the goal I had in mind for them on the day they were born – heaven!
Rather than me dying before them, though, God has decided it's better they should go first. Andrew and Matthew call to me every day to live a life of readiness and to learn from their sudden death. Time and life are not to be taken for granted. Andrew and Matthew are such blessings in my life. Now they are blessings for the Church and the world, too.
On Friday, Dec. 5, during a Mass offered for Karl, Rita and Pas, I sensed Andrew and Matthew beside me, and they were so happy. They thanked me for their baptism and for being raised in the Faith, and that is why I have not been too sad since they died.
Yes, the accident was horrendous and caused much pain and anguish, but God salvaged much good from the wreckage. There are two new saints in heaven, eight people are alive through organ donation, family relationships have been strengthened, the parish and school communities at St. Francis of Assisi and others have become closer, and the general public have opened their hearts in love and witnessed faith in response to this accident.
The funeral Mass for Andrew and Matthew Dec. 10 was one of the most beautiful liturgical celebrations I have ever attended. The caskets containing the bodies of my sons lay like reliquaries before the altar. Father Abbot John Braganza delivered an inspired and comforting homily, and later sang the Te Deum* with Brothers Maximus and Gabriel. The Te Deum! For my sons, and sung by an abbot!
Father Bede said it well at the end of Mass: not even dignitaries have the Te Deum sung at their funerals. The funeral of Andrew and Matthew was a celebration of the hope we have of eternal life with God. They have reached that goal. Every day I want to make heaven my goal, too, since that is the only way I'll ever get to see Andrew and Matthew again.
The Te Deum is a Latin hymn of praise usually sung at the conclusion of a joyous liturgical occasion such as a special feast day. The first words of the hymn are Te Deum laudamus (We praise You, O God).
COMMUNION, A MEDITATION
They had been there for hours. The fire had burnt the last branch and bit of animal flesh. The warm glow from the seething embers cast flickering shadows on their faces, their minds deep in thought. Stillness hung in the night air, a waiting hopefulness like the moments after a great event, for such had happened in this rocky outcrop. Stars sparkled mutely like children waiting to be born.
Sitting at the edge of the darkness, I watched them, the old, old man, and the boy at the cusp of manhood. The elder rocked gently on his seat, a rock put there for him by the boy. He held his upturned palms before his bearded face, his eyes closed, though tears never ceased flowing, his mouth moaning words with barely audible sounds. Sighs shuddered his thin frame from time to time, then gasps of joy when he seemed to glow brighter than the red hot coals. At these sounds, the boy poked his stick into the coals, his blazing eyes staring at a large knife lying on another stone before the makeshift pyre, the dull red glow reflected on its curved metal blade. He looked up, straight into my eyes.
“You're wondering why I didn't try to run,” he said, in a way demanding an answer.
I nodded slowly, amazed at his composure.
He continued stabbing at the coals as he talked. “My earliest memories are of my mother telling me the story of how the Lord God visited the home of my parents, promising them a son in spite of their old age, and how I am their miracle child. I heard what happened to my aunt when she looked back at Sodom. I've seen the faith of my father blessed countless times. Who am I to question the will of God?” He paused, an anguished look crossing his face like a storm cloud over the smooth sands of the desert.